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In 1993 I first came to grips with my experiences as a FMF Corpsman and my tour in Vietnam. Twenty-five years had passed and I had not thought much about my military service. Oh yes, it was there, every day and every night of my life...but
buried, real deep. The thoughts and emotions I felt were quickly put aside whenever
they popped up. Heavy work loads, family concerns, and an attempt to climb the corporate ladder would often drown out the ever present memories and frequent
troubled nights. It was as if there was something inside that couldn't get out. Something that was hard to verbalize, and yet was longing to be said. But no, not now, let's forget it..."it don't mean nuttin!"
In 1984, I had surrendered to Jesus Christ and made Him Lord of my life. I attended a Bible School for two years and became familiar with the wonderful satisfaction that only a personal relationship with the Lord could provide. Active in church and fairly successful in my occupation as a Physical Therapist, I continued to seek
a reason for the unanswered questions I had. I remember visiting a Vet Center at one point and feeling very uncomfortable in those surroundings. The pictures on the wall, articles prominently displayed on the tables...a staff member firmly shaking my hand and uttering a phrase I had never heard before from a fellow vet....WELCOME HOME. I felt so uneasy that I bolted from the place. It was several months before I would ever return to a Veteran's gathering.
At church one Sunday, a physician from the local outpatient VA Clinic mentioned an organization called POINT MAN MINISTRIES which was just beginning to meet regularly in our city. She expressed the need for additional Christian veterans to help minister to the needs of hurting Vietnam Vets in our area (of course, that didn't include me).
After receiving some literature about POINT MAN, I sat down that evening and began to read about this thing called PTSD. One book that had been given me was written by Chuck Dean and entitled "How Far the Enemy". I read that book from cover to cover and could not control my emotions. I started sobbing uncontrollably. It was as if 25 years of damned up water poured from my eyes. I suddenly felt such a release of pain that I just can't describe it. I felt as if I were being set free...but from what?
As I continued to read and study about PTSD and the symptoms experienced by so many of my brothers and sisters who served in South East Asia, I recognized my own battle with "Survivor's
Guilt". As a corpsman, I had watched many of my comrades die, or be seriously wounded.... "IF ONLY I had acquired more medical skill"..."IF ONLY I could have got to them quicker"… all of these very familiar feelings came to the surface.
I have learned however, that to accept those feelings is to accept false guilt. I am not responsible for the war, for the amount of training I got, for not being in the right place at the right time. I came to realize that those accusations were not from God but from the enemy. And then…Freedom!! "If, therefore, the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed!" (John 8: 36)
Becoming involved with Point Man Ministries was the tool that God used to bring
me face to face with the emotions and feelings that had plagued me for many years. As I continue to meet with local veterans and their families, I find that I am the one who is being ministered to. As we study the word of God together weekly, I have
experienced God's continued forgiveness and grace. I have come to forgive the
ones who orchestrated the Vietnam fiasco. Having experienced the forgiveness and freedom that only Jesus Christ can give, I have come to forgive myself for any shortcomings "I perceive I might have had" as an FMF Corpsman. Praise God for the healing that He gives!
You too can experience this FREEDOM. Freedom from guilt and shame. Freedom from wrong habits and unforgiveness. Freedom to live the rest of the time on this earth NOT for the desires of men, but for the glory of God. The important thing is to take that first step. Get with a pastor, a Christian friend, or call Point Man Ministries….they'll listen.
Point Man International Ministries
since 7/31/98