Stimpy leans back and gazes wistfully out the barred window of the institute. "When I was young my father used to say, 'Suffering builds character'. At the time I was unaware my dad was a student of Nietzche. I just thought he was a weenie."
Seminal moments in Stimpy's career as a masochist:
1987-1991: Ironman Canada (Swim 2.4 miles, Bike 112 miles, Run 26.2 miles)
Here I am having fun on Richter Pass sometime in the 1980's. My ironman career was remarkable for its consistent mediocrity. I turned my back on this "short, wimpy stuff" for this:
The DoubleIron Triathlon (Swim 4.8 miles, Bike 224miles, Run 52.4 miles) Huntsville, Alabama.
1993
31 hours and 12 minutes 14th Place
I'm not posting a picture because I don't want to be reminded what it was like....
Ok, just one. Here I am at the finish swearing that I will never do this race again.
1994
25 hours and 28 minutes 11th place
Here I am crossing the finish line and yeah, I know they're ugly shorts.
Here I am in the medical trailer receiving yet another bag of IV fluid and swearing I will never do this race again.
A fellow self-flagellant's blood blister.
1995
22 hours and 44 minutes 1st place
This is the year I finally won the stupid thing.
Here I am having fun on the run.
Here I am in the medical area having another litre or two of fluid pumped back into my collapsing veins while giving an interview and swearing I'll never do this race again.
In retrospect, I know now why I won. On race day I carried a mere 131 lbs on my 6 foot skeleton. Attractive, isn't it? Six weeks later I had pneumonia.
1996
23 hours and 21 minutes 3rd place.
Swimming in the Tennessee River.
Here I am, slathered in SPF30, about to begin my epic pursuit of Rudi Claes of Antwerpen. I was soon to hit the wall (to paraphrase Dennis Miller) faster than "Mr.Magoo in a game of racquetball".
Fun on the bike.
More fun on the bike.
Running with my personal valet "Insurance Boy" at my side. Since there is a bit of colour in my face, I imagine that this is before I yacked my guts out into a flowerbed.
Insurance Boy and my post-race IV's. I'm out of the picture, swearing that I'll never do this race again.
Other Races
1996 The Friedrich Nietzche International Duathlon and World Ultra-Distance Duathlon Championship, Cedar Rapids Iowa (bike 155 miles and run 32 miles).
Second Place 12:24
No pictures, just lotsa rain and corn.
1996 Wineman
Drink a beer, run a mile, repeat 5 times and then drink one more brewski. I have absolutely no idea where I finished or how long it took me. I do, however, remember something about a bag pipist.
The playing/drinking of the national anthem.
1997
In July, 1997 Stimpy was in Lensahn, Germany to "race" in a triple ironman (swim 7.2 miles, bike 336 miles, run 78.6 miles). It was so much fun it deserves a page of its own!!! Visit the twisted world of the 6th Annual Lensahnner Ultra-Thingy.
Oh, yeah...before I forget, Stimpy went back to Ironman Canada a mere four weeks after the triple debacle for even more abuse. It didn't start to really hurt until about 19 miles into the run. Where's the fun in that? How did I do you ask? I'm telling you anyways: more "consistent mediocrity".
A keen observer will note:
1. I have access to a much better scanner.
2. I retained very little muscle mass (what little I have to begin with) between races.
3. Since the power of my lucky running hat deserted me in Germany I was forced to break in a new one.
4. There is no fourth point.
1998
We moved across the country. That was enough.
1999
We moved back across the country but just before that, in a rare moment of rational thought, I determined that, "Hey, maybe doing double and triple ironmen may be shortening my life expectancy." I was also a bit tired of feeling somewhat like a second class freak of nature because I had never been to the Hawaii Ironman. Knowing that I merely needed to be about 30-40 minutes faster in a qualifying ironman and simply not completing a triple 4 weeks before should be worth at least that many minutes, I set out for the inaugural Ironman USA in Lake Placid, NY. See the grisly collision of expectations and reality here.
2000
Finding the cold, cruel world of short distance racing not to my liking (and just a tad bitter about not going to Hawaii), there was only one thing to do: retire? Take up golf or bowling? No way!! How about another double!! Why the hell not???!!!. See "why the hell not" here.
New!I've added my training log. Marvel at my obsessive behavior. Be astonished by my blatant disregard for principles such as "rest" and "periodization". Notice my gratuitous use of bold fonts.Visit the confessional.
2001
Even Newer! I finally got around to adding some new pages....and having a decent race. In 2001, I went to Levis, Quebec for yet another double ironthingie and finished 3rd in 23 hours and 6 minutes. Not only was it my second best time but I also won $750, bringing my lifetime net winnings to a negative $20,000. See a jumble of pictures here.
Flush with success and an extra $750, I went to Montreal 7 weeks later for the Espirit Iron distance race and was promptly handed my head. Ow! What can I say, my "run" split was slower than my bike split. On a humorous note, the race photographer told me he had botched my finishing picture and asked if I wouldn't mind crossing the line again. I said this was fine on the condition that I didn't have to run across. We agreed that I could just stand and try to lift my arms See a jumble of pictures here.
2002
This was supposed to be my big year. The world Double Iron-thingey championship was in Quebec and I don't remember being so physically prepared for a race. I was off the bike in 5th place and moved into 4th place after 30k of the run. However, being well prepared physically can take a toll on the body....and my ankle swelled up like a balloon. I got it iced and taped enough to limp and hobbled for the next 54k. I managed a 27 and a half hour performance for 12th place. Ouch. Diagnosis: probable stress fracture. No pictures from this one.
2003
I went to Virginia for the Odyssey Double and broke my ankle again. The real kicker was dropping out when in the lead. Diagnosis: the same stress fracture. However, after no running for 8 weeks, lots of physio, and custom orthodics I'm starting to feel masochistic again.... See a jumble of pictures from Virginia here.
Please note: Stimpy is once again available for personal fitness consulting. My last client has recently regained consciousness and I am no longer the target of a rather nasty lawsuit.
