| The Cure? |
| by Zellia Metallium |
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| Zelgadis sipped his coffee and watched the (daily) breakfast food fight. Using his Innate Ability that Allows a Chimera to Know the Time Instantly (tm), he had deduced that, after an hour of feasting, fighting, and blowing things up (Lina, Gourry and Amelia), while he sat there with coffee, there was no end in sight. It appeared that he'd have to make an appeal to whatever sense the other three might actually possess if anything was going to happen. But given the amount of sense they actually had....it was a lost cause for sure. "Ah, Zelgadis. Just the person I was looking for," said an all-too-familiar voice behind him. Zelgadis spun around, or tried to. Instead, he found the chair sideways on the floor, with himself draped atop it. As he looked up, a pair of closed eyes and a totally genki smile greeted him. Zelgadis gritted his teeth. "Xellos," he snapped through clenched teeth, "what are you doing here?" (Zellia: You snapped through clenched teeth? Teach me how to do that, Zel-kun! Pleeeeaaaaase? Zelgadis: You're WRITING this deranged fic! You ought to know! Zellia: *innocently* But I'm only setting on paper what the voices in my head tell me! Zelgadis, Get on with the fic, dammit! I want my coffee back! Zellia: Anyway...) Zelgadis gritted his teeth. "Xellos," he snapped through clenched teeth, "what are you doing here?" Xellos evaded the question. "Why, whatever are you doing on the floor, Zelgadis?" Xellos asked innocently, as Zelgadis pulled himself up. "Are you all right?" "Fine," Zelgadis muttered. "Why are you here?" "Well, I just found this book," Xellos paused, floating cross-legged in midair. Nothing happened. Xellos actually frowned. "I just found this book," he repeated in a louder voice. Still nothing happened. Xellos's eyes popped open in annoyance and he glared at the space in front of him, which was by now the back of Zelgadis's head. A truly evil look crossed his face. "If that book doesn't appear RIGHT NOW-" he began. A voice in his head cut him off. <Xellos, is this YOUR book?> <Yes, Lord Beastmaster,> Xellos sighed telepathically. <Don't leave your books lying around. Give it ack to me when you're done, it's interesting.> Xellas paused. <Also...did you take your toothbrush with you, young man?> <Yes, mother.> <And your floss?> <Unwaxed mint-flavored floss. Specially-treated-for-whiteness-and-cavity-preventing toothpaste. The extra special toothbrush.> <Good. Never forget your dental items, Xellos. Remember, any fool Mazoku can kill while having yellow teeth and bad breath, actually most kill with it, but it takes a truly special one to destroy with a minty mouth, no fillings, and pearl-white teeth. Now then, wreak as much havoc as you like, son. Oh, and there's your book.> With that, Beastmaster vanished. (Not that she'd ever physically been there, but you get the idea.) Xellos sighed. His Mistress might like everyone to have no neeed for dentistry, and bishounen anime guys did need white teeth, but still, it just didn't fit the image. Now, a thousand years ago, those were the days. Stinking clothes, matted hair, wine-quaffing: you knew you were a Mazoku, and so did everyone else, if only because you kept blowing everything up. Ah, the curses you could hurl back then- "Hello! Xellos! Ya home? XELLOS!!!" Lina yelled, waving her hand up and down in front of Xellos's face. Not that it would do much good, she reflected, since his eyes were closed. Suddenly Xellos shifted postition. "Hello, Lina!" he smiled. "I was just showing Zelgadis something-" "Ha!" Zelgadis interrupted. "It hit me on the head!" Xellos's head turned in the direction of Zelgadis. "Why, you're right, Zel-kun. It's very interesting the way my book seems to be impaled all the way through with wires. Are Amelia and Gourry having any luck?" "No, Xellos-san. Could you help us, please?" Amelia asked. She and Gourry had been trying to tup the book off Zelgadis's head, to no avail. "Why, certainly, Amelia." Xellos drifted over and teleported the book into his hand. (Yes, the wire holes are all gone now.) "As I was saying, I found this book in my private library." He displayed it. "Oracles, Wisepeople, Diviners, and Other Gerneral Ways of Getting What You Want," Lina read. "Wow.....think of the treasure they could tell me about...." "While reading it," Xellos continued, "I came upon something that may help us find Zelgadis's cure." Zelgadis jumped up and faced Xellos. "Really?" "Well, yes, actually," replied Xellos. "YES!!!!!!!!!" yelled, Zelgadis, enunciating every exclamation mark lovingly, and jumping up and down with excitement. Everyone stared and sweatdropped. "Lina-san," Amelia whispered, "shouldn't we help Zelgadis-san?" "Yeah," said Gourry. "He doesn't look like Zelgadis anymore." "Lina-san, I'm SURE blue isn't a normal color for male kangaroos!" Amelia cried. Everyone's sweatdrops got larger. Kangaroo Zelgadis just kept hopping around kawaii-ly, coffee forgotten. (In fact, he was SO kawaii that the author considered keeping him as a kangaroo- Zelgadis: Source of all souls which dwells in the eternal and infinite, everlasting fla- -but she decided not to.) Lina sighed. This was going too far. "Zelgadis, how are you ever going to find your cure as a kangaroo?" she asked him. When he didn't answer, she reached into a box that had magically appeared beside her, and started pelting Zelgadis with sweatdrops. "Okay, okay! Fine! Here I am!" a (humanoid) Zelgadis yelled (after about fifty had hit him). "Lina, don't use up your entire store of sweatdrops!" "Good, now you're back to normal," Lina said. All the sweatdrops on the floor flew into the box, which disappeared. Zelgadis walked back to their table. "You were saying, Xellos?" "Ah, yes," Xellos smiled. "We must find," he consulted the book, "Her (Self-Declared) Royal Majesty Kyrillionya, queen of the Farthest Northern Regions of Mumbolaland, the Country with the Strategic Importance of a Well-Placed Turnip, Also Known As 'That Obsessed Girl Over There, Go Get Her Will You.'" "Turnips sound good! Where are they?" asked Gourry. "Where's Mumbolaland?" queried Amelia. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????" screamed Lina. "When do we leave?" Xellos asked Zelgadis. "Right now!" Zelgadis replied. "C'mon, teleport us!" Xellos considered this. The look of concentration on his face was almost chibi-like in its intensity. The conflict that was surely raging in his head could have powered a star for a few billion years. Everyone held their breaths as the author worked them up, awaiting his decision. At long last, he spake thusly: "Nah." Everyone except Zelgadis facefaulted. "WHY NOT!!" he demanded. Xellos opened one eye and raised a finger. "Sore wa himitsu desu!" he said cheerfully. And vanished, leaving one scroll of paper in his wake. Zelgadis was too busy thinking up mean things to do to Xellos to notice it, so after everyone else had picked themselves up from their facefaults, Amelia reached out and took the paper, unrolling it and looking at it curiously. "What is it, Amelia?" asked Lina. "It looks like a map, Lina-san..." "A map?" Lina's eyes lit up. "TREASURE!" She grabbed the map and studied it. Unfortunately, nothing looked like treasure. However, she did see something that looked like- "Mumbolaland?" she mumbled. "Sure is tiny...." "Really, Lina-san?" Amelia exclaimed. "Zelgadis-san! Look! Here's a map that'll lead us to your cure!" Zelgadis looked up, finishing the last of his coffee. "Really?" "Yes, Zelgadis-san! Come on, everyone! Didn't I say justice would triumph in the end? And this proves that even though Xellos-san might be a Mazoku, he is still a true ally of justice!" Amelia was, by now, on a table, her finger outstretched. "in the name of justice, onward!" she yeslled, jumping off the table and landing flat on her face. "Onward!" she yelled again, and took off right out the door. Lina sighed. "Well, I guess that finishes breakfast. Let's go, guys." She, Gourry, and Zelgadis headed out the door. "Where did Amelia go?" Gourry wondered, looking around the crowded street. "Here I am, Gourry-san!" Amelia said brightly, popping up right in front of the group. "Which way, Lina-san?" "Well, we're in Seyruun now, and if this map is right, Mumbolaland is to the north," Lina replied. "Okay, we go north!" said Gourry happily. Then he added, "Uh, Lina? Which way's north?" "This way, Gourry." And so the group set out once more, hoping against hope that they wouldn't find themselves killed or, worse, lost with only enough food for two armies! Oh, the horror! And yet, a week later (six days to get to Mumbolaland, one to get to the north part), it was in this appalling position that they found themselves. "I'm hungry!!!!" yelled Lina for the fifth time that morning. (Only the fifth? I'm surprised, Lina.) "Lina," Zelgadis said patiently, "let's go over this again. We are lost in the woods. We have to ration the food." "Screw all that, I'm HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lina yelled. "I only had ten platefuls today! FIREBALL!" Zelgadis ducked instinctively. But the fireball wasn't aimed at him. "YES! More food! Venison!" Gourry and Lina cheered, heading across a clearing. Well, if it shuts her up..., Zelgadis thought, sitting down on the edge of said clearing, next to Amelia, who seemed to be glad of the rest. He couldn't blame her; after all, she was carrying most of the food. "I can't wait until we find your cure, Zelgadis-san!" said Amelia happily. "We're almost at the northern reaches of Mumbolaland!" Zelgadis looked at her bright blue eys, filled with happiness, and though to himself, After I find my cure, I so have to ask her out. He blushed at the idea. (Yes, I'm a Zel/Amelia person. Don't like it? TOUGH.) "Zelgadis-san? Are you all right?" "I'm fine, Amelia," he said quickly, looking away. Where his eyes landed next- well, let's just say they wished they hadn't landed there.You know how Lina and Gourry get when they're eating. Imagine it in the woods with undercooked venison as a meal! Ewwwww!! (Anyway after everyone has recovered from that mental picture, on with the fic!) But Lina and Gourry finished quickly. "Let's rest here a little!" Lina said, looking happy that she'd finally gotten more food. They were slumped against various tree trunks, all four dozing lightly, when suddenly- "BIKKIT! WANNA BIKKIT!" "Bikkit? What's that?" asked the resident jellyfish brains, earning himself a smack. A toddler, well, toddled around a tree and saw them. "Hi!" she said brightly. "Who are you?" Lina said cautiously. If her recent adventure involving Hellmaster Phibrizzo had taught her anything, it was this: don't trust little kids. The toddler gave her a truly disdainful look, of the sort only toddlers can give. "Bikkit!" she said. Lina sweatdropped. "Uh....." The sweatdrop grew as the toddler, now chewing a piece of shoulder-length blond hair, walked up to Lina and put her face very near the sorceress's. "Bikkit?" she said seriously. "My name's Lina, what's yours?" Lina asked in a desperate attempt to get something other than "bikkit" out of the kid. "BIKKIT!" yelled the toddler, nearly turning Lina deaf for life. Gourry blinked. "I get it! Your name's Bikkit, right kid?" he said. The toddler burst into tears (shoving the bit of hair out of her mouth), ran over to Zelgadis and flung herself into his lap, sobbing "bikkit!" Now Zelgadis sweatdropped. "Bikkit?" he ventured. The toddler muttered, "Bikkit bikkit." Zelgadis gave up, not that he'd ever actually tried. What an underachiever. "Look," he said, "my name's Zelgadis Grewyers, that's Lina Inverse, that's Gourry Gabriev, and that's Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun. Okay?" The toddler looked at everyone, then hopped off Zelgadis's lap and said, "Sorry, didn't bikkit recognize you. However, I've been bikkit expecting you. Xellos told me you'd be here. I am-" She was cut off by Gourry. He blinked and said, "Wow! She talks like a grownup! Ow! Lina, what was that for?" (You could just make that into a poem of Gourry-ness, ne?) "So, who are you?" Zelgadis probed. I am Her (Self-Declared) Royal Majesty Kyrillionya, queen of the Farthest Northern Regions of Mumbolaland, the Country with the Strategic Importance of a Well-Placed Turnip, Also Known As 'That Obsessed Girl Over There, Go Get Her Will You,'" the toddler replied with dignity. There was a moment of silence as everyone digested this. Then Lina broke into hysterics. "HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...." Her (Self-Declared) Royal Majesty Kyrillionya, queen of the Farthest Northern Regions of Mumbolaland, the Country with the Strategic Importance of a Well-Placed Turnip, Also Known As 'That Obsessed Girl Over There, Go Get Her Will You', sighed. She really hated this part of reincarnation, she mused as she totaled the others' reactions. The chimera was giving her a look of disbelief, the one Xellos had said was a jellyfish looked like he was preparing for yet another brilliant statement, and the princess looked simply shocked. Lina finished her bout of laughter and said, "That's a good one, kid! Ne, who are you REALLY?" "I am in bikkit the first few years of my fifth reincarnation cookie wanna cookie as Her (Self-Declared) Royal Majesty Kyrillionya, queen of the Farthest Northern Regions of Mumbolaland, the Country with the Strategic cookiewannaCOOKIE Importance of a Well-Placed Turnip, Also Known As 'That Obsessed Girl Over There, Go Get Her Will You.' The other bikkit traits come with the body COOKIE, unfortunately." "Do you want a cookie, kid?" asked Gourry, removing one from the big food pack that was right next to him. "GOURRY! THAT'S OURS!!!!" yelled Lina. "Oh, come on, Lina. We can give one to a kid, right?" Gourry said, handing Her (Self-Declared) Royal Majesty Kyrillionya, queen of the Farthest Northern Regions of Mumbolaland, the Country with the Strategic Importance of a Well-Placed Turnip, Also Known As 'That Obsessed Girl Over There, Go Get Her Will You' the cookie. "Weren't you LISTENING, Gourry? She's REALLY OLD, not a kid! Like Hellmaster Phibrizzo!" Gourry thought a little. "Who's he?" "AAHHHHHHHHH! Fireball!" Lina screeched. After Gourry had been toasted, she turned back to the toddler (hereafter referred to as Ky), who had by now devoured the cookie. "mmmgoo'cookie I was told that you need something to turn bikkit you human, Zelgadis," Ky was saying. "I have just the bikkit thing." Zelgadis looked excited. "You have my cure?" "Yes," nodded Ky, "I do. It is an ancient and mystic bikkit ritual that you must perform, involving hand gestures and, of course, the bikkit magic-filled costume." Amelia had a bad feeling about this. She remembered the last time she had to cast a spell involving gestures and a costume. (You probably do too.) "Zelgadis-san, maybe this isn't a good idea," she said, but Zelgadis wasn't listening. "Tell me what I must do!" "First," replied Ky, "you must wear this." She handed Zelgadis a parcel. He disappeared into the woods to change. (Anyone feel like submitting fanart for that last sentence?) When he came out, his friends were speechless. All but one, that is. "Wow, Zel!" Gourry exclaimed. "How'd you get yourself inside a hot dog? You even got the bun on right!" Lina recovered from her facefault first. (Tongue twister! Say "facefault first" three times fast!) "Jellyfish brains!" she yelled. "It's a costume, and you're not supposed to know about hot dogs!" "Oh, sorry," said Gourry. "What next?" Zelgadis asked. Ky handed him some wire. "Now you must sculpt a pheonix, two bikkit butterflies, and a basilisk," she said gravely. As Zelgadis turned awa, she added, "But wait! bikkit Do you know the song 'But, But, But!'?" Zelgadis nodded. Then you must sing it as you work." Zelgadis nodded again, waited, then turned away. "Wait!" Ky called again. "While you do this, my friend Joe bikkit Schmoe will be caricaturing you." "What?" Zelgadis sputtered. "And of course, my other friend bikkit Xellos Metallium will be videotaping you. He's a Mazoku, so he's allowed to do otherworldly things." Xellos appeared, a digital camera in one hand, his staff in the other. "Hello, Zelgadis!" he said cheerfully. Not that he says it any other way. Zelgadis closed his eyes and chanted, "It's for the cure, it's for the cure, it's for the cure-" "Yare, yare, Zel-kun!" Xellos interrupted. "What an interesting shade of purple! So lovely!" With an effort, Zelgadis fought down his anger, sat down in the middle of the clearing, and started singing and bending wire. Unfortunately, Joe was whistling "I've Been Working on the Railroad" while he worked, so Zelgadis was singing against another melody. Poor Zelgadis! Xellos started singing along with Zelgadis until Ky whacked him. "Quit bikkit it!" she snapped. Surprisingly, Xellos did. After the pheonix was done (along with ten rounds of "But, But, But!") everyone heard someone snapping their fingers. They looked around, shrugged, and turned back to Zelgadis. The author, watching invisibly as she wrote, burst out laughing. Zelgadis now looked exactly like he had during the beginning of the Brass Rackets episode. Dress, fake breasts, whitened face, and smeared lipstick. And the tune had changed. He was now singing "Ganbare Necromancer" in a high, warbly, thin falsetto. This continued. The songs went through "Alone", "Ame no Far Away", "Get Along", "Shakunetsu no Koi", and "Give a Reason". Amelia, Gourry, and Lina sweatdropped. Ky was smiling. When Zelgadis had finished all the sculpture, he looked expectantly at Ky. "Well?" "One more thing," replied the toddler. Waltz music started playind. "Dance with Amelia." "Huh?" "Dance. With. bikkit Amelia." Zelgadis blushed furiously. You could actually make it out under all the lipstick. "In this?" Ky considered. "bikkit Nah, go change into your normal clothes- but no shirt or cape!" Now both Zelgadis and Amelia were blushing. However, Zelgadis disappeared again, then came back topless. (Excuse the author. She is currently wiping masses of drool off her chin and wondering why Amelia has all the luck.) Zelgadis and Amelia started waltzing, careful to avoid the four statues. At first both were really nervous, but then they gradually eased into the rhythm. Both still had crimson skin, however. Gourry noticed Lina sneak a sidelong glance at him and started wondering if he should ask her to dance. But then th emusic stopped. Zelgadis and Amelia, frantically looking anywhere but each other, both turned to look at Ky... ....who had been replaced by a tall, blond-haired woman rolling on the ground laughing her ass off. After a while, the woman stood up and said, "Not bad, Zelgadis." Lina noticed how her bangs covered her eyes. Looking at Zelgadis's, Amelia's, Lina's, Gourry's, Joe Schmoe's, and Xellos's bemused expressions, she explained, "This is the body of Her (Self-Declared) Royal Majesty Kyrillionya, queen of the Farthest Northern Regions of Mumbolaland, the Country with the Strategic Importance of a Well-Placed Turnip, Also Known As 'That Obsessed Girl Over There, Go Get Her Will You.' Right now I'm possessing it, 'me' being the Lord of Nightmares. Everyone but Gourry dropped to their knees. Lina reached up and pulled Gourry down. "Jellyfish brains, that's L-sama! Creator! Mother of all! Bow or she'll incinerate you!" Gourry dropped, wondering what "incinerate" was. Maybe it was a kind of meat... "Anyway, Zelgadis, I was going to cure you if you made me laugh hard enough. That little blushing contest between you and Amelia nearly did it. However, I'm afraid that you weren't quite funny enough for me to expend enough chaos energy to turn you fully human. Sorry." And the Lord of Nightmares vanished, taking the statues with her. Zelgadis stared at the space where she'd been, in shock. "N-n-n-n-n-n-no cure?" he mumbled. "He's in shock, Lina-san! We'd better get him to an inn!" Amelia cried. The group ran off. Joe Schmoe looked around at the clearing which now held only Xellos and he. " 'M goin' back t'me cabin, mate," he rumbled. Xellos smiled. "Okay!" As Joe Schmoe left, he reached along the telepathic link to his mistress. <Lord Beastmaster?> <What, Xellos?> <I have something to show you! A new video!> <Don't be silly, I'm out hunting.> <I guarantee, Mistress, that you'll be rolling around the floor laughing when it's finished!> <Fine, show it to me. And Xellos?> <Yes, Lord Beastmaster?> <That medicine I prescribed for evil genkiness?> <Yes, Mistress?> <WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TAKING IT?????> (That's if you thought Xellos wasn't nearly genkily evil enough in this fic!) Later that day, three wails resounded over the continent. The first was one of laughter, emitted by Xellas Metallium, after watching Xellos's video. The second was one of despair, emitted by Zelgadis Greywers, upon remembering what he'd done for a cure, and the fact that there was no cure. However, those two wordless screams could not even begin to compare to the third, which was a hell of a lot louder than the other two combined, and had words. It was emitted by Lina Inverse: "WE LEFT OUR FOOD IN THE WOODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" |
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| That's the end! This is my first fanfic, so feedback would be appreciated. Email me! |
| Disclaimer: Slayers is copyrighted to a bunch of other people. I didn't create any of these characters and I don't own them. Don't sue me, I'm broke. |