Quotes

Not Necessarily Lying
Course Evaluations
An argument against public education.
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
quotes from 11 year old's science exams
Kids do say the darndest things.
The Past Imperfect
Why Sports Scholarship Is An Oxymoron

Not Necessarily Lying

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank
Scandal.

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his
campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes
closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a
Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping
on the job.

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and
two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private
interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I
was doing spying."
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview
after he was returned to the US.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
President Richard Nixon

Course Evaluations
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was purportedly taken from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide, Fall,

The Best and Worst Comments Received:

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."

"This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on faith."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to
go, but you can never understand him."

"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was
doing--It's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and
creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the
tree."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking and it really loosened
him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all directions--no way to stop
it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while
doing the problem sets"

"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper.'"

"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."

An argument against public education.

This is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through
college.

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.
2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis,
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother’s son?"
3) Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread
made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The
Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never
stayed in one place for very long.
10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered
him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus."
11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
14) In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was
Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son’s head.
16) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the
Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
17) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year
1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo
and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next
great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
19) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who
discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20) Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress.
21) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also,
the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
22) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
23) Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under
the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
24) Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and
he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth’s career.
25) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity
and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. Bach
died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took
long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
28) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.
Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn’t have any children.
29) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the
sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her
reign.
30) The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. The invention of
the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things
their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

•The future of "I give" is "I take."
•The parts of speech are lungs and air.
•The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
•Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water.
•A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
•The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
•A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
•Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
•The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
•We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a
larger worm and gives more silk.
•One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
•One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
•To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
•The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
•The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
•The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the
bottom.
•Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
•The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
•In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
•Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
•In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
•A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

The following are all quotes from 11 year old's science exams:

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The
brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable
cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben
taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight
cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because
there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but
that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put
the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Kids do say the darndest things. Here are a few more insights from the Kool-Aid generation on
the ways of love and relationships:

Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them."
(David, 8)

Confidential Opinions About Love:

"I am in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV."
(Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it
since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I am not rushing into being in love. I am finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover:

"One of you should know how to write a cheque. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is
still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it is something she likes to eat. French
fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)

How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That is how you tell if he is in love."
(John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more
about the food."
(Brad, 8)
"It is love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those
because it is just like their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)

The Past Imperfect -Time magazine
Accurately predicting the future is not an easy thing to do, as anyone who tries it quickly
learns. History is filled with bold forecasts that didn't quite pan out. Herewith a few
examples gleaned from collections on the World Wide Web:

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
-WESTERN UNION internal memo, 1876

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
-LORD KELVIN, president, Royal Society, 1895

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-CHARLES H. DUELL, commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
-MARSHAL FERDINAND FOCH, professor of strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have
something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
-NEW YORK TIMES editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work, 1921

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to
nobody in particular?"
-DAVID SARNOFF'S ASSOCIATES, in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the
1920s

"Who the h___ wants to hear actors talk?"
-HARRY M. WARNER, Warner Bros.,1927

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-THOMAS WATSON, chairman of IBM, 1943

"There is no reason for any individuals to have a computer in their home."
-KEN OLSEN, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Why Sports Scholarship Is An Oxymoron

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
· Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can find my clothes."
· Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself
above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
· Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me,
measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
· Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic
requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop
bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
· George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not
Princeton."
· Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
· Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
· Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
· Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

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