JOKES & RIDDLES

Jokes:-

1. There were three men- a alcoholic, a miser and a homosexual. One day, they get to know themselves more and want to change for the better. So they went to a magician to cleanse themselves but the magician told them if they were to commit the offense again, something would happen to them.They agreed and soon they were cleansed.

A few days later, they went to a bar. The alcoholic who cannot stand the temptation of the wine, said," Just one sip, just one sip." When he took one sip, 'POOP!', he disappeared. The miser and the homo were scared and thought," We must be careful from now on".

They were walking on the street when the miser saw a 10 cent coin. He went to pick it up. This time, 'POOP!' 'POOP!'.

The following two jokes are from a friend called Jingjing,(Thanks for the jokes, Jingjing!!!):

2. There were a couple of old ladies sitting on the balcony enjoying the cool breeze and chatting. One of them said, "It's so boring here. Let's do something more interesting!!!" "What do you want to do?", the other lady asked. "Let's strip naked, walk around and try to catch the attention of those men down there!!" So that's was they did, walking around completely naked. One of the old man sitting on the lawn below, said, "do you see what I see!!" "Not really, my eye-sight is not really good these days!!", the other man replied. "Mine isn't that good either but whatever those women are wearing, it sure needs ironing!!"

3. Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra... which he does. - and now, Johnny, please take off my panties. When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

4. Usually, anyone who has a dog call him Rover, Joey, bouncer or some such name. Well, I have a dog and I call him "Sex".

Well, Sex is a very embarrasing name.

One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in an alley at 4 am in the morning. I said "I am looking for Sex".

My case comes up next Thursday.

One day, I went to Town Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him that I wanted a licence for Sex. The clerk said that he would like to have one as well. When I said "This is a dog".

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,"but you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 2 years old". He replied "you must have been a very strong boy".

When I decided to get married I told the Minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the ceremony. I said"Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole life revolves around Sex. The Minister said that he didn't want to hear about my personal life, and he would not marry us in his church. I told him that everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for sex. Then I said"But you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night". And the clerk said "Me too".

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your Honour, I had Sex before I was married". and the judge said "Me too". When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me. He said "Me too".

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been married, divorced, and had more damn trouble with that dog that I had ever gambled on. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she said to me,"What appears to be the trouble?" I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life, it's like loosing a friend and it's so lonely. The doctor looked at me and said, "Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend, so go and get yourself a dog".

The following joke is from Nex:

5. A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

Riddle:-

1. There were two dead bodies. Beside them were a puddle of water and broken glass pieces. If you were a detective, what do you think happened?

2. A dog was chasing a cock. When the cock reached the road, the cock did not look left or right and just rush across. When the dog reached the road, why is it that he look left and right before crossing?

For answers, please email to kongming@pacific.net.sg

Please give me some more days to get good jokes.