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journal57:
lyric: we got guitars and some amplification
its rock and roll and the teenage desperation
yeah yeah- it doesnt matter
yeah yeah-when we're together
yeah yeah-its inovation
yeah-were kids in corperations
lack of motivcations
teenage derspiration
only thing that saves you at all
im so far gone its insane, and its rock and roll thats to blame
nothings gunna keep us down

loudermilk
*pulls at her hair* arg! people make me so mad sometimes! i make me so mad sometimes! someone take me away from all this!!

journal56:
lyric: I'm thinking of you, thinking of you
Your voice surrounds me
You always astound me
I wish you saw me in the light I see you
I know all too well just how you do
It’s clear to me I'm clear to you
It’s clear to me you see straight through-
Me and to the bone your eyes dig deep
But I'm still thinking too much to sleep
me
I have feelings too, damnit.
sorry i havnt updated in forever, but ive been busy with my band. go to our website.

journal55: i am dead today- i finished recording finally after much greef and trial and error. i dont know what to say- ive just been whiped out from everything lately and havnt updated this. theres also been a lot of holilday stuff going on. like my grandma threatening to kill herslef just so she could give my great grandmother a heart attack. *sigh* yall should meet my family- it would be a riot :) my mommy made me this new scarf- and i love it. its absolutely great. you know what ive been thinking? all the guys in bands (pretty or less than pretty) have beautiful girls at their sides. now, why cant i have a beautiful man by mine? im in a band. im not hidious. wheres my beautiful man, damnit?! i can tell you where- hes with some probably beyond beautiful girl.. but he deserves it. so i cant be selfish. i just saw him not too long ago and he was absolutely stunning.

journal54:
lyric: No ones ever tripped over their feet
Trying to get a second look at me
I can say I’ve never been in love
There’s nothing too special about me

me
im almost finished with my christmas shopping, and in doing so i found a purse to some older lady. i called the numer that was in there and she started crayig and called me an angel :) im happy i could make her day. plus- she gave me $10- WOO! :)

journal53:
lyric: Careful, careful
The trees are falling down
The hurricane is spinning through the air
I want to kiss you in the shelter beneath the house
While the twisters overhead
And while we kiss I can hear the objects smashing against the wall
Shots of light break through the cellar door as they come undone
Careful, careful
The earth will be devoured
The sharpened teeth of a hurricane
I hear the panic but I'm just too tired to care
Or too in love I just can’t tell
And while we kiss I can hear the objects smashing against the wall
Shots of light break through the cellar door as they come undone
You were just the spark I needed or you are my love depleted
You were just the spark I needed or you are my love depleted
You were just the spark I needed or you are my love depleted
Careful, careful
The trees are falling down
Careful, careful
The trees are falling down
Careful, careful
The trees are falling down
loudermilk
i am absolutely infatuated with this song.

journal52:
lyric: I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
All a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say
I don't listen anyway
You ignore me
And I’ll never be what you want me to be
johnny rzeznik
im tired of me, and feeling bad about feeling bad. i need someone. please take me

journal51:
lyric: i-
i want to fall in love
tonight
good charlotte
my head hurts. its 2:36 am and i just got home after being out with people. today i was feeling insanely lonely, and it just so happend that there was some stuff there for me to get my hands on. im not saying i got drunk, cause ive never been drunk before, but ive also never had 2 1/2 bottles before either, so i can safely say im a little tipsy. earlier i was really hyper, but now im just lonely.

journal50:
lyric: im on my second drink
but ive had a few before
im trying hard to think
and i think that i want you on the floor
uhh-huh
yeah- on the floor
go on and take it off
(take it off)
you want to shake it off baby for me
common and break me off
cause i get what i want and i like what i see
the donnas
hmm... i think i have a little crush on him; but not one to drive me crazy over, i can do without seeing his face everyday. its just that he kinda just ends up to be the highlight of my day. i really dont mean him to be, its just it happends to be that way when everything else around me is so dull. its not something im worried about right now- cause i know that it wouldnt work out with us at all. not because i couldnt have him, cause im sure i could if i really wanted to. its just that he wants something i just cant give him. im sure that my friends suspect someting- theyre smart. becasue i talk about him often. but thats totally fine with me- call me not interested :)
on another note- i wish i were a member of the donnas. i always have. you know- all so cute, and rebelious and bad with great tunes. that would be great. id just like to go up to a hot guy some day and be all forceful and tell him to strip. im just not as bad as id like to be. maybe someday ;)

journal49:
lyric: do you worry that youre not liked
how long till you break
youre happy cause you smile
but how much can you fake
our lady peace
i looked in the mirror today. i took a good long look. ive never though about this for so long, but i found out that im ugly. i hate to say that too, because ive never thought even once in my life that anyone was ugly. but ive somehow come to that conclusion about myself. its less about my looks, but how ive realized how people react to me. i dont think anyone has ever thought i was truly pretty other than my mom. i never wanted to believe it, but ive been seeing a lot of pictures of me, and it cant just be that im not photogenic, because all of the pictures seem to be horrid. and the ones i see that are bad my friends say are their favorite pictures of me, meaning that when i see myself at my worst, it must be the best i can get, and thats beyond depressing. and it depresses me more that i care so much. just yesterday, i was at a resturant with 2 of my friends and a talent scout for a modeling company. now- i dont want to b e a model, but its the fact that when he came up and gave us his card, he was clearly only talking to my 2 friends and inviting them to come in for an interview. he never made eye contact with me. all of my friends are so beautiful.. i mean, wow. every single one of them; inside and out.

journal48:
lyric: elmo wants to be a chicken
elmo wants to be a duck
ha ha ha ha!
chicken dancing elmo doll
weeeeeeeeeeee! im REALLY hyper right now! i went to bes at 11, diddint get to sleep until 12, sisnt really sleep till 3, woke up at 6:30- went to school, then im going home with kat, practicing till 3, then going to steves, then going to the studio at 5. it will be fun! eeek! i cant even type right! im sooo hyer. ok, from now on im going to leave in my typing mistakes. ok? ok! oh! and i do het to got to the GO.. er... i mean good chartlotte chaoncert! oh man.. see, my tuyping rerally is stinky right now! i bet you cant ever nread this. you probably thingk im just making this buit, but sa;dly im not. i really cant type at all right now. lol.. sorry. i just finished my presintation. i ho9pe it goes well./ *does a little dance* im gunna see GC! woo hoo! this is fun. i hope recording goes well tonight so we get it all done, do the editiong tomorrow and are done in time to see ACS. i miss them oodles. but speaking of concerts- i didnt go see the geeks on friday. chris said there was no show, so after voice lessons, we all just drove around and did nothing. it was so boreing. but- as it ended up, chris was wrong and there really was a concert. im just a little bitter. not because i missed a show- cause im fine with that. its just that the show was 15 MINUTES AWAY! insted of AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTES! *sigh*.. 15 minutes. i could have walked. but no.. i was bored. but thats ok. i'll live. man, im so shaky. the lack of slep is making me crazy~ i rthink ill go. layter! oh goodness... the typing. *shakes her head*

journal47: listen closely.... *pssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh* thats the sound of my head deflaiting.

journal46: im in hell- oh- i mean, im at school same thing right? yeah, i know. im sitting next to micah *pokes him* "i feel like soooo privalaged" he says. riiight ;) today SUCKS! woo hoo does it ever!! i just found out that there is no way yhat i can pass my english class. that means that i most likely cant go gto dack the hall ball. that means no sparta, no sum41, no DISTURBED and NO GOOD CHARLOTTE! *falls on the floor crying* life sucks as i know it. but at least thanksgiving is comming up. i love stuffing

journal45:
lyric: I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls.
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent
and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.
And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me?
And I don't want to fall into the light.
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't want to die tonight.
Will you.
AFI
i scare people away dont i? what is it about me that scares people away? am i mean? am i rude? am i ugly? am i just a pain in the ass? most likely.

journal44: too much for me right now. arg... my dad is 99% sure that hes getting layed-off, and if he doesnt, then he has to lay off one of his co-workers. hes been searching for jobs for the past 3 days. great surprize for him, a month before christmas. i dont care about presents- im one of those people who acctually truly enjoy giving them rather than receving them. but its just that i know this will put a lot of stress on my dad. this is the last week for me to get all my failing grades up to passing. so ive dedicated all this week up until thursday to doing work. then turday, theres a band practice, then firday im going to voice lessons with kat, then comming home with her so her cousin can come over and do a sketch of us for the CD. then on saturday is our last real practice. then sunday im supposed to be resting up completly (no singing, talking, strenuous activities) so i will be ready for recording on monday- but im going to help my mom clean house because thanksgiving is at our house this year (yay:). then monday once i get home from my half day of school, i go directly to kats, and we practice until 4 when we leave for the studio. all i have to say is that im a busy girl. a very busy girl. and i hope that i can do this all withour my head exploding :) wish me luck!

journal43:
lyric: here we go loop-dee-loo
here we go loop-dee-ly
here we go loop-dee-loo
all on a saturday night
fun night (speaking of "fun night"-i missed AWK. *kicks shane and ryan*). first- earlier today, i saw harry potter. it was really good. a lot better than the first; and i liked the first one just fine. then rachel, jen, becky and i all decided we would go to the mall and meet beau. *waves to beau because hes probably the only one who reads my journal anyway* it was fun- nice to meet you in person, beau :) we also ended up seeing erich at the mall, too. then we went to go visit aaron and shane. i missed aaron. then rachel, becky and i just did stupid stuff up until this point (1:42 am on sunday) where i am sitting at the computer eating my moms leftover chicken. very tasty. cold- but tasty.

journal42: baby! oooh, goodness. our baby had a baby. taylor hanson (yes, mmmbop- the middle one you all thought was a girl or gay) had a baby boy, jordan ezra, on october 31st. well- not him, but his wife. hes only 18..19? whatever- the point is that this is just shocking. not that he had a kid- that i can handle because of their family situation (being one of 7 kids) i always saw him as having a family as soon as possible. its just the thought of him having sex. weeeird. but i dont think this little bundle of joy was planned on, being that they were only married 5 months ago. did i hear someone say "shotgunwedding"? i heard about him having his baby a few days ago- but i just recently saw pictures, and that just makes it all the more shocking. cute baby though :)

journal41:
lyric: Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide
kasey chambers
i want a hot tub.

journal40: someone kick me in the head. give me a concussion- at least a reason for being so dumb. the topper of my day- hes taken. the last post on here was from 3rd period... and by 5th i was crying. im such a wuss, i derserv all this. if i were any smarter, i would be a paper-clip.

journal39: Im literally sick to my stomatch with my life right now. i feel like i might have to make a quick dash to the bathroom at any point. today has just been bad. i was really tired because i havnt been sleeping well, then i woke up to find out that im sick, and now is probabaly the worst time i could be sick sinse im supposed to be recording soon, and we are going to be working on vocals for the next 2 weeks. then, i got my test back and the girl who graded it did it wrong and gave me a failing grade, when i acctually passed- so i hope my teacher believes me when i tell him that she did it wrong. then i was reminded how bad friday was... i wish i had never gone. i dont want to go anymore, but i still have to finnish my project (that in itself is making me feel bad because i feel like im using them- but ACS isnt obtainable right now. though it seems neither are the geeks at this point). now, ive just been thinking too much about things and how bad things are really going in school. once again ive dug myself into this really big hole that i dont see any way out of at all. somone hand me a shovle? sprok? anything?

journal38:
lyric: hold me now
im six feet from the edge
and im thinking
maybe six feet aint so far down
im so fed up with all of this. im sick and tired of worring about it all the time. i just wish none of this had ever happend. but if it hadnt, i might not be alive at this moment. no big loss, though- right? im going to give it one last effort, and then its over. i just cant handle this. im not in the mental state to be going through things like this right now. cant i have one thing go right? one thing that isnt tained by something? tainted by greed, drugs, or anything of the sort? it just doesnt seem like it these days. 5 years. 5 years of pretending. sure- pretending is fun for a while, but 5 years is too much for me to take. i want to give it all up-everything- and just dissappear.

journal37: *sigh* just one of those days i guess. it was really going good so i guess i should have expected this sudden decline in happieness. i talked to him today, but i had to start the conversation. i think ill give up soon, though. no use, right? i know this sounds so immature and petty, but i want someone to care. someone to wake up in the morning and have me on their mind. someone to talk about me with thier friends. someone who notices when im not around. but he doensnt. and he wont. and i know it.

journal36:
lyric: and id give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
and id give it all away
just to have someone to come home to
linkin park
i never listen to linkin park. but i really like this song. its really pretty. it makes me want to sit out in the (nonexistant) snow. theres this boy- hes so pretty. i dont think anything will come of it though. hes right there and hes not saying anything to me. but oh well, another lonely year for me. now that makes... what? 16? *sigh* for once id like to try not being lonely though. hed be the perfect candidate to fix it all. but i doubt he will.

journal35: i wish i wernt the biggest looser. im sick of it. everytime im there, i cant help but think that i dont belong there, and that im not wanted. zac said he spent his birthday strolling around NY City Central Park. He went to the Guggenheim Museum, along with Isaac and Taylor. They had a nice Italian dinner, and later, they headed downtown to a jazz club and spent the rest of the night listening to jazz. theres something strangly human about that. i dont know. just the thought that anyone could be doing that same thing. and heres this guy that i was drop-dead in love with for 5.5 years, just walking around. having a normal birthday. and now that no one cares about them anymore, im a little insulted that i wasnt invited to go with them. but then again, im still sour about them not inviting me to the wedding.

journal34:
lyric: dance your cares away
worries for another day
let the music play
down in fraggle rock
couldnt tell ya
my toes are a bit freezy. but i think im allright. my noodle hurts though. i really cant do anymore work cause i have a head ache. i think ill jsut make some tea and then get to bed. oh! but i got another frog, if i didnt tell yall :) they are so happy together. their names are now wayne and garth. i hope they dont have babies, that might be a little freaky. anyhoo-wasnt i saying aosmthing about tea? i believe i was. off i go! check.

journal33:
lyric: yeah yeah
yeah yeah
yeah yeah
if it makes you feel better
the geeks
ahh!!! drugs suck!! he was so cool. he was so original, so great! i loved him, then he went and decided to dedicate his life to doing every single drug on the face of the earth. DAMNIT!

journal32:
lyric: but i dont want to wait
for i have lost my way
why cant i find myself an idol?
somebody that i can look up to
be big enough to hold me close in their arms
and never let me down
and all these stupid conversations
that always seem to lead to nowhere
their going round and round, and round in my head
and theyll be back again
theyre coming back again...
amanda ghost
those lyrics are so perfect. i love the way music refelcts life. or more like, life refelcts music. well, whatever it is; sorry about the lack of updates. my life has been really crazy lately, either ive been out, of i havnt been in the mood to update. ive gotten back into a bad habbit that i thought i was done with... hopefully it will pass. its so pethetic.

journal31:
lyric: and i know im making something
out of this life they call nothing
i take what i want
take what i need
they say its wrong but its right for me
i wont look down
wont say im sorry
i know that only God can judge me
good charlotte
brooha! was today a day or what? it all started after school though. i took my drivers final exam and passed (small hoo-ray), then sinse i had 30 minutes till i was to be picked up/kid-napped by bethany and rachel, i went to the yoga place and sat down, smelled the insense and listened to soothing music.