1. I don't care what they say, NEVER, let me repeat, NEVER leave home... without your house key.
2. Don't build your life on lies, it's all bound to come down some day, and that just leaves you without a real life.
3. Don't fuck dogs. Or any other household animal. Actually, just make that any animal... except chickens, chickens are good.
4. Expanding #3... Don't stick hamsters in your ass, one day its going to get stuck, and then you have to get to the doctor somehow without getting it shoved farther into your ass. And uh, what exactly would you say to the doctor, "This hamster just climbed right up in my ass while I was sleeping!" ?
5. Unfortunately, your right or left hand...whichever you prefer, is going to be the only thing thats ALWAYS there for you. Don't lose them, feet don't work well.
6. Everything can be fixed, it's just a matter of whether you want to fix it or not. If another person is involved, then you both have to want to fix it, and so on and so forth.
7. You can NOT do anything you put your mind to, specially when it comes to women. Or creating a moon base and learning the Klingon language while deep in space sector A5C2.
8. Use deodorant.