"I'd say the words 'Lesbian and Gay Centre' above the door were a pretty big clue."

"Right. You ready to go in now?"

"Maybe a cup of coffee first."

"Right. Nice of them to put it opposite Starbucks."

"Very considerate. I'll have an espresso..and a blueberry muffin..and one of those big chocolate chip cookies."

"Is that all Daniel, sure I can't get you anything else?"

"Vegetable chips."

"And that was me being ironic."

"Needs work. Don't forget to bring napkins."

"I think you're letting this whole dating thing go to your head."

"Get used to it Jack..I'm expecting you to woo me."

"woo you?"

"Woo me. I want gifts..and pampering..lots of pampering."

"My god I've created a monster."

"Ah..well..actually I was thinking more that..."

"I know what you were thinking Jack and you can forget it..there is no way I am going in there alone. You've faced down the Goa'uld..you can do this."

"This is way harder..and you wouldn't even let me bring my gun."

"Who knew you were such a wuss..quit your whining and get through that door."

"Maybe we should ask someone for help."

"Right. Good. Who?"

"How should I know who..Jack..you're an airforce colonel for crying out loud..pick someone."

"Fine. Him. Pink shirt..strange hair..over by the water fountain."

"Well, we could ask him, but don't you think it would be a better idea if we chose someone who worked here?"

"How in hell can you tell who works here and who doesn't?"

"I'm guessing that the ones wearing name-tags are the staff."

"I could really learn to dislike you."

"Never. Look, someone's coming over."

"Can I help you gentlemen, you're looking a little lost."

"Oh..um..yes..we..wanted..."

"Hey..yea..we need..."

"Sorry..um..why don't you..um..."

"No no..you go ahead..."

"No..it's fine Jack..I can wait..."

"No..really..."

"You guys are new aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Okay, so..how much do you know?"

"Not very much."

"Squat."

"You'll need something pretty basic then. I'd suggest this one, 'The Joy of Gay Sex'. There's a video with an explanatory pamphlet and also a fully illustrated book. It should give you everything you need."

"Have you watched the video?"

"Most of it..although I must admit my partner and I have never been able to make it through all the way to the end..we tend to get..distracted."

"We'll take it."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a getting a room someplace..with a video."

"Tempting though that is, I think I'll pass."

"Why? We can check out our purchases..it'll be fun."

"Jack..two guys booking a room for a couple of hours in the middle of the afternoon is going to be pretty obvious. Everyone is going to know what were doing, and I'm nervous enough as it is without worrying about being stared at."

"Who'd care Daniel. I'll bet half the people in the hotel would be there for the same reason as us."

"Very possibly, but I'd still be uncomfortable. I'd really much rather go home where I can feel..safe. Besides, if we're at home we can take our time..try out all the..variations."

"Good point. Grab a burger and home?"

"Suits me..Ja-ack?"

"Ye-es?"

"We..we are going to be okay with this aren't we?"

"Daniel..we are going to be amazing."

***The End***