Is this Bigfoot? Surely it's a fake...

The impact on tourism in the local area is huge but the impact on the natural environment is devastating. Petitions have been sent to the local government to try and stop the hoardes rampaging through the undergrowth and damaging sites of special scientific interest. We at NotS have learnt that these letters are being systematically ignored.

It turns out that Jeremiah Francis, local counsellor for the area and representative of the farming communities around the TOSA territories is on the payroll of Troubleshooters Ltd, a subsidiary company of a certain "Byron Inc.", an organisation we know only too well at NotS.

Bob McDonald - He looks like Bigfoot...
er... he claims to have SEEN Bigfoot and the Golden Alien.

Posters have been put up for the capture of the Bigfoot all around the local woods and highways and an even greater influx of visitors is expected now that new rumours of an alien being spotted have surfaced.

It was revealed to the public that several witnesses have come forward to the authorities claiming to have seen a bright golden alien, formidable looking with big guns and glowing eyes, and that it just mysteriously vanished into the woods.

Several other people have come forward claiming they were attacked by wolves, which haven't been seen in the area for 15 to 20 years previous to today.

Sheriff Baron Duane von Heinrich II

Local park warden Sheriff Baron Duane von Heinrich II, [known as Duane to his colleagues, or Sheriff Heinrich II to his family] is said to have found bark rubbings which prove the presence of a forest-dwelling yeti beast of some description.

Is it possible that the Sasquatch has been sighted near the House of Lurve? It seems that anything is possible in the vicinity of the TOSA Temple and the mysterious book known as the TOSA Sutra, but can this myth actually be taken seriously?

And what of the reports of a strange glowing golden alien being with weapons and rayguns, and of the return of wolves to the area for the first time in 20 years? Is there a more sinister explanation for all this ridiculous nonsense?

One man in a local paper suggested that the TOSA Temple was behind it all, and that the CrAzY people there were to blame.

'A local clown speaks out'

"Them TOSAns, they so straight crazee, selling their moonshine liqor called Buzz Juice to innocent young kids through illegal outlets and such. Y'all don't know what them miscreants and deviants get up to. I say they're polluting the rivers with their foul excrement which is an insult to our Lord above and the earth below. It ain't none right I tell ya! It ain't none right." - A local clown.

We at NotS don't believe this lunatic and are now more inclined to believe the preposterous stories of Bigfoot roaming the countryside than some red-nosed freak from the YMCA. Unless of course someone proves us wrong.

- Hank

Health and Safety officials claim that due to the extreme cold and freezing conditions of the freak winter that has set in, spectators may actually become frozen to the loo seats as they relieve themselves.

Concerns have also been voiced over the threat of avalanches and spectators being buried alive in the cubicles under 30 feet of snow and rubble.

A spokesperson for the High Council Creative Solutions Department has issued a statement:

"Our best scientists are working on this issue which we hope to have resolved shortly, and definitely well before the games begin. We have looked into heated toilet seats but the Health and Safety Board feel that this might cause unnecessary burning of the rear.

At times it seems we cannot win, but we will find a solution no matter what. The games will not be cancelled due to a minor irritation like this. One possible solution may be a brand new design of the humble toilet which would be impervious to weather conditions. We will show our ideas to the health and safety board soon and hope to have the matter resolved."

It is rumoured that the radical new design may infact be a cardboard container similar to that used in many hospitals for those who we may describe as the "bed-stricken-yet-badly-needing-the-loo" types.

Toilets - taken for granted TOO often

It turns out that socks may still be worn in temples but only under certain conditions. The defining line is actually quite simple and is based on the difference between a man and a woman.

A High Council spokesperson had this to say:

"There is much wisdowm in the Sutra, but of socks it has this to say. The difference between men and women, is that women can look sexy just wearing tights, but men can never look sexy just wearing socks. This is the undeniable truth."

We at NotS had to agree with the wise sage on this matter, as no matter how we tried we couldn't help but laugh at any mental image of any man in just socks. One backroom cleaner did point out to me later though, that it depends how many socks and where you were wearing them. Bizarre.

So fear not, socks are not outlawed like such brazenly unsexy outfits like cardigans and anoraks, but if you happen to be walking around butt naked except for your tootsies, then beware for Section 69 may pay you a visit.

So close to being blacklisted - socks.

We would like to point out that the banning of Socks
in no way refers to the pet cat of ex-president Bill Clinton or any other domestic animal of the same name.