since 7/31/98
For thirty five years I thought I had the bad memories of Vietnam under control along with all the emotions that go with reliving those times. I wouldn't let anyone know who I really was. After Vietnam I spent 2 more years on active duty and then got out of the Army altogether. I tried my best to make it on the outside but I kept losing my job or quitting and moving on to something else. I constantly had problems with drinking and getting into fights. It seemed to me that the whole world was against me. I worked hard at trying to settle down but the problems never seemed far away. I was drawn to the Lord Jesus Christ on the 11 of August, 1971. I knelt in a revival service and ask the Lord to save me. I thought that I would be just fine but later learned that I still had the anger, mistrust, and nightmares. In 1972 I decided to go back to something that I was familiar with. I rejoined the Army and decided to become a Military Policeman. I chose the Military Police because I wanted to have a weapon with me as I performed my duties. I just felt safe if I had a gun near me. I liked the adrenalin rush I got from the fights, chases, and the danger of being shot or hurt by a perpetrator. As much as I hate to admit it, I was often abusive to those I apprehended, if I thought they needed punishment. I stayed in the same field for 10 years and then the boredom set in again. I didn't find the job exciting anymore. I volunteered to become a drill sergeant in 1982 because I wanted excitement in my life again. All of the time that I was in the military I did well on suppressing the emotions.
I spent 20 years trying to work out the issues in my head. After the military stint was finished and my life had fallen apart again I sat on the edge of my bed in my lonely little apartment in Tacoma Washington with a loaded .357 Magnum in my hand. I cried out that I can't do this anymore; my tears were bitter as I opened my mouth and pulled the trigger. There was no sound at all. I was still sitting on the side of the bed with the gun in my hand. For some reason the gun didn't fire. Shortly after that there was a knock on the door and it was two of my Christian friends (Don and Candy) who stopped by to check on me. I told them that I wanted to go somewhere to get out of the apartment. Well, we went to a coffee shop and sat a talked a very long time. I even told them about the gun and what I tried to do. Both of them said that it wasn't my time yet; God had something greater for me to do. When I got back to the apartment I checked the gun and saw that there was a hammer mark on the casing but the cartridge just didn't fire!
Thirty five long years have passed since my tour in Vietnam and all during that time I was still confronted with anger, the inability to get closure, lack of trust and the horrible nightmares. Mind you, that during this time I continued in Christ. I know you may be thinking “how in the world could you still be a Christian if you still had those problems?” Well I would tell you that I am no different than any of the characters of the Bible. I still loved God, no matter how low I got. I had even become an elder in church and I received my ordination as a minister too.
One fall day in 2002 I had an argument with my wife and I blew up, as usual. I was disgusted with myself and stormed out of the house and into the garage. I walked around in the garage for a while and then I looked up and prayed “God, why are all my relationships a failure?” “Why do you allow me to get involved with people I can't get along with?” After a short time of waiting I sensed in my spirit that God said “It's not them Ken, It's you”! At first I didn't want to receive that it was me, but I finally said, “OK Lord, if it is me, then help me”. I walked into the house, apologized to my wife and told her that I had a problem but I just didn't know what it was. I then asked her to help me find help. I am fortunate that I married a woman who loved me and wanted to help me. She began a long search for my possible problem and finally set up an appointment for me with the VVA. After I sat for less than 20 minutes in the interview I learned that I had PTSD. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My world turned upside down in just a few moments that transported me back to Vietnam. This was a trip that I would never totally return from.
Although I only had occasional nightmares, I did not trust anyone totally; I had a hair trigger temper, and was always leery before 2002. In less than 6 months, though, I had a grip on my dilemma. Every day I face the same issues that had taken its toll before but now I walk with the Lord in a different way. I finally came to the point where I realized that I had a problem (PTSD) and then I took the second step and found help.
I cannot change who and what I am. There is no cure for my flesh. However, there is a cure for my soul and spirit. That cure is a right relationship with my Lord. I know that many vets are still struggling with PTSD.... and there will be many more from Afghanistan and Iraq. My prayer is that they don't wait for 35 years before doing something about their problem.
I now serve God with all of my heart. I have a mission from God and He has commissioned me to go and help other veterans that have the same problems I have faced. Through Point Man International Ministries to help me and the power of God's Holy Spirit, I am doing just that very thing. I am overjoyed to know that my marriage and everyday life is so different in Jesus Christ.
Point Man International Ministries
since 7/31/98