As a ritual, a Holy Union is a wedding of two persons (as in the expression, "We had our Holy Union on Valentine's Day.")

          As a state or quality of relationship of two persons, the words holy union are used to express the kind of quality their union or relationship has (as in the statement, "We entered into a holy union with each other before God and our friends and live together in a holy union blessed by God.")

          Holy Union can be distinguished from Holy Matrimony by the presence or absence of governmental laws and regulations. Governments require a license to enter into a marriage or Holy Matrimony. Governments make laws which give obligations and privileges to those who enter into Holy Matrimony. Governments require that a man and woman meet certain criteria for entering into Holy Matrimony.

          A Holy Union is a sacred ritual, a sacrament like Holy Baptism or Holy Communion, which does not involve any laws of the government. A Holy Union does not require a license, a registration or any other governmental intervention before the Holy Union; nor does it bring any obligations or privileges given by the government after the Holy Union.

          A Holy Union can be entered into by a man and woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman who desire to have a holy union. The priest who is requested to officiate at the ritual of Holy Union establishes the criteria and the counseling requirements which are to be met.

          We in the Order of St. Aelred prescribe certain criteria and pre-Holy Union counseling.

          Our first requirement is a demonstration of the stability and maturity of the relationship. The couple will be asked to meet with us in several sessions of one or more hours each to discuss their relationship and to determine the meaningfulness of the ritual. Discussions are also held to prepare and plan the ritual ceremony, which is tailored to the unique specifications of the couple. To the extent possible, the couple is entrusted with the obligation of "writing their own wedding."

          To make this possible and plausible, we require a sound understanding that the essence of a Holy Union is the explicit exchange of the vows or promises they uniquely want to make to one another and the enunciation of their covenant with each other.

          Of course, a Holy Union ought to be based on love which has a satisfying sexual component. The partners ought to have a healthy positive self-esteem as children of God, created by God with their given sexual orientation. They should be able to see themselves blessed by God in a relationship of love which reflects the Love of God, who is Love.

          A most beautiful theology of marriage was enunciated by the Catholic bishops of the world in the Second Vatican Council. Its beauty lies in its description of the intimate sexual intercourse of a husband and wife as a sacrament, a sacred act in which God is present. The shortcoming of that theology is the bishops' limitation of its application to a duly married husband and wife.

          In Holy Union counseling it is good for a couple in love to realize that God does not limit God's presence. The couple should know and experience God's presence in their loving embrace. God does not limit God's unconditional love and presence. Where love is, God is, the Bible tells us.

          If the couple happens to be a same-sex couple, they have societal taboos, religious teachings, and personal guilt feelings to break through before they can fully appreciate the theology of a "holy" union.

          They must accept without doubt God's unconditional love for them. They must believe that God made them and gave them the gift of their sexual orientation, and God expects them to seek their fulfillment and happiness in living and loving in their sexual orientation to the best of their ability.

          They must be fully convinced that interpretations of the Bible are false which claim God condemns their love. There is no teaching, no verse, no story in the Bible anywhere that condemns homosexual sexual orientation or gay and lesbian love or same-sex marriage. Any passage used for this purpose is wrongly interpreted and is not the meaning intended by the original writer or by the Holy Spirit.

          On the contrary, the Bible can be seen to be sex-positive with a healthy respect not only for the goodness of creation but also for the sexuality given to human beings by God.

          This can be seen, for example: (1) in the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon). This is a whole book of the Bible which sensuously describes the love and passion of a man and woman who are not married; (2) in the Book of Ruth, the love and commitment vows of Ruth and Naomi, a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law whose inseparable love is featured. The vows of these two women are so powerful in appeal that they are often read in man/woman marriage ceremonies; (3) in the Books of Samuel which describe the sensual love of the future King David and his beloved Jonathan, a love which is described by David as surpassing the love of woman; (4) in the Gospel of John which eight times speaks of the Beloved Disciple of Jesus.

          In the first four centuries of the Church and even in the eleventh century, Holy Union rituals were solemnized in the Church. Through the philosophical influence of St. Augustine and later St. Thomas Aquinas, they fell into theological disfavor because of the thinking of homophobic men.

          Same-sex couples of today who want to enter into a holy union must embrace the truth that the Gospel Good News indeed is for them. They are saved from every fear and degradation by the Lord Jesus Christ. His life of inclusive acceptance for all people, especially those rejected or degraded by society, is a living proof that gay and lesbian people have full claim to God's love as God's own children. They can see on every page of the Gospel that they are not condemned to loneliness or despair, but set free to live and love as God created them. A challenge of the gay or lesbian Christian is not to deny the gift of God, but to live it in full in a holy union.

          We always encourage people to remember what St. Paul said in the 8th Chapter of Romans (Verse 35), "Nothing can come between us in the love of God."

          Since Holy Union is a sacrament, the couple will not enter into it lightly, but prayerfully seeking God's blessing on their life in a holy union together. It can be seen as the initiation ceremony into a life where they nurture in each other a life in union with God. As they love, God is present. As they become more conscious of God's presence in their life, they are united in a oneness that links them each and conjointly with the divine, one in heart, and one in mind.

          The more they pray together, the more they encourage each other in worship, in witness (to God's unconditional love), and to good works, the more the reality of the holy union enriches their relationship and leads them to happiness. This is not a dream happiness, but a mature happiness which brings light in times of discord, and hope in moments of trial.

          A truly holy union is not a 30-minute blissful ceremony, but a lifetime of sharing and growing. It is a sharing of their strengths and growing closer to each other because they are growing closer to God together. A holy union is sharing and growing together.