BREAKING MOVIE NEWS

Exclusive - Fonda's Monkey Army

Pear Harbour can exclusively reveal that Steelyard Blues star Jane 'Steelyard Blues' Fonda controls a fearsome army of Marmosets that she uses to rob powerful Hollywood executives. Last week, Paramount big-wig James Schneider had his home ransacked and his possessions taken in what he described as a "hideous ape attack." Initially, fingers pointed at Britt Ekland, but this website has obtained papers detailing Fonda's dealings with a secret camp in Chile that sells militant marmosets to America.
This is not the first such incident that has rocked the film world. Only last month, an army of mutant Crane-flies was discovered at the home of pinko-leftie Julie 'Nashville' Christie. Christie had intended to use the long-legged psycho-bugs to attack some Neo-Con. Or something.

It's a girl!

Pear Harbour columnist and sometime actress Michelle 'Species' Williams has given birth to a lovely baby girl. The Baywatch and Home Improvement star has been resting in her Great Yarmouth home with the new child, named Tricity Bendix Tim-Tam Office Ledger-Williams, and proud father Heath 'Two Hands' Ledger. Heath once dated Heather Graham and, despite an acrimonious split, the pair still run a herbal tea business together.

New Bond revealed

Der-der-der-derr-der-der-derr..derdu-der-du-der-derrrrrr!
That's right folks, James Bond is back. And who's going to play him??? None other than ex-Leicester striker and professional ragamuffin, Ian Marshall. Marshall, who has previously starred in such films as Wild River, Five Easy Pieces and Dirty Dancing, will take the role after previous first choice Spencer Prior turned it down. The first new bond film will be James Bond: The Spy Who scored a hat-trick against Derby in twenty first half minutes then loved me.

Morrissey's 'wardrobe malfunction'

Hunky Brit actor David Morrissey last night caused much embarrassment by becoming the latest star to fall foul of the dreaded 'wardrobe malfunction.' The Linda Green star went to get his brand new shirt out said wardrobe, when the poorly constructed Ikea purchase crumbled on top of him. Morrissey was stuck there for several days before being rescued by good friend Tessa Jowell.

Celebrity Communist deathmatch!!

Hollywood has been stunned by a controversial bust up between two stars known for their legendary love of... Communism! George 'Looney' Clooney and Warren 'Balfour' Beatty were seen arguing backstage at the Oscars over who is the 'truest' marxist. The row started when Beatty shouted "'Reds' was better, ya Supporting actor!" at Clooney as he recieved his award. The former ER star hit back at the aftershow party by quoting Karl Marx at the bemused Beatty. However, the Mickey One star had the last laugh when he asked Clooney if he "liked the bit when Marx talks about soccer." When Clooney answered in the affirmative, Beatty pointed and shouted "ha ha ha, it's not in there you tit! 1-0 to me!!"
Clooney was later seen arm wrestling Robert Redford to see who hates George Bush the most.

Gyllenhaals latest role

After their superb performances in 'Brokeback Mountain', Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger will team up again for the film I predict a Fryatt: The Matty Fryatt story. Gylenhaal will take up the character of Matty Fryatt, as he rises through the Walsall youth ranks to bring European glory for Leicester City, and the World Cup for England. Ledger will play his (strike) partner Ian Hume.

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