since 5/26/03
In 1968, like many people my age, I enlisted in the military. I don’t know what my draft number was, or if I even had one. It wasn’t important to me at the time. Serving my country and what She thought was right, was.
There was no choice for me to make deciding on which branch of the military to join. Marine Corps P.R., the movies, recruiting posters and everything else had already made the decision for me.
The next two and a half years was a major life change. Boot Camp, advanced training, the horror of war, injuries, hospitals behind me, and then, I was home. No orders, no lines to stand or stand in, un-disturbed sleep, a chance to catch up on all the life I’d missed.
Eight years passed. I’d lived one life and kept the other one quietly hidden away. I’d long since found that no one cared or understood, except a brother, and they were hard to find. It wasn’t like the 1990’s. No one wanted to be known as a Viet Nam veteran in the late 1960’s or early 1970’s, so no one was.
Unlike a lot of us, I had some good things happening along he way. I got married in the late 70’s and still have the same wife today. I’ve had jobs and kept them, stayed out of jail, and generally gotten along with the people I’ve met. I was a break in the statistics.
What didn’t change was the nights. Checking my perimeter…the sleep disturbances. Not being able to get to sleep, to stay asleep,…the nightmares! But still, for some reason, it was easier for me.
In 1982 my wife and I found the Lord within an hour of each other…without the other knowing what was happening. We accepted God’s love and found a church to call home and grow in. Still, there weren’t any brothers there. Then, in 1991 I was invited, by the pastor of my church, to go to the Victory Over Viet Nam conference at C.B.N. Up until that time I’d never heard about Point Man Ministries, Reveille, Nam Vet, Outposts or Home Fronts. All I knew about was the V.A., and I stayed pretty much clear of there.
It was there I found out about Survivor Guilt, the trauma of war… (we all know those initials P.T.S.), and about the nightmares I had. It was also there that I found out that I wasn’t the only one who had those things going on inside. I wanted to go home and tell others, “You’re Not The Only One”. I wasn’t ready to do that and I hadn’t yet been there the entire weekend.
I didn’t know about the survivor guilt leaving till much later. I was talking to the Lord asking, “why me?”, when so many better people than I, didn’t make it back?” I wasn’t really expecting an answer but He gave me one as sure as the print on this paper. “None of those men were better than you, but none of them were worse either!” I still cry for my fallen brothers, but the awful feeling of guilt is gone.
The nightmares: Before the weekend at C.B.N. was over I was prayed for and I’ve never had another one. Why me, I wasn’t the only one asking for an end to the nightly torment? Why me? I don’t have an answer. It was His decision. All I can do is accept it and say thank you.
I got into Point Man Ministries within the year and I’ve been with them ever since. I’ve passed out Bibles, I’ve passed out "Nam Vet" books. I’ve visited V.A. hospitals, jails and prisons, spoke in churches, done veteran outreach at state fairs, churches and veterans groups. I’ve talked with more veterans families than I have veterans. Is that enough? I don’t think so. I know how hard it was for me, and I had it easy. They need to get Home and I have the ability to help.
I’ve had the chance to go back to Viet Nam. I went with a group of Christian veterans called Vets With A Mission. I know the war is over now, and I no longer hate a people instead of a war.
What’s ahead? I don’t know for sure, but I’m ready now.
Point Man International Ministries
since 5/26/03