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Henry Ford meets God

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells
Ford,"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention - the assembly
line for the automobile - changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out
with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says,"I wanna hang out with God himself." The
befeathered fellow at the Gates takesFor to the Throne Room and introduces
him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says,"Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your
invention:
1st- there's too much front end protrusion 2nd - it chatters at
high speed 3rd - maintenance is very costly
4th - it constantly needs repainting and refinishing 5th - it is> out of
commission 5 or 6 days out of every 28 6th
- the rear end wobbles too much, and
7th - the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super
Computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer
prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention
is flawed." God replies to HenryFord, "but according to statistics, more
men are riding my invention than yours."

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Sum Blonde Jokes (dont take offence!)

Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.

Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath!

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Cos they go and answer the fucking door.

Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear!

Q: How is a blonde different than a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde - she is eighteen.

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
A: So they wouldn't shit during the parade.

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturdaynight?
A: Startled.

Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

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Veterinarian Joke

Chap comes home from work feeling bad about the
day's activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions.
Like most of us, his conscience has two voices.
While staring at the ceiling, one says "don't
worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
That night he tosses and turns. Again the friendly
voice comforts him "Look, you're not the first
doctor to sleep with a patient; you certainly won't be the last."
He thus drops off to sleep. Soon however a nightmare
brings him around to reality - the other voice shouts
"but Michael, you're a veterinarian."

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Make me Feel like a Woman

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!"
she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on Earth to be memorable!
I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel
like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and
they all stare, riveted, at the desperate womanm in the front of the plane.
Then, a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous.

Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
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Parrot Joke

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot." I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag $200. He says "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not" says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What???" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time ... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

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Not Really Jokes..but Funny

Guinness book of records that no one talks about!!!
In life, we all have our goals.
These people just raised the bar!!!!!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her
stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from
the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed
a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and
safelydrunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen
on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very
recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful
of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a
tampon (unused)instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a Cunt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for
the greatest height (12> ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation,
or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American,
who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which
was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.



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A MERCEDES, A HOUSE AND A MILLION IN STOCK

One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a
loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership.
Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman,
and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend
a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because
he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break,
they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the
real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS
best friend a million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can.
The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids,
so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasn't
done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a
hairdresser after 15 years. But I guess his personal life is going OK.
He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. And to give you an idea just how
much his boyfriends like him, check this out: three of his boyfriends
just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!



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The Virgin

A fellow talking to his friend says,
"How can I tell if my girl is a virgin ?"
Friend tells him, "You have to wait
till your wedding night, you show
it to her and ask what it is. If she
calls it a penis, she's a virgin.
If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy gets married, and in the
hotel room he flips it out to her
and says "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replies.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought
you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"


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Some Women Jokes

(1) How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.


(2) Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women never shut up long enough to build up pressure.









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Little Johnny


Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new
bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself
and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we
don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So
why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat
down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would
appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what
kind of boy he was (a brat).
So he ripped up the letter and decided to give
it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new
bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest
so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year
and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart,
which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been
terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter,
threw it in the bin and went running out of the house. He
aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his
parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of a
Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around,
not knowing what he should really do.
Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and
was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a
statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home,
hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,
I've got your fucking mum. If you ever
want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who


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Super Granny (True Story)


An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I
know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four
pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair
carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.


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Have You Ever Been Kissed?



A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day,
enjoying his chance to get some sun.
Suddenly, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she
says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no,
he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like
you need a hug," she says. He agrees that would be nice, she gives
him a great hug, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a
sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?"
"No", he replies with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in!!"


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The Real Story of Adam and Eve


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious
comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But
he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will
look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll
create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting
and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring. So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little
secret... You know...., woman to woman."


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2 Guys & A Girl


There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up
sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for
a couple years doing what was natural for men and women. After several
years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what
she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad
that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed
to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable
course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So................................



They buried her.


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Baking Cakes


There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and
they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy
what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies
"Ummm..... they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having
sex. Again she asks her mother "what are they are doing," and her mother
replies with the same response, "making cakes." The next day the girl says
to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room
last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"


wait for it.............





wait for it.............



Are you prepared for this???????

here it goes............




She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


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Airliner Intercom Mistake



A true story:
This story is from one of the " lucky " passengers on board a Northwest
Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob". The captain did his
best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just
the same rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap
themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the
passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in
their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled
themselves, and the captain's voice came on the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it. But we came through it
fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like
the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and
today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and
co-operation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks: "Jesus Christ - what a bitchin'
ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job
right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin (to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on), one of the passengers called
after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"


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