Humor by Steven Wright
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues
that are in all the other museums.
- I invented the cordless extension cord.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
coffee table.
They couldn't help me.
- I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
- Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard.
I was an only child...eventually.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
- My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I flip it on and off, on and off, on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- What's another word for "thesaurus"?
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I
wrote that."
- I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm
out."
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway.
He can't get out.
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer &
farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
- I Xeroxed a mirror.
Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh, that's much better.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
