Ian's Site

Pubs 'n' Clubs

INTRO - HOW TO GET SERVED IN A PUB IN 2 MINUTES
By Apache64 of KKI

For those of you who have stood waiting at a bar while everyone seems to be getting served except you, this is what you need - the top ten tips to getting served first! And the top ten things of what NOT to do.

PLEASE NOTE: I have worked in a busy city pub for two years and am positive these things work!

1. Be female. Not easy if you're male, but well worth a try as it works wonders for getting served quickly!

2. If you aren't female then go with your girlfriend - she'll get served immediately.

If you can't do either of the above then you'll have problems, but try these methods for starters;

3. Know at least one of the barstaff - then you've got no problems.

4. Work at the pub so that you can swan in past the bouncers (while everyone else is getting knocked- back), go up to the bar and say in a clear voice "Alright mateys, how's it goin'?" - A drink will appear as if by magic.

5. Important note for number 4 - make sure you are well liked there if you try this one!

6. Go there every day for a year until you start getting treated as a regular, then solution 4 will work just as well.

7. Pretend to know one of the barstaff - walk (or struggle) up to the bar, tap him on the shoulder and try method 4 - this will either get you a drink or have you thrown out in under two minutes. Worth a try if you're really desperate.

8. Find a nice-looking girl waiting to {4be served and try and fight your way in next to her. She's bound to get served next so, as soon as the barman has given her her change whack your order in quick!

9. Risky one this, but try shouting "I'll have a bottle of Pils while yer there mate!" - this may work if the barman is a bit of a twat as he'll expect to be hit by you if he doesn't get you a bottle.

Things to bear in mind with number 9:

Make sure the pub sells Pils otherwise you'll look a complete tosser.

Make sure you like Pils otherwise you'll look an even bigger tosser if you throw up on the bar. Make sure the barman is standing near the fridge (or wherever they keep the stuff) otherwise you might end up with half a pint of piss if he was just on his way the the toilet.

Make VERY sure there isn't a big bastard standing next to you trying to get served coz if you do get served before him he'll probably shove the bottle up where only customs and excise dare to probe.

10. Lastly, walk in with an L-plate over your bollocks - a silly paper hat on your head and a condom up your nose and you'll probably be given a pint on the house for looking a complete twat. Either that or you'll have seven shades of shit kicked out of you.

THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO

1. NEVER slag off the barman/barmaid (no matter how ugly). Even if you don't get thrown out, you won't get served again and IF you do get served again there will be so much spit in the pint you'd think it was Labbatts.

2. NEVER try to chat up a barmaid - 99% of the time they're going out with someone already (usually one of the barmen - hee hee!) and you'll only make a complete fool of yourself - I mean, try this...

This bloke starts trying to chat up one of our barmaids, now, the music is goin' at full blast so he's shouting his head off trying to get her to hear and then - the music stops...

The last thing he shouted was "I'd love to shag you silly!", well, when the music went off, the whole place heard it - including several lads built like brick shit-houses - we never saw him after that. Don't try it!

3. When you go to the bar TRY to look sober - you'll stand a better chance of getting served.

4. DON'T try and claim you gave a tenner when you actually gave a fiver - the way it goes is: you're pissed and the barman isn't - so there.

5. NEVER say "The drinks are on me!" - you'll be trampled to death. Obvious really but I'm only on number 5 and I'm starting to run out.

6. NEVER play any song by: East 17, Danni Monogue, or Take That etc., you WILL be found out! Even if it's for your girlfriend - there again, if she's into Take That then what are you doing going out with her? More to the point, what are you doing in a pub with her?

7. NEVER flash a wad of twenties at the bar! They'll have gone walkabouts by the end of the evening. Get a shitty-looking fiver out before you get to the bar - you'll look more like a student.

8. If there is a pool table in the pub NEVER play when you're pissed - you're bound to poke a lass in an awkward place - and her boyfriend will DEFINITELY be bigger than you!

9. When a song comes on that you don't like NEVER slag it off - the person who chose it will be sitting next to you - and he'll be bigger than you too.

10. Lastly, don't EVER get into a fight! Easier said than done I know, but YOU will come off worse! No matter who starts it.