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Screwed Computer Viruses >>> Windows Error Codes >>>
>>> Laws of Golf >>> 10 Ways to Annoy your Waiter
Dumb Alabama Laws:
It is illegal for a driver to be
blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape
duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case
of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
Incestuous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Top
Screwed Up Computer Viruses:
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of
bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not
exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor,
slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus
protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it
has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without
joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units,
each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until
November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its
appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really
mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you
of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to
itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out
but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it
is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor
about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from
the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half
blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Error Codes in Windows:
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in
danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desk view found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you
will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus,
however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus
will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please
click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional
errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system
to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has
been deleted
Confusion About Y2K:
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss,
none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company
calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved
months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak,
Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York
Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
Top
The Laws of Golf:
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last
shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole,
since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist
of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset.
Top Ten ways to annoy your waiter:
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner,
would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.