Cast: Ellie, Judy, Sly, Owner

Situation: Three strangers get locked in a downtown Toronto apartment that is for rent while each of them are checking it out. Ellie is an environmentalist who is crazy about animals; she is in her mid-twenties. Judy is a young woman (twenty to twenty five) who is a musician and Sly is a surfer who is also in his twenties.

Ellie: (opens door and walks in) Hello kingdom! (looks around) What's that you say? (walks to the door) The door will lock if you shut it because the lock is broken? So, if I shut the door, then I will be locked in? (pause) No problem! I won't close the door (laughs as she walks to the center of the room) I better test the floors (jumps up and down) It has to be strong enough to support my baby elephant and the mini-meetings of Green Peace. I wonder if Sam the Seal can fit in the bath tub. (begins to walk out) I hope it isn't pink because Sammy doesn't like pink. (walks out)

Judy: (walks in, carrying a flute, and a flute case) So this is it. This is the apartment. Why it look exactly like the one down the hall. Even the furniture is the same. These apartments are not that bad, for this price, but being a musician I need to save all of the money I can. Mommy and Daddy were right when they said it would be hard trying to make a living playing my flute. Oh well, at least things are starting to look up for me. (walks around) I wonder if the acoustics are any good in this apartment. The other one for rent had horrible acoustics, so maybe the music will sound better in here. (plays a scale) Not bad. The sound does carry, but that shouldn't matter. The Jones who live next door only live in Toronto for two months out of each year, and the other place is empty, so I should be fine. (plays a classical piece)

Ellie: What are you doing disturbing my environmental eco-palace with that classical garbage?

Judy: Let me guess, New Age music fan?

Ellie: For your information, my frog and I only like Michael Jackson.

Judy: Go figure. Wait a minute, your frog? Never mind. I don't want to know. (puts the flute away)

Ellie: What are you doing in my apartment anyway? You interrupted me picking off fungus that is growing in the bathtub.

Judy: Nobody has rented this apartment yet, so anyone who is interested in it can be here. Until you put money down, I can do whatever I want.

Ellie: None of that babble is going to change my mind. Get out of my apartment. You are trespassing and I will call the cops. Get out now!

Judy: (laughs) You will call the cops? You are pathetic! This apartment is not yours yet . You have to rent an apartment and pay money for it to be truly yours. Do you have all of the money on you right now?

Ellie: Well…..no….

Judy: Well, that changes everything doesn't it. This is open to the highest bidder. And don't try to scare me away with that fungus garbage.

Ellie: You know what you are? Your……your…..your….

Judy: I'm what?

Ellie: Your a polluter.

Judy: (sarcastically) Oh, it hurts. Why don't you just take a knife and drive it into my heart. Please stop! I can't take it.

Ellie: Why I……

Sly: (walks in the apartment, looks around) Whoa chicks, chill. Looks like the party is in here. (sits down on the couch)

Ellie: Get off my couch.

Sly: Make me.

Judy: Chicks? I am a lady, not a chicken living out on a dirty, smelly farm.

Sly: I guess I ruffled a few feathers. (walks to the door) Little drafty in here, don't you think? I don't wanta catch anything nasty. (slams door)

Ellie: Noooooooo!

Sly: What's the problem babe?

Ellie: Didn't you talk to the owner?

Sly: Yeah, the dude is taking a smoke break. He will be back in twenty minutes.

Ellie: Smoking is so bad for the environment, and himself. Doesn't he know that smoking can kill, and that second-hand smoke is just as dangerous as if they were smoking themselves. (Judy grabs her flute and walks to the door, she tries to open it) You should have stopped him. He has to be stopped……

Judy: The door is stuck.

Ellie: Oh, that's right, I forgot. The door is broken and if it shuts, the door automatically jams.

Sly: Bummer.

Judy: Did the owner tell you this?

Ellie: (laughing) What do you think?

Sly: What a way to spend the afternoon.

Judy: (bangs on the door) Help! Help! We're stuck in here. Somebody? Anybody?

Sly: I don't think anyone is up here.

Ellie: Yeah, we are on the twenty-ninth floor.

Judy: And the Jones have gone to Florida. This is just great. I have rehearsal in a ` hour. Maybe the phone will work. (walks over to the phone) No, it is dead. There has to be a way out of here.

Sly: Chill out. We are stuck here, so we better make the best of it and get to know each other. (sits down)

Ellie: That sounds like a good idea. I'll just have a seat on my couch.

Sly: Your couch. This isn't your apartment. I will be the one who will be renting it.

Judy: What's your name?

Ellie: I'm Ellie Bluefeather. I come from a wonderful town called Innerkip and I want to make this apartment a place where animals can live and enjoy living.

Judy: That's nice, but I was talking to this guy.

Sly: I'm Sly, and your negative vibes are totally un-cool.

Judy: Well Slime, if you have a functioning brain in that chauvinistic head of yours, then you will realize why I will not be a happy camper if I do not get to rehearsal on time.

Sly: I am sick of chicks like you who think they own the world. (starts to yell) It is people like you who like to put us guys down. You women always want something more. You want to work, you want independence, you want equal rights. Why can't you just sit back and let guys like me control everything for you? We can bring in a good pay check and then maybe you women will make a good meal for us to eat while we guys are watching football.

Judy: Excuse me? Have you been living under a rock all of your life. You have no right to treat women like that, making you a good dinner while you sit on your behind in front of the television. You are no better than me. I have a mind of my own. A mind that is capable of making my own choices and one that lets me think for myself. We both are human beings. We are both equal. And it is sexist pigs like you who try to demean us, bring us down. But you can not bring me or anyone else down because I am strong, not the weak female I'm sure you have an image of in your mind…..

Ellie: (gets up to separate them) Wait! Come sit on the couch and cool off. We don't need a fight. Just calm down. I don't want my frog to get injured. Now, what are you rehearsing for? Is it the Save the Roaches of Brazil Concert?

Judy: No. I am principal flautist in the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.

Ellie: How exciting.

Sly: So are any of you surfer babes?

Judy: What is with that outfit. It is April and it is cold outside. Don't tell me you surf in Toronto.

Sly: I don't go surfing in Toronto. Only idiots surf here. I go surfing at Pittdock (or insert local lake).

Ellie: Isn't that the lake that was announced biologically unsafe.

Sly: No way. (laughs) That stuff good for your skin.

Judy: I have to get out of here.

Sly: You know, this is an awesome apartment. Totally cool for a surfer dude like me who needs a cool place to bring the ladies. (walks to the door) The admission table will be here (walks to the opposite corner) Oh yeah, (laughs) the Jacuzzi here and wait (walks to the middle of the room) and the pool table here. Might be a tight fit, but it will be rocking. All of this oldie stuff has to go. I need room for a dance floor.

Judy: Please.

Sly: Let me guess, you have a better plan.

Judy: Much better than yours. Do you actually think that you can get all of that stuff in?

Sly: Yes.

Judy: When I rent the apartment, it will look beautiful. With white curtains over the windows (walks around), with blue and white furniture and my piano here in the corner.

Ellie: You both do not know how to plan a living space. I really like this apartment. I am the one who is going to rent it. I really think it is a great place. The only thing I would change would be the wall paper. Yes, that's right. That is what I'll do. Change it to a leopard print. My Mexican Jumping Beans would like that.

Sly: Your what?

Ellie: I have a Mexican Jumping Bean Ant Farm that will love this apartment.

Sly: There is no such thing.

Ellie: Yes there is.

Sly: No there isn't.

Ellie: Yes there is. I will bring them out. They are in the bathroom. (walks out)

Sly: She is one messed up chick. What luck I am having today. I am stuck in this place with a psycho and one negative person.

Ellie: (walking back in) Here they are. (trips over a chair and the jar breaks) Noooo!! (gets on the ground) Come back, come back my babies. Don't leave me. Don't run away. Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you!

Sly: (jumping up and down) This is fun.

Judy: (runs to the door, screaming) Let me out of here! Help!

Ellie: They're gone. My babies are gone. Where is froggy? I still have my frog Buddy. Where are you Buddy? (starts looking around)

Judy: Is anyone out there who can here me?

Sly:(gets up on a chair) Good. They are strong. Whoa! Cool ceiling. I could put my old surf boards up there.

Ellie: Buddy, Buddy (crawls around the apartment). Where are you Buddy?

(Sly jumps down and Ellie screams)

Sly: Oops.

Ellie: You killed Buddy.

Sly: It just a frog. Here, I will give him a funeral. (picks up the frog and throws it out the window)

Judy: No, don't.

Ellie: Buddy! I love you Buddy. I want to be with you. (runs to the window and jumps out)

Judy: No, Ellie, wait. (runs to the window)

Ellie: (jumps out and screams) Buddy!!!

(Sly and Judy run to the window)

Sly: Bummer. I didn't think she would take it this hard.

Judy: This is all your fault. (hits him) Wait look. She landed on the balcony below us. She is getting up. She's okay!

Sly: (yelling out the window) You rock.

Judy: (pushing him out of the way) Are you okay?

Ellie: Yes, I think so.

(door opens, the owner comes in)

Owner: I heard all of this yelling. Are you okay?

Judy: I am now. (grabs flute)

Owner: So who is going to rent this apartment?

Judy: After this, not I. (walks out)

Owner: Wasn't there another girl in here?

Sly: She doesn't matter. (pulls out a wad of bills) Shall we talk? I want to rent this apartment now before anyone takes it. Where do I sign. (walks out with owner)

Ellie: Hello? Hello? Where did everybody go? Hello….

Curtain

C. Clarke
March, 1997

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