More Quotes!
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't
got the guts to bite people themselves." - August Strindberg
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
-George Carlin
"Do only what is expected of me
With no emotions my feelings suppressed
Blind obedience carriesme through all
Conscience a word i learned to forget."
-Slayer, 'Behind the Crooked Cross'
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
"All generalizations are bad."-R. H. Grenier
"When you play, play hard. When you work, make up a ridiculous song to pass the time. For example: 'The deaf gnome can't hear a thing, but that don't mean he can't sing! Lalalalalala.'"
"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?" -Homer Simpson
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.." -Bill Hicks
"Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join."-Groucho Marx
"We all have fallen short, that's no surprise
But why must we refuse to open up our eyes"
-MxPx 'Late Last Night'
"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."
"Decaffienated coffee is the devil's blend."
"Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?" -George Carlin
While those who rely and depend on you, they wilt because you don't accept we need each other" -Bad Religion 'Sowing the Seeds of Utopia'
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."
"Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours in time -Groucho Marx
"Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?" -George Carlin
"I don't flirt… I'm just friendly"
"A boring life in a boring town
With the same old crowd
And i used to say that i'd never stay
But i'm rotting here today"
-Less Than Jake 'History of a Boring Town'
"If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?" -George Carlin
"I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
Louis: That's the famous Marquis du Hickey, legendary lover--makes Casanova look like a school boy. He's a trisexual.
Lucian: Trisexual?
Louis: Yeah, he'll try anything, mud, chickens, anything.
-Cheech and Chong
"I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life...Procrastinating and rationalizing." -Calvin&Hobbes
"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." -Groucho Marx
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups" -George Carlin
"I fart in your general direction." -Monty Python
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose."
"There's people out there who say i'm no good
cause i dont believe the things that i should
and when the final conflict comes, i'll be so sorry i did wrong
and hope and pray that our lord god will think i'm good."
-Bad Religion 'Fuck Armageddon...This is Hell'
"I think-therefore I'm single."
"Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!" -Calvin&Hobbes
"My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt." -Groucho Marx
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live" -George Carlin
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
"Kill your television."
"Well color me happy! theres a sofa for two in here!" -Pretty Woman
"Do your feet hurt? Did you fall from heaven?
Because you've been running through my mind all day
My mind don't mind"
-MxPx 'Do Your Feet Hurt'
"I realize your green-screen mentality
And i know it is shared by many more
I know it is quite impossible
But i am damned to find a way
To revolve the other way"
-Bad Religion, 'Get Off'
"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did." -Groucho Marx
"If i'm not happy, nobody's happy."
Mr. Salt: "What is this, Wonka, some kind of fun house?"
Willy Wonka: "Why, having fun?"
-Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
"The surest way to establish credit is to rob banks. Lots and lots of banks."
"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless." -Calvin&Hobbes
"Whatever it is I'm against it." -Groucho Marx
"Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?" -George Carlin
"I always thought of music as more than words and sound,
Something more like inspiration that picks you off the ground,
When you're down....
And i know that music will pull me through."
-Less Than Jake 'Soundcheck'
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know" -Groucho Marx
"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
"Okay, I take it back! Unscrew you!"
"You might have the temporary, superficial happiness
that you buy with money you dont have"
-MxPx 'Circumstance'
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste
You would gladly waste it just to save face" -Op. Ivy "Smiling"
"All reports are in....life is officially unfair."
"There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead."
"Believe me, if you weren't a woman, I'd kiss you for that" -The Evil Fuckaire, Cheech & Chong
"There's too much blood in my caffiene system"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!" -Groucho Marx
"The suspense is terrible . . . I hope it'll last."
-Willy Wonka, 'Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory'
"Yippie kye-yi-yay mother fucker!" -Bruce Willis 'Die Hard'
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, but i'd walk even farther for that great thing you do with your tongue!"
Mr. Salt: "Butterscotch, buttergin? Got something going on inside of here?"
Willy Wonka: "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."
-Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
"People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce." -Emo Phillips
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -Douglas Adams
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." -George Carlin
"Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -Stephen Leacock
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."-Bobcat Goldthwait
Wayne: "Say, I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?"
Garth: "Yeah, I definitely smell a pork product of some type."
-Waynes World
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." -Steve Bluestone
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." -Pearl Williams
" 'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy."
"Java Java Java!!!!!"
"And in the end the good will go to heaven up above
the bad will perish in the depths of hell
how can hell be any worse when life alone is such a curse?
fuck armageddon, this is hell"
-Bad Religion 'Fuck Armageddon...This is Hell'
"Doing nothing for others is fun."
"Lft up your head and walk away,
knowing we're all in this together,
for such a short time anyway.
There is just no time to parade around sulking,
i would rather laugh than cry"
-Bad Religion 'Slumber'
"We fucked ourselves again" -Less Than Jake 'Fucked'
"Damn you, life! Why aren't you perfect?!"
"The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life." -Calvin&Hobbes
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
"I always looked up to the ones who walked away,
Choosing themselves over preset ways"
-Operation Ivy 'Junkies Running Dry'
Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." -Clark Gable, 'Gone with the Wind' (1939)
"Don't piss me off-I'm running out of places to hide the bodies"
"Buzzbomb buzzbomb
Macho-mobile
The road's my slave
That's how I feel
I cruise alone I cruise real far
I don't love you I love my car"
-Dead Kennedys 'Buzzbomb'
"YOU!....Off my planet!"
"A hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark Card, when you care enough to send the very best." -Kenickie, 'Grease'
"If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again." -Calvin&Hobbes
"If I throw a stick will you leave?"
"If i'm gonna die- will you wipe away my tears
if i'm gonna die- please take away my fears
before i drown in sorrow- last thing i'll say
how will i laugh tomorrow- if i can't even smile today?"
-Suicidal Tendencies 'How Will I Laugh Tomorrow'
"Why am i in love with a girl who treats me oh so badly?
Why am i in love with a girl who makes me feel so sadly?"
-MxPx 'Never Learn'
"Oh, bloody hell."
"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows 'til you came home."
-Groucho Marx, 'Duck Soup' (1933)
"There's people in the world today
who say theyre jewish, christian and such
theyre all ignorant fools
they'll tell you, you cant have your own way
unless you pay money and dedicate your life,
or you'll be damned in hell."
-Suicidal Tendencies 'Faith In God'
"See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil"
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains.I think if you've got a T-shirt with blood all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem."-Jerry Seinfeld
"But is look as though faith alone wont sustain us anymore."
-Bad Religion 'Faith Alone'
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy." -Emo Phillips
"You have to be a special kind of stupid to do that."
"Feel the wrath of the super rad, super rad, super rad!!"
-The Aquabats 'Super Rad'
"All I want to know is who the man is that looked at a cow and said "I think I drink from whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them."
-Calvin and Hobbes
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" -Jake Johansen
"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?" -Janeane Garofalo
"Just because you're stupid doesn't mean I'm lying"
"Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?" -Dick Cavett, {mocking the TV-violence debate}
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." -Batman Costume warning label
"If you tie your shoelace, the only way to tie it again is to untie it."
-My shoes
"Idiocy is the essence of the male mind." -Calvin&Hobbes
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." -Groucho Marx
"Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."
"Now I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!"
-Homer Simpson
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You'. After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
-Jack Handey
"TV invents a disease
You think you have
So you buy our drugs
And soon you depend on them"
-Dead Kennedys 'Trust Your Mechanic'
"99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1% walk around in total amazement."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." -Jeff Stilson
"If only we were weiner dogs, all our problems would be over" -The Brave Little Toaster
"My education was interupted between the ages of 6 and 17 while I attended school."
"I'd kill myself for you
I'd kill you for myself"
-Pantera 'This Love'
"Here's to you, Here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be, but if by chance we disagree, fuck you and here's to me."
-Popular toast
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner
"Aren't we a ray of sunshine?"
"i might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; If i can remember any of the damn things."
-Dorothy Parker
"This isn't school. It's HELL with flourescent lighting"
"I'm going for a walk
and theres nothing you can do
'cause i dont have to
live like you"
-Bad Relgion 'A Walk'
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -Jon Stewart
"Little Sammy was a punk rocker, you know his mother could never understand him" -Rancid 'the Wars End'
"You don't ever have to be lonely
Just as long as you're here by my side" -The Ramones, 'A Real Cool Time'
"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
"Sects, sects, sects... Is that all you monks think about?"
"It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible."
"Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!"
"I don't suffer from insanity....I enjoy every minute of it."
Mrs. Gloop: "Don't just stand there! Do something!"
Willy Wonka: "Help. Police. Murder."
-Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
"These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make."-Steve Martin
"Thanks to modern chemistry, sleep is now optional."
-Coffee shop wall
"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy,and socially dead."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House physician."
"I've found Him -- I have Jesus in my trunk!"
-Bumper Sticker
"The price is wrong, bitch!"-Happy Gilmore
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's such unfamiliar territory."
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet".
-Robin Williams
"Imagine being able to be magically whisked away to . . . Delaware. "Hi, I'm in Delaware." -Wayne, 'Waynes World'
"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it; laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it was probably deserved."
"If most people said what's on their minds, they'd be speechless."
"And if you ever went away from me
i would cry
I would fall down one knee
And I would pray
Yes, I would pray that you
Would come back to me some daaa-aaay"
-the Aquabats 'Red Sweater'
"haha...it such a shame you cant see what finger i'm holding up" -Phoebe, 'Friends'
"In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.
"The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them"
"Ban Guns: Make the streets safe for a government takeover"
"You can't make foot prints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?"
"I wouldn't reccommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."
"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9."
"I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!" -Homer Simpson
"How many Scots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20. One to hold the light bulb and the rest to get drunk enough to make the room spin.
"Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere."
"Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!"
"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. "
"Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!"
"Hey Blenderhead, they're starting to ask questions
Your transgressions are a danger flashing sign
Challenge conventions and radiate your splendor
And feel the fly-wheels churn your blenderhead."
-Bad Religion, 'Blenderhead'
"Dole for Pineapple, Not for President"
"Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?"
"Your lucky number is 36274928. Watch for it everywhere"
Hobbes: "Do you think there's a God?"
Calvin: "Well, somebody's out to get me."
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child... if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." -W.C. Fields
"This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit!" -Homer Simpson
"A hard man is good to find." -Mae West
"Search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to. I'll start with radio shack." -Lisa Simpson
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" -Groucho Marx
"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." -Woody Allen
"Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese." -Homer Simpson
"Valentine's Day is a cruel, evil holiday which exists solely to pour lemon juice on the paper-cut hearts of the unattached."
"Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness."
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."
-Robin Hood
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check."
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
"It's a very fine line that separates first class from half assed."
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
"All my life I wanted to be someone;I guess I should of been more specific".
"Never argue with an idiot. He'll bring you down to his level, then beat you with experience."
"What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?"
"Life is like a roll of toilet paper, sometimes long, sometimes short, but always useful."
"I don't think Mr. Ranger is gonna like this, Yogi." -BooBoo Bear
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas Adams
"Those are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others."
-groucho marx
"The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!" -Homer Simpson
"I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." -Mae West
"Children should neither be seen nor heard from...ever again."
-W.C. Fields
"It makes me so mad
Because i want to be happy so bad"
-Lit, 'Happy'
"Grandiloquent in attitude
Impassioned yet inept
Frivolous gavel our design
Ludicrous our threat"
-Bad Religion, 'The Positive Aspect of Negative Thinking"
"I like a man who grins when he fights." -Winston Churchill
"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." -Groucho Marx
"To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -Woody Allen
"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run." -Mark Twain
"Religion is just synthetic frippery, unnecessary in our expanding global culture efficiency."
-Bad Religion, 'God Song'
"A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
""Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs." -Pearl Strachan
"People are stupid, a person is smart, but people are stupid." -MM
"how to say "i need caffiene to survive" in various languages:
german-"ich benötige caffiene zu überleben."
french-"j'ai besoin de caffiene pour survivre. "
italian-"ho bisogno del caffiene di sopravvivere"
portuguese-"eu necessito o caffiene sobreviver."
"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it." -Ogden Nash
"The other night, I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the FUCK is my roof?!?"
"The Flat-Earth Society is meeting here today
Singing their happy little lies."
-Bad Religion, 'Flat Earth Society'
"Die populären Leute sind die wirklichen Verlierer" -a good quote in german
"I'll believe in God when 1 and 1 is 5" -Bad Religion
"Ou society, and this world in general, has been pulled into a "mental slavery". We have been force fed to believe that we all have to be alike."
"Fuck the world, for all its worth, every inch of Planet Earth, fuck myself, don't leave me out, but don't get involved, don't corner me" -Philip Anselmo, Pantera
"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?" - The Joker, from Batman
"I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are." -Homer Simpson
"If you see the wrongs, they call you a threat. If you question the powers, you're made to sound like a terrorist."
"Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!" -Homer Simpson
"No one could tell me what to do
No one had the cpacity to answer me."
-Bad Religion, 'Faith Alone'
"Nowadays everybody wanna talk
Like they got something to say
But nothing come out when they move their lips
Just a bunch of gibberish."
-Eminem with Dr.Dre, 'Forgot About Dre'
"los pingüinos gobernarán algún día el mundo." -for you spanish speakers out there.
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