Millennium 101 - Speculation - A Recipe for Money

Chaaa-chiiinnnggg! A Recipe for Money

A culinary delight for the wealthy

by Mark Morton

The ongoing drought that's plaguing half the United States got me to thinking: we need some new recipes for money. I thought about the horrid media pictures of withering corn, dead, dried-out wheat fields and other crops and thought, so what? I'll just buy stock in artificial food additives. My mind wandered to pollution, and the degenerative cycle our planet is caught up in. You know the drill: lots of companies all over the world releasing tons of matter into the atmosphere, combined with millions of autos, SUVs, aerosol cans and a bunch of farting cows are slowly eating away the only protection we have from our sun -- a sun that's hotter than a night in Amsterdam. And again I thought, so what? I'll buy stock in sun screen.

Then I thought -- people are actually dying from the heat -- all over the globe. How could anyone die from heat if they have access to water? Oh yeah, I forgot -- the water we need for survival is being rationed in half the states, meaning that, when combined with searing temperatures, soon the trees and plants we care for will slowly die off. Back to the withering fields. Again, so what? I'll buy stock in spring water and air conditioning. But then I remembered that our air comes from the plants. It's so easy to forget, you see, I don't personally know any of the thousands that died from the heat in the last few years. The news is so vague. No matter, I'll invest in a few prestigious undertaking firms.

In a few years, I'll have tons of cash, which I will trade in for $1.00 bills. This is important, because I'll have to eat it all. You see, at this rate, there won't be a "circle of life" to care about -- just a dead planet with a lot of money to go around. Then all my dollar bills will be used for many recipes. I'll probably even write a new cookbook with all the possibilities -- talk about a window of opportunity. This will most certainly make more money, which I will eat, until there's nothing else left.

The Recipe

This recipe feeds a family of four, and is a variation of the popular Marchand de Vin (Mushroom wine sauce).

What you need:

2 lb. cash -- paper only. Note: denomination determines the amount of money necessary. Figure on $5,000 to $20,000 (U.S.)
1 cup finely sliced mushrooms
2 tablespoon butter
1/2 cup dry red wine or Medeira
1/2 cup hot beef stock

First, prepare the money. Wash it thoroughly with hot water and scrub with a stiff brush. Shred it -- I recommend a paper shredder, as food processors are designed for food. (You can throw yours away.)

Sauté the mushrooms in butter. Add the beef stock, simmer 10 minutes. Add the wine or Madeira, simmer 20 minutes. Add the money, let simmer for ten more minutes, or until tender. Season to taste. Serve promptly.

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Copyright © August 1999 by Mark Morton. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in any form without contract or permission, but is for sale. Contact Mark Morton if you wish to publish this story in your magazine or periodical.

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