As 2004 is almost at an end I'd been thinking over all I've been through during the year with my illness. I place this on my site so that others suffering from this know that they are not alone. It's depressing, but I'm still here and hope that that will give hope to others. I've made a big change in my lifestyle in 2004 in the hope that it will aid me in my fight against depression, and hope that that will encourage you to take whatever steps are neccessary to help yourself.
This just focusses on what it's been like for me this year and ignores my previous years of battling this. For me 2004 has been a year of ups and downs (99 percent down, unfortunately). As my co-morbid disorder is anxiety, I will touch on that too.
The first few months of 2004 were almost unbearable and then I started getting somewhere - I started seeing some reward for all the hard work I put into battling my condition. In April I could actually see light at the end of the tunnel and was making progress... I even had a couple of ok days, but it was downhill all the way after that. As you're a depressive you should understand that "ok days" for us aren't anything like a non-depressive would consider ok. I can remeber one of those days very clearly as it was an important day for personal reasons. My depression may have eased for a few hours but my anxiety levels were off the scale until I managed to get them under control which was no mean feat! Even then, my anxiety recurred thoughout the day, but with my depression giving me a few hours off I was able to manage it easier than usual. Naturally, oweing to the way my depression can't leave me alone for long I woke up the next morning feeling like absolute hell.
I stayed pretty much in depressive despair until October when I had something lift me up for a while. After that little respite it was downhill again, slowly but surely until the beginning of December 2004 when I had a bit of relief from it due to someone's kindness and thoughtfulness. I'm not sure they'll ever understand how much that helped me, but it did - just easing the tiniest amount of depression is more than welcome. Any of you reading this who have experience of what it feels like to have depression slowly pulling you under will know what I am talking about - to have someone do something nice for you when you least expect it is like having some of the weight lifted off your shoulders.
You do what you need to do to survive when you have depression. For me that has involved trying anything and everything:
The biggest change I've made to my life this year is that I've learnt to listen to my intuition more. I'd been in social withdrawal (very common with depressives - if you haven't experienced it already you probably will do at some point in the future) way before 2004 came around and decided that if that's what I felt like then that's what I needed to get better. Seeing as my anxiety still prevents me from going out much (though not as bad as it once was - medical stuff and important visits is about it) the only thing I needed to withdraw from has been the net.
At first it was difficult but after a while I got used to it and by about early August 2004 had managed to give it all up (except for working on this site of course!) - it has helped me feel a little better being away from the computer. The time I've spent online has been without much contact from others - working on my site when I'm well enough and a couple of messages to promote it and that's been it. I haven't completely deserted the net though - it's eased a lot of stress with Christmas - shopping online means no anxiety attacks which can only be a good thing (only problem is it isn't very popular with counsellors because it doesn't do much for their anxiety treatment if you're avoiding everything!). I think it's been beneficial though.
2004 has been a strange year for me. Sometimes I've thought I was making progress and then had it snatched away from me. I'm not sure which is worse - being down all the time or having some relief thrown in once in a while. My depression changes as it progresses, or as I find different ways of trying to combat it. I was used to being down all the time but things are now a little different - there have been a few odd days where I have actually been ok for a few hours, enough to think that I can pull myself out of this and that maybe one day things wil be ok. The only problem with these short periods of respite is that you've been teased with hope and then you're plunged back into an abyss of depression. In some ways it's more difficult than if you'd been completely depressed non-stop.
My anxiety is still dibilitating - even during those hours where my depression eases up the anxiety still holds firm, but I'm doing my best and I think I'm handling it a bit better now. Naturally it's eaier to handle when there's some respite from my depression, but not always. Sometimes I have my depression on it's own, sometimes anxiety on it's own, put them together and I have a completely horrible time.
This year has been like any other previous year in that I couldn't carry on without the wonderful support I receive from my family and those helping me. I know I would be in a much worse situation if these wonderful people weren't in my life - I would have given up completely.
Things are bad for me right now, but they've been this bad before (and worse) and I just have to try and hang in there until I see a bit of improvement. I am trying to recover from a particularly bad patch at the moment and am struggling to put weight on again. Anyone who thinks depression is just a psychological problem would be surprised at just how much it can affect you physically as coupled with anxiety it can really knock you about, but if you have them both you will already know that.
If your depression isn't as serious as this I hope that reading this will give you a reason to persevere with your counselling, medication or both. If your depression is worse than this you are not alone - I've been through it all and if my depression was still as bad as when I was diagnosed years ago I wouldn't be here today. Things improve - they have to - but it takes a lot of hard work, effort, reflection and courage. I truly feel like giving up at the moment but I know I've felt this way a million times before and have managed it. I'm learning how to cope with it, but the most important thing I've realised in 2004 is that coping with it isn't enough... I have to find a way to "undo" my depression.
You just have to find something to hold onto that makes life worth living... and if you can't find that then you have to find something to hold onto for just one day at a time - that's what I do. I wish you good luck with your own battle.
IMPORTANT NOTICE AND DISCLAIMER: This information is just that - information. This is not intended to be used instead of qualified medical advice. If you think you have moderate to serious depression you must seek medical advice from a qualified professional.
*
This is a section of the Steve Clark In Loving Memory Website. If you would like to learn
a little more about Steve, please visit the main contents page via the above link. Thank you for visiting.
All graphics and articles in the Mind Over Matter section are
copyright © the Steve Clark In Loving Memory website 2002 and beyond. Please leave them here. Thank you.