Lists

100 Zany Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order
49 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
Top 10 Unusual Things Done During an Interview
Things to do when you're stuck in traffic...
HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE
You Know You Live in a Smalltown if:
Ten things that would be different if Micro$oft started building cars
Top 50 Oxymorons

100 Zany Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the
order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the
lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a
Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic
and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisine's. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you
are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99;
please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've
got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza
Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends,
jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture
waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in
the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost"

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet
words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with
the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit
can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce
smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms,
please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again.
On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say
"Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!"
when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day)
wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are
rejected by the order taker...

100. ...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

49 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic
locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in
housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if
they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,
"Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this
until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they
bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to
the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave
me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do
you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs.
the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the
anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it
without saying a word.
46. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
47. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No,
no! It's those voices again!"
48. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
49. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food
court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a
little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

Top 10 Unusual Things Done During an Interview

10. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music
at the same time.

8. Candidate brought large dog to interview.

7. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

6. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a
hair piece.

5. Applicant said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate
logo tattooed on his forearm.

4. Candidate dozed off during interview.

3. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific
interview questions.

2. Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

1. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in
Mexico.

Things to do when you're stuck in traffic...
Author : A Clark

1. Honk your horn (old favourite)
2. Sing to the song on the radio
3. Sing to the song on the radio of the car beside you
4. Make up your own song to sing
5. Put on a Barry Manilow tape/CD/8-track (it is suggested that you try everything else on this
list before you try this one!)
6. Play the drums on the steering wheel along with the song
7. Lay the seat back down until it is horizontal and do sit-ups
8. Use your windscreen washer until it runs out of water
9. Get out of your car and jog in circles around it, occasionally pausing and leaning on the
surrounding cars to stretch your calf muscles
10. Get out of your car, shout "Taxi!" and then stand waiting for one.
11. Drive backwards and forwards in the space you have until your car runs out of petrol
12. Jump out of your car and shout "Everbody slow down! You're freaking me out!" (It's best to
look really upset for this one)
13. Get out of your car, walk to the car in front of you and ask the driver if you can join
them. Regardless of their response, get in the car and start talking about the most annoying
subject you can think of until they kick you out. Repeat this proces with every car in front
of yours. When you reach the car at the front of the line, kick the driver out and drive off
14. Ask the driver of each car if they want their windscreen washed for $5. If they do, reach in
and turn on their windscreen wipers
15. Start playing the theme from Mission Impossible and run between the cars, occasionally
diving to the ground and rolling underneath them. When the song ends, casually walk back to
your car and get in, acting as though it wasn't you
16. Sit on your head
17. If you have electric windows, wind the window up and down continuously, all the time
watching it as if it's possessed
18. If you have a CB radio, select an open channel and start speaking in martian
19. Climb onto the roof of your car and start reading the newspaper to the cars behind you. If
you don't have a newspaper, use your car's manual
20. Pretend you're Al Unser Jr racing at Indianapolis (include sound effects)
22. Pretend you're doing the traffic report from a helicopter
23. Pretend you are a helicopter
24. Write a suicide note, randomly pick a car, give the note to the driver and then lie in front
of their car
25. Snore
26. Pretend you're the commentator from your favourite sporting event from history
27. Sit calmly in your car and then act as if the car's been rear-ended (throw yourself about in
the car) and then abuse the guy behind you and complain about the damage
28. Practice your opera singing
29. Walk amongst the cars trying to make words starting with the letters on the number plates
30. If you have a mobile phone/car phone, find a vehicle with a phone number on it and dial
that number
31. Walk through the cars and laugh at anyone driving cars such as Volvos, Goggomobiles, etc
32. Rewire your car stereo system
33. Rewire the neighbouring car's stereo system
34. Turn on the airconditioning to cool down the radiator (connect a pipe from the vent and make
it blow on the radiator)
35. Get out of your car and run screaming from the giant alien spaceships that just began
blowing up the nearby buidings
36. Turn off your air conditioning (if you have it!) and find another car that has it and share
with the driver your theory of relativity
37. If you have a sunroof, shout "up periscope!" and stick your head through the sunroof, look
around, shout "down periscope!" and sit back down
38. Drink plenty of fluids and then run through the cars asking each driver "can I use your
toilet?"
39. Get out of your car, find a nearby phone booth, change into your superman costume and fly
off into the sky
40. Ask each driver if they would like some bacon & eggs while they wait. If they say "yes",
proceed to cook it on their engine block
41. Pick out a car, ask the driver if you can measure their steering wheel. Before they answer,
put your steering wheel lock in their steering wheel, lock it and say "Hey, it's the same
size as mine" and walk off
42. Try swapping adjacent cars' hubcaps over
43. Let the air out of the tyres of the car next to yours, breathing it in as it comes out. Then
try and blow it back up again
45. Headbutt the steering wheel, making sure the horn honks each time
46. Using any object that even closely resembles a microphone, start interviewing the other
drivers about an imaginary crime
47. Pretend you're filming the new Lethal Weapon movie (it helps to have your own Uzi)
49. Rotate your tyres so they get even wear
50. Flick peas in to your neighbour's car by rolling them from the sunroof down the windscreen
on to your windscreen wipers. Use both wipers for multifire
51. Flick your headlights on & off indicating you wish to overtake the car in front
52. Get everyone to floor the accelerator while in neutral and give a prize to the person whose
engine lasts longest
53. Pretend you're driving a monster truck and attempt to drive over all the cars in front of
you
54. Hitch a ride with a passing snail
55. See how many other cars your keys will unlock/start
56. Swap number plates with the car in front
57. If there is a limo nearby, do a blowfish on one of the windows
58. If there is a limo nearby, ask them if you can watch TV with them. If they decline, refer to
the previous item and then bend their TV antenna
59. Find a car with an identification ball on the aerial (the one's the owners use to find their
car) and take it off and put it on an identical car
60. Pick a fight with another driver, when he gets out of his car, lock the door, close it and
run
61. Approach the driver of a sedan, ask them to open their boot. When they do, mumble something
about not paying for the drive-ins and jump in their boot and close it
62. Find some people having a domestic argument, watch them until they are finished, applaud,
tell them how enjoyable watching them was and then go back to your car and try to re-enact
it

HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to
bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Juno and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on
a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the
overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet
access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral
screen names and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html"
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.

You Know You Live in a Smalltown if:

* You drive into the ditch 5 miles out of town, and the word gets back into town before you do.

* You are run off the street by a combine.

* You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

* You don't use a turn signal because everyone knows where you are going.

* You have to lock your car door when in town in the summer, or someone will leave you a sack
of homegrown vegetables.

* The neighbor kids play in your yard more than your own kids do.

* You can't walk for exercise because everyone offers you a ride.

* It takes you twice as long for a trip to the post office because of the time it takes you to
visit with your friends.

* You know every dog in town by name.

Ten things that would be different if Micro$oft started building cars:

1. A particular model car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some
strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in a car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT.
But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and 5 times
as fast--but it would only run on 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced with a single
"General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely
that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The US Government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them
10. New seats would force everyone to be the same size.

Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron

1. Micro$oft Works

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