el 19 de mayo del 2005

what scares me is that..i don't know who i'm talking about anymore

i'm such a liar..really. i can't even trust my own feelings anymore. heh..it's not like i really could from the start. i just fucking love..him. but i don't even know who i'm talking about anymore. it feels so lonely. i want someone who'll hold me and dance with me in the rain...just somebody to be there for me. i don't care..if they do it out of pity, but i just want somebody there. i don't want to be one of those people..who only express themselves via aim. they ask each other out on aim..they talk through all their problems on aim..they only tell each other they love them through aim. it's so fake. i want something real. i want it all in reality. as long as my part is real..i don't care. i'm so weak, i can't even hold myself up through this. i'm just so sick of doing everything the same way. i want to do things differently. hahaha i'm such a loser. i'm sick again. and i ended up not telling her nor anyone. i'm so stupid..i swear everyone can agree with me on that. everything's boring now, i have nothing to talk about with anyone anymore. they're all too close to one another that i can't trust any of them. 'cause i know that if they all trust each other..it won't be kept between just me and someone. it'll become the rumor of the week. homework sucks. tests suck. school sucks. life sucks.

el 18 de mayo del 2005

if i keep it to myself, nobody will get hurt

boring as always. i'm screwed for tomorrow..there's a spanish test and i forgot a lot of the vocab already. there's a call of the wild test for english..and i have no idea what the hell happened in chapters 3 and 4. i took another nap today. nowadays, it's like i'm dead. i keep sleeping endlessly..it's like i never want to wake up. i just took a shower..god i hate showers. there's nothing to do so i just end up thinking. showering makes me think and remember things..it's really weird. i might tell her tomorrow..if i'm in the mood and if the surrounding's in the mood. i never did something like this so it'll feel awkward. but i probably won't end up doing it. i always say i'll do things at night but the next day, i don't end up doing it. well..i have to practice flute tomorrow. i didn't upload any songs today..if i did it would probably be a matchbook romance song. i downloaded their whole album..i'm starting to love them. it's strange how i go from listening to trance to poprock? i skipped the whole rap genre hahaha. music's soothing. i don't want tomorrow to come..24 fucking school days left. i need to keep my head up and become optimistic. curiostiy kills. i'm probably going to sleep soon..so i'll stop. she's so happy..when he smiles.

el 17 de mayo del 2005

does it hurt? 'cause it's hurting me.

today was just..there's not even a word for it. i'm practically doing nothing during p.e., and i don't know why. when the ball comes towards me for volleytennis, i act on instinct and just step aside from the ball. i don't know why i do that, it's such a strange instinct. during drake..i don't even pay attention to the story, it's such a..boring book. i don't even know what the hell they're talking about until drake tells us. spanish is just stupid..i don't want to fucking memorize like 100 words that i'll be forgetting in a couple days. brown's class is always a bore. she just keeps talking and talking..and trying to explain everything..but it doesn't get THROUGH. the greatest part was lunch..obviously. we had that math team party thing..and i made brownies. i guess it was hilarious because it took federoff like 10 minutes open the small piece of chocolate. i didn't know that i wrapped that many layers. i thought it was just a few..hahaha but it was actually a lot. i taped it all around, put it in a bigger box, and wrapped that with newspapers and even more tape. and then i told him it was fragile..so he couldn't cut it and he had to be careful with it. so then he had to keep opening it and opening it. and when he found the small box in the big box, he was like..WHAT THE..and he just had to keep opening it and getting even more pissed until he found the chocolate in it HAHAHA well it was funny at the moment. we did nothing except work on the oratorical during wilson. the oratorical actually gives us something to do during history. but it just takes too long to think about what i can put down, even though i chose an easy topic. science was just..stupid. it always is. i seriously hate downey. she should die. she is the shittiest teacher i have this year. OHH and brandon and i made a bet on who plays the flute/trumpet better by the time school starts. HAHA if i win he has to admit that i'm better and give me a flower =]. i can't find good charlotte - mountain in .wma or .mp3 format, anywhere. i want to put it up on the page or myspace or something =[. instead i'm starting to like matchbook romance - promise, it's a pretty alright song. "why does hello feel like goodbye? these memories can't replace these wishes i wished and these dreams i chased. take this broken heart and make it right." i feel like that right now.

el 16 de mayo del 2005

everywhere i go, everyone's talking about it. what about me?

i'm proud of myself, i'm actually updating this thing daily. hmm i got more good charlotte songs on my computer. they're..okaii. the old songs are better though. well there wasn't that much homework today. we started the oratorical during history today, but wilson kept talking and stuff [about it? iono] so i didn't write much down. i want to get at least 4th for it, but i doubt i will..my writing's too much like shit. i also baked brownies for math team tomorrow. i think it might be really sweet 'cause i added crapload of layers of icing on it. the highlight of my day was probably watching loveless episode 6. one episodes comes out per week every monday. i have to remember that. oh and did i mention that i'm doing horrible in all my classes? i forgot how to do some problems for math, i'm not even bothering with english, and spanish is just so BLAH. and i flunked the test today for english. i'm probably going to fail the oral test tomorrow for spanish. and what's worse is that i don't even care that much. i have such high expectations that i get so mad at myself when i get a low grade. but who's fault is it really? it's mine. not much to really say..i should really practice flute and piano more often. the teacher will probably hate me if i play crappy. and i'm getting too conceited at piano..i'm really not that good. i felt like such a loser..i started calling some seventh graders to tell them to bring money. well i'm looking forward to federoff opening his gift tomorrow. it'll be pretty hilarious, i just need to set myself to the right mood. i'll have christine take pictures and i'll post them up here =P. my camera's too big..but it's nice. i want a smaller one and then i can start taking crapload of pictures of those people again.

el 15 de mayo del 2005

the cuts are almost gone..& i'm not healed

i was going to go to jtown today with my family, except i was too tired to wake up. instead i woke up around 12:30 and went to the mall with christine to buy gifts for federoff. we ate at the rose diner or something and it was pretty good. after a while hannah was there because of the postponed protest. it was alright. we bought him a pillow for his car, a piece of chocolate, a sign that helps relieve stress, and 3 ties. we didn't spend as much money because we don't think that everyone's going to pay. so people owe me around $50? the weather's so hot now, it's crazy. i'm actually sweating when i don't even do anything. it still depresses me. what's even more depressing is that i don't know why it depresses me. it's so..stupid. i should be happy for 'em but i'm..not. i'm..jealous? if that's what you want to call it. really..i can listen to so many people complain about it, when it doesn't even hurt them as much. i want to put something interesting in here but there's nothing to really..put. people come here but i don't think that they actually read it, haha. pretty..pathetic. well, update later? maybe. i'm adding more songs later on. here's just something i found on the myspace bulletin.
10th Grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. she was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, brown hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and i handed them to her. she said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th Grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. she was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart. she asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. she looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior Year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did.

Prom Night
After everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another guy. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn`t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". she said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:
I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me.
I wish I did too... I thought to myself, and I cried.

el 14 de mayo del 2005

everywhere i go i can't stop thinking about it

i just started this again for the joy of it. i'll probably stop writing in this after a week or a month. there was just nothing to do todayy. chinese school was a bore..as always, nobody usually has energy during it. the greatest part was probably my great 4 hour nap! whooopy that was so fun until my grandma woke me up to go eat dinner haha. hmm.. i need more anime to watch, well actually i have some at my house..it's just i don't want to watch those, haha i'm so picky. there's also just a month left of school, i'm telling myself to make the best out of it..but it's just too boring. it's like everyone's trying to except they forget to. i'm just out of it, too..like everything. my grades are dropping, i'm not as happy, i'm getting even more tired than usual, and i can't eat a lot anymore. i might add other sections to this..like songs i uploaded on rapidshare. but i don't think anybody would download them. oh well, it's a good way to waste time. well probably going to sleep early today.

el 13 de mayo del 2005

i gave it all up so i'll throw it all away

i went crazy today. i received a couple of cuts that i didn't think would hurt. i cried in the shower because of what i've lost. i gave up so much..and i just went crazy. it's so..unexplainable that i can't hold it all together. but i found out what i am in life..i'm a fool..a not big enough fool. i want to be the biggest fool of them all. i won't ever be hurt, i can be as stupid as i want..and i can not understand a thing. if i was a fool today, then nothing would've happened. i wouldn't have known something that would hurt. it's been almost three months. it seems so long ago that i gave it all up. i gave him up and so many of the rules that made up..me. all just for him. and it wasn't until today that i had realized i've been wasting my time. i'm not surprised though. it's always the same cycle over and over again. the beginning, the building up, the jealousy, the leave, and the crying. it's always been the same. but what made it feel so great last time..is that it felt so real. i wanted to feel that again..but this time it feels artificial. i fucked up my whole life because of my desire to want. it was so real last time that it pierced my heart. this time..it was an impulse emotion. but then..it began to feel real..and it was. at least that's what i thought. i can't believe i was so stupid to throw away so much just for..nothing. i want it to rain..i'll make it rain. i wanted to dance in the rain today..with someone. but nobody would've danced with me. nobody..notices. but i'm not surprised. i'm going to throw it all away. screw my rules. i'm going to fucking change myself and make them all regret it. i'll make everyone regret. i'll become a whole different person.

el 12 de mayo del 2005

it seems so close but far away

i give up..on everything. i just can't stand it anymore. everything seems so close when it's so far away. i feel so stupid..like an idiot or something. i just want to run away from everything. i need a break from it all, i don't even want to take another glance at it. the world's always turning and you know why? because it turns on us. the world's always turning on us. it's never going to side with us..or maybe it's just me. there's nothing left, everything's all gone. i have so much but i don't know what it is. and because of that..i feel so lonely. i can never see what i have..but i'm human -- i just want. i want more and more each and every single day. it..hurts to want. it hurts to want so badly that you lose control of yourself. it ..just hurts. why..can't i cry in front of people? i'm always trying..to create this image of myself. this image of me..that's strong and can hold it all together. but really..i'm not that type of person. i don't know..how to cry in front of people. but for some reason..i can always cry at home. nobody will know. but i don't know what's so depressing. it just hurts, my heart hurts. they have songs on everything you can think of except how i feel. but others should feel the same, shouldn't they? it's all..just a phase. i can get through it, can't i? but sometimes it seems so much easier to not. it seems so much easier to be with the little kids in the sandbox, getting sand in my eyes and crying because of my childish stupidity. when i think about it, i wasted my time in elementary school. i wasted everything..i could've had. sometimes i just want to die. i want to give the rest of my life to someone who needs it. it's stupid to think this way..at such a young age, but i do..i want to give the rest of my lifespam to someone who wants it..someone who needs it. it feels like such a waste..letting me have something so precious. and i look down on it..i never respect it. i'm not worthy enough to have this thing called "life". i'm too ignorant to understand how it works. is that why..i'm never satisfied? i don't know what satisfaction feels like. i can think that everything's going perfectly fine..and then taking one glance at reality..it's the total opposite. & here i go complaining again when i'm so lucky to even be here.

i love..him. but it's not love.