Don't Get Mad, Get Even

by Remma (morennab@yahoo.co.uk)

"By the way, if I forget to say it later, I really appreciate you guys doing this for me."

"No problem, Daniel. We're your friends, of course we'll always be there for you."

"Thanks, Sam."

"I too, am pleased to be of assistance."

"Same, here, Danny. Besides, baiting the natives is way more fun than fishing."

"Tearing out your own fingernails is more fun than fishing."

"Indeed."

"Hmph."

"You all look great, by the way."

"As do you, DanielJackson."

"Really? I bought this suit especially. It's not too blue?"

"No. It matches your eyes."

"That's funny, the salesman said the exact same thing, Jack. I thought he was just exaggerating to make a sale, the way he was going on. I mean really, I know I'm pretty fit these days, but I hardly think comparing me to a greek god is a fair description, and as for the possibility of anyone writing an ode to my ass..."

"Completely ridiculous. Maybe a sonnet."

"Ja-ack."

"A limerick at least."

"Keep trying, Jack, I nearly laughed then. Okay, so, are we all clear on the wedding protocol?"

"No smiling, no talking, if questioned, name rank and serial number only."

"And no jokes, Jack." Daniel directed a quelling look at his recalcitrant colonel, daring him to argue. "If anyone asks you anything, keep your answers to one word wherever possible. Except for you, Sam. You can dazzle them with the sciencey stuff. You needn't worry about giving anything away, you'll lose them as soon as you open your mouth."

"Hey, how come she gets to talk, and I don't?"

"Because Sam talking is impressive. You'll be more daunting if you stand around looking scornful. Just ignore everyone, and if anyone approaches you, try to imagine you're examining a bug on your donut when you reply. You could try a contemptuous sneer, like that one you use on Simmons, Kinsey and alien diplomats."

"Sweet. Couldn't I try some ironic comments, too?"

"Jack, you're 'witticisms' are sarcastic, not ironic. Trust me, you need to avoid speaking. And don't sulk, it doesn't go with the uniform."

"Have you any particular instructions for me, DanielJackson?"

"Teal'c, you just have to be yourself. No way could I improve on the raised eyebrow and 'indeed'."

"See now, Daniel, he's doing that look again."

"What, the one that says he's well aware of his innate superiority?"

"No, the other one."

"Oh, that one."

Okay, this is it, time to get this show on the road. "Teal'c, why don't you take point, find us a good pew."

"I believe the ceremony may have already begun, DanielJackson. Should we not remain here until a more opportune moment for our entry presents itself?"

"No way. I timed this perfectly. This way, no-one will miss us. Remember, look bored. It should be easy, I'll bet my fish that they've written their own vows...guaranteed to be harlequin romance mush."

"Peachy. You really know how to show a guy a good time, Daniel."

"I do. Don't think I don't know how much you enjoy intimidating people, and here I am, giving you free rein to be as nasty as you like to a whole church full of wedding guests. I'll expect proper gratitude later, Jack. I have plans."

"Scaring me, here."

"Good. Be afraid...be very afraid."

"Bambi, who are those people, are they friends of Dwayne's?"

"I don't know, Mom, I guess they must be. Old army buddies, probably."

"Air force."

"What's that, Daddy?"

"Those are Air Force uniforms, colonel and major. I know a little something about these things."

"Oh. I don't think Dwayne was ever in the Air Force. Dwayney, you weren't ever in the Air Force, were you, precious?"

"No, honeybun, I'm proud to say I did my bit for old Uncle Sam in the army."

"Oooh, you're so manly, big boy."

"I'm not the sort to shirk my duty, sweetchips."

"Tell me, young man, who are those officers, and how do you know them?"

"Oh, them. Yes, I saw them arrive."

"Hard to miss. So, are they friends of yours, or not?"

"Well, Mr. Pruitt...

"Now, now, it's Chester, or Dad, now that you've gone and married my baby girl."

"Oh, yes...uh...Dad. I can't say I exactly recognise them, but they must know me, or why would they be here?"

"Dwayney, they're coming over, oh, this is so exiting."

"Hello, Sir, glad you could be here."

Mindful of his instructions, Jack declined to answer, favouring Daniel's one-time tormentor, happily several inches shorter than he, with an intimidating stare, his eyes hidden behind the dark lenses of his rayban's.

"Are you a friend of my Dwayney?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Sir, uh...if uh...why...uh..."

"Hello Dwayne."

"Excuse me?"

"Hello. I'm Daniel Jackson. And this must be your lovely bride."

Bambi giggled and blushed at the compliment.

"Why, it's little Danny, isn't it? I don't believe it, fancy that."

"Daniel. Hello, Mrs. Pratt." Hmn, she'd gotten fat...very fat. What a shame. Still, hardly surprising, considering the vast quantities of twinkie's, tootsie rolls, and jelly donuts the woman could consume in one of her regular little snack breaks.

"Dwayne, you remember Danny, don't you? He was fostered with us for years."

"Daniel. Yes, Dwayne, you remember me don't you? I was the orphaned geek you took under your wing. God knows how I could have made it through those difficult years without your support."

"Oh, that's my Dwayney, always kind to those less fortunate."

Sadly, irony is wasted on the stupid. "Quite. Thank-you for inviting me, Mrs. Pratt..."

"Oh, please Danny, you're not a child anymore, you must call me Wilma."

"Right, and you must call me Daniel, Mrs. Pratt. I hope you don't mind that I brought a few friends."

"Not at all, Danny. And such distinguished looking friends they are too, you must introduce us."

"Colonel O'Neill, Major Doctor Carter, and uh...Murray, meet Mr. and Mrs.Pratt, Mrs. Pruitt, Dwayne Pruitt, and Bambi Pruitt-Pratt."

"No need to be so formal, dear. It's Wilma, Chester, Lulu, Dwayne and Bambi."

"Okay. Wilma, Chester, Lulu, Dwayne and Bambi, meet Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Doctor Samantha Carter, and Murray."

"Well, you've done well for yourself, Daniel."

"I have, Dwayne, thank you for your concern."

"I never would have expected to see you in the military."

"I'm not."

"Oh, but..."

"Doctor Jackson is one of our most valuable civilian advisors." Daniel decided to let Jack's disregard of his one word answer rule pass...maybe, then again, he could always make him pay later...hmn, definitely something to consider.

"Oh, you're a doctor now, Danny, and you were always so squeamish."

"Not that sort of doctor, Mrs.Pratt. I retained my interest in archaeology."

"You were interested in archaeology?"

"Yes, always. Like my parents. I believe I did tell you, but you must have been distracted at the time."

"I'm sure I'd remember if you told me. So, your doctor thing..."

"Doctorate."

"Yes, that, it's in archaeology, is it?"

"One of them is."

"Oh. And what about you, dear, Danny said you were a Major Doctor, what is that?"

"I'm a Major in the Air Force, and also hold a doctorate."

"Is yours in archaeology too?"

"No, astro physics, with a primary emphasis on wormhole dynamics."

"Ah, wormholes, I know a little something about them. All about time machines, you know.

"Well, to a certain extent, but there are some problems, however, with the MT spherical wormhole scenario: one, the Casimir capacitor needs to provide a very large quantity of negative energy, perhaps a Jupiter-mass in size, and this must be in delicate balance with the equivalent positive energy of the wormhole's spatial curvature; two, large radial tension...stretching force...and tangential pressure...squeezing force...develop in the wormhole mouth, which would probably destroy an observer attempting to traverse the wormhole; and three, recent work by Steven Hawking and others indicates that if a wormhole becomes a time machine, it will probably destroy itself. Some outside device would be needed to stabalise the event horizon. Solar flares would be handy for the time travel part, catapulting the traveler backwards. Don't you agree, Mr.Pruitt?"

"Uh...yes."

"Daddy, I had no idea you knew all that. I'm afraid I'm much too stupid to understand sums and stuff. I'm sure my Dwayney could help you with your time problems. He was in the army, you know."

"Oh, really."

"Yes, Sir. I was in the reserves."

"Oh. The reserves."

"Uh, yes. I was all set to go to the gulf, but was unfortunately injured in basic training."

"Bad luck."

"Yes, poor Dwayney was terribly disappointed. If only that bullet had missed his foot."

"Shot in the foot. How awful for you."

"Mr.Murray, are you in the Air force, too?"

"I am not."

"So, you're an adviser too?"

"No."

"My, Danny, what fascinating friends you have."

"Yes. Now, if you'll excuse us, we shouldn't hold up the line any longer...don't want to monopolise the happy couple. Enjoy your day."

That went well, old 'Dwayney' has that stunned mullet look, and mama Pruitt looks like she has a poker up her ass. Absolutely a successful mission. "That went well, I thought."

"They did not seem pleased by your accomplishments, DanielJackson."

"No. I'm devastated."

"They are unworthy of your attention."

"I know, it was fun though. Good work with that ass, Pruitt, Sam."

"No problem. Holy hannah, what an idiot."

"Yep, our work here is done. You feel vindicated yet, Daniel?"

"Almost, Jack. Just a few more people to upset. We need to head out and mingle, so we get hit on as much as possible. Between the four of us, we should be able to reject pretty much every single person here, and some of the married ones. Sam, maybe we could even split up a couple."

"Oh, Daniel, that is truly twisted, lets do it."

"Damn, you're devious. Who knew."

"Well, you know what they say, don't get mad, get even. Now, my people, go forth and conquer. The one who upsets the most guests wins. I'm off to seduce then dump Bambi, and possibly her mother."

"Damn, completely ruthless. Sweet."

"Nice hotel, Daniel."

"Figured I owed you."

"Right. Any reason why Carter and Teal'c get there own rooms, but I have to share with you?"

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, there's a reason."

"And that would be?"

"It's essential to my plan."

"O-kay, more plans."

"Yes, I'm on a roll, so I figured I might as run with it."

"Should I worry?"

"Almost certainly."

"Do I get a clue how this plan involve me?"

"I'm going to seduce you."

"Yeah, right. Seriously, what do you have in mind."

"Jack, I'm going to seduce you. Now that I've honed my technique on Bambi, her mother, her two cousins, her best friend, her sister, her other sister, and her other sister's husband, it seems a shame to waste it. I thought I might try it on a keeper, namely you."

"My god, you're serious. Daniel, have you completely lost your mind? What in hell makes you think I would be interested?"

"Apart from the obvious physical evidence, you mean."

"I was thinking of Barbie."

"Bambi, and you were not."

"I was. She's hot."

"All superficial. I have a feeling poor Dwayney is in for a shock. That vacuous bimbo he just married may come across as a sexbomb, but it's all show. When it gets down to it, she'll just lie there like a soggy froot loop, while he has to do all the work. And if he's hoping for any oral gratification, he can forget it. All he'll get from her is middle class, middle of the road, vanilla sex. Missionary position all the way."

"And you know all this how, exactly?"

"She's still a virgin. She's been 'saving herself' for her wedding night. She told me so, right before she said she wished she'd met me sooner."

"God, Daniel. Remind me never to cross you. Poor old Dwayne."

"Yes. You're much luckier, you get me, and I intend to be anything but vanilla. Come on, Jack, quit wasting time, and quit wasting me. Let's get to it and shock those missionaries."

"Hey, wait up. I don't recall saying I was up for this."

"Oh, you are so up. Admit it, Jack. You want me."

"I admit nothing. Tell me one thing I've done that would make you think I want you."

"You've avoided me, argued with me and generally been in a snit with me for months now."

"And that leads you to believe I lo...uh...want you."

"Yes. You're in denial. You want me, you love me, stop fighting it."

"Daniel..."

"Jack, you needn't worry, I love you too. This is going to be so great."

"We shouldn't..."

"Yes we should."

"But the team..."

"The team works better when we're in sync. The closer we are, the better the team dynamic, so if we're actually doing the dirty, that has to be an improvement on the constant bickering that's been going on of late.

"Ya think?"

"Jack, you owe it to the team to fuck me through the floor."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"At last. Strip."

"Geez, Danny, that seduction technique...needs work."

"Why, I got you, didn't I?"

"Sure, but..."

"So, it works fine."

"Damn. I think I'm going to enjoy this."

"I guarantee it. Now, much as I like you in the dress blues, lose them, now."

"Very eager, Daniel."

"I plan on being insatiable. And I suggest you get with the program, and get in that bed."

"Okay, okay, stripping now."

"About time. Now, all you have to do is follow my lead, I have this all planned."

"You do?"

"Yes. Champagne in the ice bucket, lube and condoms ready by the bed, whipped cream in the fridge, right next to the chocolate treacle and maple syrup."

"So, what are you waiting for, pour the champagne."

"Uh-uh Jack, the glasses are for me, this is for you."

"Daniel, you just poured champagne on your...uh..."

"My johnson, greasy pole, sex-rod, hunk of throbbing man-meat, third leg, trouser snake, pulsating love engine..."

"Okay, I get the idea."

"Then get down there and lick it up."

"I'm not interested."

"Oh, then why is that little guy staring up at the ceiling?"

"Little? Ha! I don't need to feed my love-cudgel alcohol to make it grow."

"Good, I'm planning on impaling myself on it any time now. But first..."

"God, Daniel, you're everything and more that I always hoped you'd be. You know that I love you, right?"

"I know. I love you too. And I am going to make this so good for you, you will never get over it."

"Ah, crap, I'm toast."

***The End***

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