Technological Jokes
Software Revisions
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each
software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that
this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in
reality there's substantially more information available through the
rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the
meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1.0
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to
release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the
marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll
find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its
operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
1.1
We fixed all the killer bugs ...
1.2
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to
fix them, too.
2.0
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's
really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.
2.1
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so
we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time,
so
we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these
bugs.
2.2
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!
3.0
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are
really happy with this.
3.1
Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need
to get more memory and a faster processor ...
4.1
Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!
5.0
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base
out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.
6.0
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been
so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major
upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could
justify the major upgrade number.
6.1
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who
works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've
made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since
I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept
complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're
talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it
for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits
in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but
it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.
Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
- Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
- Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
- 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...
- SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the question!
- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
- TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
(Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!)
What if Dr. Seuss wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a consultant, this sucker's gonna hang!
One MORE Terrifying Virus Alert
If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus
yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will
recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream
goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards,
screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and
leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide
your car keys when you are late for work.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank
and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel
room to your Visacard.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully
those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It
will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's
voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous
and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and
then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers in your new snowblower.
These are just a few signs.. be very careful!
THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such
governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical
interfaces.
- Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful
text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute
commands typed in plain English.
- Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you
want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
- You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing
"UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes.
Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't
go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
- All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive
devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that
causes you to jump backwards.
- People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the
data.
- A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the
world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
- You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE"
function. (See "Demolition Man".)
- Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes
for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24
hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to
transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control
panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also
disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
- If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you insert it.
- Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the
manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
- Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all
software is usable on any platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See
"Aliens".)
- Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because
the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics
capabilities.
- Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and
performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
- Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)
- Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no
matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise
searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are
returned.)
The Computer Hillbillies
This is best if you sing it in your head to the tv show tune ...
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Unix, that is... CRTs... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So be bought himself some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life just slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned age 64,
Instead he got a phone call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... ya hear!
How to Tell if You’re an Internet Junkie
- You wake up a 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator
1.1 or higher."
- You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.
- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free Internet access.
- You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two
hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your
ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you
succeed.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
- You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
- You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com"
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. (Editorial comment: get a local access number!)
- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
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