For those who know me well, 
they also know that before I came to Montana, 
and for four years after I arrived, 
I looked like I just walked out of an IBM job fair, 
or a Police Academy!
I was always clean shaven and my hair 
was cropped very short.
Shortly after my Doctors discovered 
that I had a very serious and 
life threatening disease (Hepatitus-C), 
I started a year of heavy chemotherapy. 
During this period of time I had 
every damned side effect that you could think of 
and the hair loss was an unwelcomed shock. 
Every time I took a shower and washed my hair, 
it fell out in handfuls. When I combed or brushed my hair,
I would have to clean the hair out of them 
two or three times just to get the teeth or the bristles 
through it (oh, where are the violins!).
The bottom line is... I was becoming bald, 
and not evenly... 
but in great big ugly splotches.

Sylvia had asked me a few times 
if I would grow my hair back out, 
and wear it like I did when we were young. 
I thought about this,  but I had a different agenda.

While I was doing the chemotherapy thing,
I started studying the many different herbs and plants 
that are used for medicinal healing.
I had great help from several 
Red Brothers and Sisters that I had met
both on the net, and locally,
Sam and Rain Silverhawk being two of them!
They helped put me on track spiritually,
as well as a new defined look at 
who I was and how I was living my life.
What I was missing!

I also wanted to 
search my family tree to find out why my 
spirit and soul had adopted the way 
of the American Indian, 
and why was I starting to finally look 
and see Mother Earth through a Red Heart.

I was in meditation and imaging one morning 
(as I do on a daily basis), 
and as I sat there on the floor pondering my future, 
or the expected lack of it... 
I promised myself that if I was able 
to beat the disease and live, 
I was going to grow my hair out down to my butt
and adopt a carefree lifestyle that brought me closer 
to the animals that helped me through the onslought.
To respect every living thing that the 
Great Skyfather had bestowed upon Mother Earth.
To love and touch everyone that I could with 
all of the days of the rest of my life,
and to live every single day to it's fullest potential.
To not care about how anybody else felt about my
personal beliefs and behaviour.
And to never take life for granted again!
(grab the soapbox)
 

I guess for me it is a personal statement 
about the way of things.
You see, 
I have dressed in three piece suits and white shirts.
I gave my heart and soul to the job that did me in. 
I pushed myself farther than most individuals 
ever would have. 
I continued to educate myself 
so I could be an asset to the company.
I gave my all to the working world by being there over 
60 hours a week, but as soon as I became disabled, 
I was tossed away like some piece of broken equipment.
Okay, I am a realist and I know how 
the games of life are played,
but I guess my situation opened my eyes 
to the way things really are for me,
and many others like me!
For me personally,
it is my lifes greatest let down.
I just do not feel like impressing anyone 
but myself anymore,
as life is too short to play anymore head games.
I will not allow my life to me controlled 
by anyone else but me anymore.
(I've taken my toys and gone home).

When someone tells you that you only 
have a year or less of life left,
and that you are going to go through 
phases of agonizing degeneration, 
the fear and the horror are overwhelming.
After the worrying and panic subsides, 
there is a blank and numb feeling. 
This is where the powers of ones spirituality 
starts to kick in, and you start to realize 
that the one life you are given is yours, 
and yours alone. 
You may share that life with anybody you want to... 
but your life belongs to you. (including you hair)

There are two groups decisions that can be made.
the first one is... 
Do I start getting my things in order 
and say my good-byes?
Do I just sit and feel sorry for myself
and start a big pity party?
Do I lay in bed while the world goes on
and wait for the immenant to come?
(do I cut my hair and send it to someone?)

The second is...
Research the health problem,
try old world remedies,
Pray
Fight to the bitter end,
Pray,
Focus on lifes positives,
Pray,
Fight More,
Pray...
(keep your damned hair and pretend you are "Samson")
 
 

When I reached this point, 
I told myself to live the way I was being guided to live, 
to listen to my Red Heart, 
and take the walk on the Red Path. 
My life has taken a complete 180 degree turn 
since then and I consider myself 
a much more grounded person than I was.
I have been given the gift of life through 
my American Indian spiritual beliefs and practices 
that I hold Sacred and Dear to me. 
Mother Earth and all of the Skyfathers creations, 
and the respect and devotion I have for them 
is what keeps me going.
There is no more anger or animosity in my heart, 
and I am going to continue to embrace the true person I am!
I am so grateful for the second life I have been given
and I will not live it as a fake or phony person.
(gee, I wanna grow my hair out)

I have such a rebellous sense of freedom these days, 
and I do not care of what others think of me 
as I do not live for them.
They may think what they like of me, 
and that is okay.
I have always liked to blow the minds 
of ignorant and biased fools
and give them something to gossip about anyway. 
It's Fun!
I have been told by some that I should try to act normal, 
or to act my age. To them I say... 
If your life is an act, then you are the one 
that needs to get it together!
(maybe you should grow Your hair out!)

Going through life and trying to 
portray yourself in a lifestyle or personality 
that is not your own must leave you feeling 
pretty worthless and guilty at the end of the day.
It is you that I feel sorry for, in not knowing the joy 
and contentment one feels when they 
are accepted and loved for who and what they truly are, 
and what they believe in, 
by people that share the same mindset.
(and not all of them have long hair)

I do not know when. Hell... Maybe not for years yet, 
but someday I will cut my hair "When I Want To"!
I will then be donating it to "Locks of Love".
(starting to go bald naturally anyway)

LOCKS OF LOVE is a charity that provides hairpieces 
to financially disadvantaged children 
under the age of eighteen with medical hair loss
from chemical or Radiation therapy
and Cancer treatments.

I once sat in a hospital waiting room 
with a group of children that were afflicted 
with these types of medical problems.
I remember all of the bald heads and baseball caps 
on both the boys and girls. 
I remember feeling like at that point in life... 
I Had No Problems when compared 
to these precious little ones.
All of the smiling little faces looking up at me,
yet they knew they were doomed. 
What Courage these little people had.
I was honored to be with them for 
that short period of time.
It really made me take a good look at my situation.
If I can provide a confident little smile to but one 
of these children by allowing them to 
feel good about themselves in their condition,
and with what time they might have left,
I will gladly shave my head with a reckless abandon,
then try to start another crop!

If you would like to do the same someday...
Here is some information for you.

"Locks of Love"
Mailing address: (for all donations)
2925 10th Ave. North, Ste. 102
Lake Worth, FL 33461 
phone (561) 963-1677 
fax (561) 963-9914 
TOLL FREE INFO 1-888-896-1588 
 

Visiting with two of my good friends!
(they have long hair too!)
 
 
 
 

Song playing is
"Everybody Hurts"
by
REM