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Micheal W. Smith : Missing Person
Enjoy the following Jokes!
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Top 9 Signs Your cat Knows your Internet Password >>>
9 Things Dogs Don't Understand >>>
10 Signs You're at a Bad Zoo >>>
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker >>>
Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World >>> McDonalds Food Ideas
>>> Bad Hostage Negotiator >>> Bad Negotiator
A Cat's Dictionary:
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing
cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password:
9. E-mail flames from some guy named
"Fluffy."
8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about their release of "CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
2. On IRC you're known as the Iron Mouser.
and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Nine things dogs don't understand:
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking
at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and
feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo:
1. When no one else is looking, you swear
that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team
during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of
Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort
of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker:
10. You ticked him off once and your next
phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World:
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000
Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report Euro Disney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic
Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
McDonalds Food Ideas:
Chicken McBobbitts
Salmon McNella
Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
Shirley McLean Burger
McMenudo
Filet o' Gefilte Fish
Way Too Happy Meal
Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
Them Ain't Nuggets!
McKitty Sandwich
Boutrous Boutrous Burger
Rocky Mountain McOysters
McSpleen
The Depressed Meal
Filet O' Flesh
McShrooms
Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
McTonya Club Sandwich
Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
Bad Hostage Negotiator:
As Hostage Taker:
Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the
bathroom.
Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to
see what's taking him so long.
Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then
remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door
opener.
Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages
go.
Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock
scissors tournament.
Forget your gun at home.
Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she
marry you.
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As Negotiator:
Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "Its all you you you! What
about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust
pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and don't do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I
can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets
the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage taker that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV
movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying
out of a 52nd story window.
Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal
with him.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never
gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
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