Voodoo Dolls 'R Us
By M.L. Morgan
Well, race fans, sometimes our readers get frustrated. And we often suggest they stick it up their asses. We are not always delicate. We are sometimes very direct.
Now we'll offer an alternative.
Now we have the Official Race Views Voodoo Dolls. A caricature of Uncle Mike, complete with the needles. You can all stick it to Uncle Mike anywhere you want. Hope you'll be gentle.
We have only about 10 million of these for sale. And they are moderately priced at at only $29.95 , plus 68 dollars shipping and handling.
If any of you retards reply to this offer, we can't help you.
Helen and I will say Gaaagghh ! I'll say Jesus Christ. Helen will thump me. She doesn't like me to stoort with. She claims I'm hoord to get along with. Who would ever believe that. I'm practically a damn prince. I could cope very well in Nepal. I hear they are a prince or two short.
It's hoord being me.
But we have Voodoo Dolls and no one else does.
We think those wannabe sites suck. They don't have Voodoo dolls. Race Views doesn't deal with sissies. We deal with race fans. "Sissies" wasn't my first choice of words. Got out-voted on that one. Helen wins much more often than you might imagine. You have no idea how outrageous some of my stuff is. Sometimes it's fairly ugly. Helen is the voice of reason for Race Views. She keeps me semi-honest. That's no small task.
Trust me. And we don't accept plastic. We are accustomed to doing business in small, unmarked bills. Our cousin Guido "No-neck" Morgan is very good at collecting debts. Might not be wise to toy with him. He can get a little bit intense. It's all I can do to hose him down sometimes. Not to mention I have to stand on a chair to slap him. He's quite a big boy.
Nothing to do with our voodoo dolls but we want to salute Derrick Rutter from TN, who chose to stand up and condemn Frontstretch for their recent, horrible attack on Kim Burton, driver Jeff Burton's wife. These fools chose to take issue with her being emotional. Who do these people think they are? Pompous assholes ! We admire Mr. Rutter for not ignoring this latest travesty. Leeches like the ones at Frontstretch give all racing-related websites a black eye. We took issue with a fool named John Gearan who wrote a very insensitive, truly stupid piece, after Adam Petty was killed. I was fairly direct. I felt obligated to be direct. No one at Race Views skates backwards. I'll get in your face in a heartbeat if I think you are abusing a race fan. We won't tolerate that. This isn't SpeedFX - we don't do book reports. We are race fans. We are not frustrated Zane Grey clones.
We are very pleased to be reminded people like Derrick Rutter are willing to speak up.
But we need to digress. I hate to sound like Sue (don't know what her last name is this week) but we need to sell these voodoo dolls. Got a warehouse full of them. We have to move them, man. Helen won't be tolerant much longer. When she gets upset, her hair starts turning red. And she gets very direct.
Mike Morgan
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