|
Short Jokes
3 men sat on a ledge of the building they were doing construction work on each man opened his lunch box... the Mexican says Man! Tacos again... if she gives me tacos one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge! the Italian opens his lunch box's and says man spaghetti if she gives me spaghetti one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge! The American opens his box and says man baloni if I get baloni one more time I am gonna jump off this ledge. So thenext day they sit down to lunch and the Mexican opens his box tacos!!! so he jumps... the Italian opens his box Spaghetti!!! so he jumps... the American opens his box..... baloni!!! so he jumps...the next dayat the funeral the Mexican wife says if only he had told me that he didn't want tacos.... the Italian wife says if only he had told me that he didn't want spaghetti... the American wife cried and said he fixed his own dam lunch.
Top of
page >>
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "Damn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"
Top of
page >>
In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this famost ship sailing during the war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign did as his captain ordered. Thought the battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Another day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted, "TEN enemy ships on the horizon ! And frome the elite fleet !" The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "E... E... Ensign, get me my brown pants..."
Top of
page >>
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last
cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily
baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and
was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral."
Top of
page >>
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?".
"You're going to die," she replied.
Top of
page >>
Bob is sitting at a bar, talking to his hand as if it were a phone. The
man gets up and goes to the bathroom. Another man follows Bob. Bob is
standing with his hands spread out against the wall and a piece of
toilet paper hanging out of his ass. the man asks What the hell are you
doing? and bob replys, RECIEVING A FAX!
Top of
page >>
An explorer was walking trough the jungle, and suddently, he found himself surrounded by dangerous cannibals. "I'm fucking dead", said the explorer. Then, a magical voice in the surrounding area said "Not yet, take your knife, and cut the throat of the leader". The explorer did what the voice said. The cannibals began to scream. The magical voice from the surrounding then said, "NOW, you are fucking death"
Top of
page >>
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.
Top of
page >>
There was this old lady and old man. The poor man couldn't hear very well, so he depended on his wife to interpret for him. One day, while they were at the doctor's office, the nurse asked the man to take off his shirt. He asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your shirt!". Then the nurse said, "You need to remove your pants." The old guy asked his wife again, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your pants!" Then the nurse said, "Excuse me sir, but we need a stool sample and a urine sample". Again he asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife said, "They want your underwear!.."
Top of
page >>
~ Blonde
Jokes ~
There is a blond, a brunette, and a red head and they are all stranded on an
Island. The red head decides to swim off the island and then she will get
help for the others. She gets about 1/4 of the way and she doesn't think that
she can make it so she swims back, when she gets back the brunette decides
she'll swim but she only gets about 1/3 of the way there and she doesn't
think she'll make it so she turns back. So the blond says that she'll go and
so she does. She gets 1/2 way and doesn't think she'll make it the rest of
the way so she swims back.
Top of
page >>
There were three blondes stranded on an island, each had one wish to get themselves to land, the first blond wished to be 10 times smarter, and a genie turned her into a brunette and she swam to land, the second blonde wished to be 10 times smarter than the first, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam to land, the third blonde wished to be 100 times smarter than the second, the genie turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.
Top of
page >>
In a unisex bathroom there was a mirror that sucked anybody who lied
into it. One day a lawyer walked into the bathroom and said, "I think
that I'm a great person." Bam he was gone. The next day a IRS agent
walked into the restroom and said, "I think everybody respects the IRS."
Bam he was gone. The very next day a beautiful blonde lady walked into a
restroom and said, "I think---". Bam she was gone.__________
Top of
page >>
A blonde has been planning this trip to Louisianna for a while. She gets there and decides to buy some official alligator skin shoes. She goes into the store and the clerk tells her the price. She says, "THOSE COST WAY TO MUCH. I AM GOING TO KILL MY OWN ALLIGATOR AND GET ALLIGATOR SHOES!" So the store clerk spots the women waist deep in the swamp with a shotgun pointing it right down the nose of a gator coming right for her. Surprisingly she shoots and kills it. She drags it to the shore where there are six more gators! Then the clerk hears her yell, "OH MAN! THIS ONE ISN'T WEARING SHOES EITHER!"
Top of
page >>
|
