Ok People, i visited the website of this dude Eric Collins, practically died laughing and had to use his stuff for my website. Now listen here, i got his permission to use this material, and it is all ©2000 Little Lithuanian Publishing. So if i catch any of you people ganking (stealing) his shit... you'll find yourself mangled, mutilated, disfigured and thoroughly unhappy, laying in a puddle of your own putrid bodily fluids. ok. you have been warned.
on the subject of Snow White & the Seven Dwarves...
"But they were all drug addicts anyway. Their names give it away. Bashful was obviously an alcoholic; withdrawal from family and friends is one of the signs. Sneezy was a habitual cocaine user. Sleepy? Well, anyone who can fall asleep standing up is obviously strung out on heroin. Happy was obviously dabbling in a little Ecstasy. Doc was called so because he was the pharmacist; he was their dealer. Dopey? Duh! You don’t have to be the leader of a Colombian drug cartel to figure that one out. That little midget was the biggest crackhead I’ve ever seen. But Grumpy was different. He got a bad rap. He was the only one trying to clean himself up. That’s why he was grumpy all the time. He was right in the middle of withdrawal. But you never hear about any of that stuff. "
How he hates Five-Man Singing Groups...
"There has got to be something done about these stupid, over-sensitive, pretty boys who sing only about love; as if someone really gave a shit about it. And they all sing in a higher pitch than most women talk. Even their names are stupid. NSync, Backstreet Boys (This one sounds a little suggestive), New Kids on the Block, and the most suggestive of the whole bunch, Boyzone. What the fuck is that ?! Do these guys actually expect us to believe that they’re heterosexual with a name like Boyzone? Give me a fucking break! I’m waiting for Tippy and the Butt Pirates to make their American debut. Or how about Gender Neutral releasing their first album? Plus, they all try to look so tough with their wind-blown hairdos and carefully trimmed goatees. Listen here, Skip. You sing like Mickey Mouse on helium. All you sing about is touching and caressing a girl, and "being there". And you and your four buddies all dress in the same purple suits with matching fedoras. Trust me. You don’t look like too much of a goddamned threat to anyone. So go sit in the path of a speeding fucking train."
Various Tidbits...
"If a man scalds himself while preparing a sirloin, does that mean that he was burned at the steak?"
"An axe murderer was convicted and sentenced, last week, to life in prison without parole. The axe’s family is reported to be quite relieved."
"To this day, I still cannot find a practical use for my pinky toes"
"The prefix -en means "To put in; put on; to cause to be". Knowing this, why would anyone use Endust to polish and clean their wood?"
"What does a blind dog use to get around?"
"Whenever I’m feeling down and I need a good laugh, I just crack open a Bible and start reading."
"I like to leave my refrigerator door slightly open so my food can see what it’s doing."
"
Hank and Larry were arrested for kidnapping. During their trial, it was revealed that Hank was the main conspirator, organizer, and executor of the entire plot. Larry was simply a stooge who only did what Hank told him to. In fact, Larry relied on Hank for everything. Would that make Larry a codependent codefendant?"
"The key to a happy marriage is this: Every morning, when you wake up, look at your wife and say, "I’m sorry for anything that I might do today."
"
I bought a king-sized candy bar the other day and thought about how big it was to be a candy bar, but how small it was to be a king."
"Has anyone ever told you that he or she would be "back in a few"? This is a little vague, isn’t it? What do they mean? Back in a few what? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? What? I like to tell someone that I’ll be back in a few, then I come back three weeks later."
"Who are all these morons walking around on the beach with metal detectors? What the hell are they looking for? Blackbeard’s lost treasure? Remains from the city of Atlantis? I asked one of these idiots what he was looking for. You know what he told me? Spare change. That’s it? Spare change? That’s why you spent all that money on a goddamned metal detector? For the love of Loki, man. If you would just go and sell the stupid metal detector, you’d get enough money to make up for six years of combing the beach for "spare change". That way you’d have enough money to stay home on Saturdays and abuse your children while you drink yourself into a fucking coma. Stupid!"
"If you call a gay man a cocksucker, is that an insult?"
"How come it’s generally okay to cop a feel, but it’s never okay to feel a cop?"
"I recently watched a commercial for a medicine that provided 'non-drowsy relief'. However, one of its most common side effects was drowsiness. Okay."
"In baseball there are two leagues, the National League and the American League. So which nation does the National League represent? America. But that’s the American League. I’m confused."
"How come you get in a car, but you get on a bus? And how come you get in a helicopter, but you get on a plane?"
"When a white man shows hatred towards a black man because of his race, it’s called racism. When a black man shows hatred towards a white man because of his race it is not called reverse racism. It is simply racism, you ignorant pricks. Adding an extra word does not always describe something more definitively. But if you must add a word to racism to describe a black man hating a white man, I’ve got the perfect one for you: justified."
"a know how the bottled water and beer commercials like to brag about their 'sparkling mountain spring' water? Well, what they always fail to mention is that the very same "sparkling mountain spring" is also full of bobcat, deer, wolf, and bear piss. Think about that the next time you’re chuggin’ down an Evian."
"According to some people who have died, gone to Heaven, and come back to life, Heaven is a place where everything is perfect. And everything that one can do will be perfect. For example, if you fish in Heaven, then you will always catch the biggest fish—and lots of them. If you fart in Heaven, then it will be the loudest, wettest, and smelliest fart ever. My question is this. If everyone in Heaven is a winner, what happens when two teams play baseball?"
"The one thing that you could not say about a broken vacuum cleaner is that it sucks."
"There are no such things as self-help books or tapes. They are help books and help tapes. Self-help would be to help yourself without the use of any outside sources. Using a book or tape is considered using an outside source."
"Why is it that, whenever you see a sign outside of a strip joint, it always says 'Live Girls'? This should go without saying. I mean, what’s the alternative? A bunch of dead chicks lying all over the bar? I think that you’d have to have a pretty specific fetish in order to enjoy yourself in a place like that."
"Have your ever been lying in bed at night with your eyes closed for a long time; and then you open them and there’s a bunch of white and black flashes? That’s bizarre. I wonder how they do that."
I have a memorial hospital near my house. This disturbs me. Somehow, I just can’t get filled with optimism and faith for a hospital that makes its name by remembering the dead."
"I often wonder how the scholars and philosophers of past centuries would feel if they knew that their hard-thought insights and opinions were now used to fill space on coffee mugs, greeting cards, and quote-of-the-day calendars."
"Because of reading this sentence, you have now lost four seconds of your life that you’ll never get back."
"Patience is the virtue of the unmotivated."
"The next time you go to brush your teeth, just remember that your toothpaste has seaweed, chalk, bleach, formaldehyde, and all sorts of other neat stuff in it."
"If you record a bunch of static on your television, then play it back and pause it, the static doesn’t stop moving. Isn’t that weird?"
"Just think of how cool the human head would look without ears."
"I ate a York Peppermint Patty this morning. But I didn’t feel like I was racing along the side of a mountain on a pair of skis. I didn’t get the sensation of snowboarding down the slopes, either. I did, however, get a slight chill that made my scrotum tighten up. It kind of frightened me, and made me nervous. So I had a Mello Yello and calmed right down."
"Sometimes I buy Cool Whip and eat it straight out of the container." (there's nothing wrong with that! i buy chocolate syrup and drink it straight from the bottle-katie)
'In football, why does the quarterback get all of the attention? It seems to me that the halfback would be twice as important as the quarterback would. And the fullback would be four times the man that the cocksucking quarterback is."
"Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor hail, nor dead of night will keep the United States Postal Workers from their appointed rounds. However, any major or minor holiday, observance, celebration, special occasion or event, and you ain’t getting no fucking mail."
"Useless Tidbit of Information: There is pumpernickel, but there is no pumperpenny, pumperdime, pumpergold, or pumpersilver."
"Don’t you love it when you see someone try to push on a door that you have to pull open, and vice versa? One time I saw a kid who must have thought that the door was automatic because he didn’t even put his hand out to push it. He just ran face first into the door.
I couldn’t stop laughing. I was having abdominal cramps. That’s how hard I was laughing. But don’t think that I’m completely heartless or without pity. After I wiped the tears from my eyes, I helped the little bastard get to his feet again. Then I gathered up all his teeth and gave him a little pat on the ass to start him back on his way."
"
It is physically impossible to give yourself a really good back massage."
"
Tupac Shakur is the Elvis Presley of rap. Not because he’s “The King” of rap, but because most of his fans think he’s still alive. "
"If you’re riding in a train, and a plane crashes into it and kills everyone aboard, would you say that you died in a plane crash or a train wreck?"
"While walking along the beach, a Rhode Island girl found a paper bag containing about ten thousand dollars. After she quickly turned it in to police, it was discovered that the money was stolen from a Providence bank earlier that week. The girl received one hundred dollars for her good deed, and is known throughout her hometown as the most honest girl in Rhode Island. Or, as her friends call her, the dumbest bitch that ever lived."
"God only worked for six days. He’s been unemployed ever since. "
"On the day I was born, I started getting old. And I won’t stop until I’m dead."
"Have you ever picked up the phone to make a call, but heard no dial tone? So you say hello and discover that someone had called right as you picked up the receiver; before it had a chance to ring? But, just for a split fraction of a second, didn’t you think that you were losing your fucking mind?"
"There are only 365 days in a year. There are about six billion people on the planet. That means that approximately 16,500,000 people were born on the same day as you. Doesn’t feel quite as significant now, does it? "
"Bandanna is banana with a d and an extra n. Bandannas are for guerrillas, and bananas are for gorillas."
"I have had it up to here (I’m making an imaginary line above my head now) with people who use the idiotic phrase 'make it' to describe someone not dying.
'She’s been in a coma for six weeks. We don’t know is she’s going to make it.'
What the hell is she making? Is she gonna come out of the coma with a cross-stitching of Bergess Meredith? Is there any possibility of her waking up with a fucking bird feeder? No! She’s not going to make anything. The word is live. We don’t know if she’s going to live. Stop creating euphemisms for perfectly honest words that describe perfectly natural occurrences."
"
Another reason I feel bad for gay men: If a gay criminal told you that he was going to go straight, he’d have to be very specific. "
"My dreams never get good until it’s time to get up. "
"I am absolutely convinced that there could not be an afterlife for cockroaches. Instead of going toward the light, they would just scatter away from it."
"Hindsight: The point of view of someone who has his head up his ass. "
"We have blueberries and blackberries, but you never see any lavender-, green-, orange-, mulberry-, peach-, silver-, maroon-, grey-, sunglow-, goldenrod-, tan-, shamrock-, orchid-, sienna-, magenta-, mahogany-, brown-, periwinkle-, thistle-, teal-, lilac-, wisteria-, sepia-, apricot-, copper-, salmon-, cerulean-, cerise-, razzmatazz-, fuchsia-, cornflower-, aquamarine-, lime-, turquoise-, mauve-, violet-, yellow-, white-, or pinkberries. Just thought I’d point that out."
"Here’s something strange. Except and expect are spelled exactly the same, with one difference. The P and C are switched. The strange part is that to change except to a noun, you simply add -ion. Exception. However, if you want to change expect to a noun, then you have to add -ation. Expectation. Isn’t that strange?"
"
Because Jesus died on a cross, the international symbol for Christianity is a cross. If he died by a firing squad, do you think that the international symbol for Christianity would be a bull’s eye?"
"Here’s another thing that I’m disgusted with: People who say that they wish for their ex-lovers to be happy. You know the ones I’m talking about. Some chick hears that her ex-boyfriend is dating someone new, and she says, "I want him to be happy. I wish him the best." Guys do it too. This is complete bullshit. You know that deep inside you want any and all of your ex-lovers to be miserable. Admit it. For example, I have two ex-girlfriends, in particular. One is now a crackhead who prostitutes herself to support her habit, and the other is a cocaine addict who has lost all of her friends because of it. Neither one of them was like this when I was with them. But now their lives are completely fucked, and I couldn’t be any more content. If only I could tell them, "HA! Life with me wasn’t so bad in comparison, was it? I’ll bet you now wish that you hadn’t taken out that restraining order. Huh?" If only I could."
"I would never want to be single-handedly responsible for global genocide. I’d have no one to brag to about it."
"I wonder if a hardcore anarchist would go ballistic on a sales clerk for telling him to have a nice day.
Clerk: Thank you for shopping at The Pink Beaver, sir. Have a nice day.
Anarchist: What? Have a nice day? FUCK YOU!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I WON’T BE OPPRESSED!! FUCK YOU!!"
"
I have woken up over 8,500 times, and I’m still not very good at it."
"
Why do people say, "bless you" when you sneeze? No one says, "bless you" when you cough, or when you fart. For the latter, the least you can hope for would be a dirty look, as opposed to a twenty-minute speech about proper public behavior. But the only time you receive a "bless you" is after a sneeze. Originally, it started as "God bless you". This was in the days when people thought that a sneeze was actually a discharge of demons from one’s body. So people would say "God bless you" so that the demons wouldn’t re-enter the body and corrupt the soul. But why a sneeze? I think that almost every other bodily noise sounds more like evil demons than a sneeze—especially a fart. I’ve met some guys whose farts smelled like the fucking dead. If anyone needed a god, it would have to be those guys. But I don’t think that there’s a god from any religion that’s powerful enough to protect someone from the combined stench of sulfur, garbage dumps, and backed up gas station toilets that would emit from the orifices of these smelly bastards."
"Why do people always talk about getting really scared and then shitting in their pants? You’re not shitting in your pants. You’re shitting in your underwear, unless you don’t wear underwear. But, in that case, the shit would more than likely run down your leg and fall into your shoe. Then you’d be shitting in your shoe, not your pants."
"How come no one considers their parents to be their ancestors? Anyone from whom you are directly descended is your ancestor."
"I am not, and never will be, happy for someone. It seems to be a bit too idiotic to be happy for another person. If some dicknose wants to feel happiness, he should feel it himself. I’m not wasting my limited supply of positive emotions on someone else."
"Theology: The scientific study of the word the. "
"Useless Tidbit of Information: W is the only letter in the English alphabet that has more than one syllable. "
Thanks to Eric Collins for all this great stuff.. If you're hankerin for some more of his humor...
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