I've been thinking of conspiracies lately. Not just the lame ones in the movies but the big, important ones, such as why I am always subjected to lame in-flight movies. Or books that do not deserve to be best-sellers are and will be made into horrible movies that I will late be forced to view. We are so trained by the media to except this as common place, 'Murphy's Law,' or even mob rule. But surely even Americans have some taste. After all, we created more than just malls and mini-malls and fast food. There's some good points to our country. (X-Files and Seinfeld being the best example. Smart and fast entertainment that doesn't pander.) So what is it then? What's wrong? Why will good taste not prevail? It's complicated but brilliantly simple. Let's start with youth. The phenomena of Barney has completely ruined the younger generation of American children. Perhaps they are being brainwashed by a subversive political organisation. When the children reach puberty, they'll take over the world. It could happen. Indeed, the likelihood of these events unfolding increases every time the mind numbing theme song plays. And, seemingly only to justify my point, Barney the Movie will be released soon to a theatre near you.

Barney the giant purple dinosaur who inexplicably escaped extinction with the rest of his kin is a form of domination. Coupled with Prozac, Ridlin, ADD, ADA, and anything else that pops up on the evening news and straight into the school counsellor's office, children are being brainwashed. They are being robbed of their individuality and personality 'quirks' that are seemingly so cherished by the individual driven consumer market. Come on, don't believe the hype. Obey your thirst, drink (insert product name here). Need I say more. Why is this so? Who could be planning such a marketing strategy that it has so saturated our nation's fabric? What is so evil that it will force these children into a never ending snare of products and upgrades? What has already captured the soul of pre-Barney generation children?

Two words: Bill Gates. He's the richest man in the world. He's clever, has access to high tech equipment, controls the direction of the electronic future, and Microsoft runs on practically every PC in world. It's more than a dangerous combination. He's taking over the world. Every computer user, from a casual acquaintance to a computer engineering major, owes some part of their soul to him. Need proof of this claim? Here's a question for you: How much money exactly did he 'loan' to Apple. Something billion? Even the rogues who carry a PowerBook and stand by the Mac (despite inability to get software) can not avoid this beast. I say to find, Find this Gates. Shave his dingy red hair. Upon his bare scalp you will find the sign of the beast. Yes, Virginia, in this case, money is the root of all evil.

What's more is that the previous generation, Boomers, find themselves entangled with another strange and sinister, but nonetheless evil, man. Liarbyrd herself, a native of the fair state of Kansas, can see past his semi-demi-pseudo-handicap and knows him for what he is, a Republican. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a Republican. I know many people who are. Heck, some of my best friends have that conservative edge to their persona.) To be a liberal democratic in a state that consistently votes Republican is trying. Dangerous, sometimes. (Never discuss politics with ultra-rightwing-Christian-do-gooder-cousin during the holidays. Not a fun experience, despite the flying pumpkin pie.) I can't pinpoint what feature about Dole makes him so frightening. It must be the combination of the pen-clutching glorified war wound (Yes, Bob. You're a veteran of a war that happened a long time ago…), the power blue suites, the poorly died hair frozen in a style my own grandfather stopped wearing 30 years ago, the age and how much he has of it, his wife who wears perky yellow suites, the promise of making America what it once was, and the amount of people who listen to him.

My suspicion is fuelled by all of these factors. Didn't we as a nation out grow the 'daddy' phase of politics with Reagan and Bush? Isn't that why a boomer, middle aged like the majority of the nation, was elected? Or, a more radical and paranoid suggestion, were we influenced with every children's book purchased, featuring your favourite purple friend, and with every download or access to Word. (I myself am using Word 98 so there's no telling how much of this is already tainted and twisted by Him.) I'm not saying Dole is a puppet for Gates. But consider this, the man is evil but not evil enough to cause serious harm, just a blubbering, 'Gee. Sorry. I didn't think you needed that Medicare program' inconsiderate type of evil. After all, his campaign for presidency nearly went bankrupt. Strangely, less than a year latter, Dole was able to 'loan' $300,000 to Newt Gingrich, a peer who got into trouble. Doesn't that situation sound familiar. Nonetheless, a man who won't miss that sort of money does not nearly fold his bid for presidency. So where did it come from? Whose bank account would never notice the slight dent? I make no accusations, but you can connect the dots. Gates will take over the world one way or another.

I feel the need to mention Rupert Murdock. His is an unfamiliar name to most Americans, except those you watch CNN instead of Entertainment Tonight. He's basically owns most of the media. Throughout the world. Not just Australia. Not just Britain. In fact, he owns FOX and TV Guide. (Any wonder why X-Files is so popular and why 90210 will not be cancelled?) His choke hold on the media is equal to Gates' strangle hold on computers and technology.

As a token of edging into new markets, there does exist MSNBC. But who watches that? What cable service even provides that? Probably the same that carry obscure channels like the Candle Making Network, Game Show Channel (which stills sounds like someone's making that up), and BBC America, which I would like to have but my cable service does not carry it. Typical. Not to be thrown from the trail, I think I've pieced the clues together and arrived at a startling conclusion: Bill Gates and Rupert Murdock are the same person. They're never seen together and one would think that the 2 men who have the most power in this information age would occasionally attend the same fund raisers. Further more, extensive study of the past 3 years of Gate and Murdock activity has revealed that they are hardly ever in the same country as each other. Despite the fact that Murdock is now an American citizen and owns property in Southern California. Coincidence? Maybe. But Gates, thanks to his nifty ideas, doesn't really need to be in Seattle to do business. He could be an Australian turned American for all we know. Who really pays that much attention to a geek anyway? And Murdock? He looks like he wears a wig. An obvious disguise. Enough said.

I would like to draw a rounded conclusion, reiterating on previous points and drawing the links more clearly. At every stage in the average American's life, there is a product designed to fit our demanding lifestyle and it is controlled by none other than our friend Smilin' Billy Gates. We are being controlled and manipulated and we don't really care. How can you tell? Why won't he get slapped with an Anti-trust lawsuit. Why is it only spoken about and not done? I can't go on. I don't have time. I need to get this posted where it can be read, before…Well, as long as I still have the ability. Needless to say, a black sedan just pulled into my drive. I can see them from my desk by the window. And they're dressed in black.