INVENT THE ALIEN CONTEST
You know what I've always wanted to do?
I've always wanted to move into a new neighborhood and try to convince everyone that I'm from another planet.
But nooooooo, not the way you're thinking.
Not by going around and saying "I'm from another planet."
I want to do it the "Uncle Martin" way. I want to do a really unconvincing job portraying an average Earth man.
I'll use attention getting devices such as, late at night, setting up speakers that blast strange sounds out my windows while I light up the house like a nuclear explosion. Then the next morning, when questioned, I'll say, "Noise? What noise?"
And, of course, I'll build a spaceship in the garage and *never* open the door during the day. I'll have a window that I'll accidentally forget to block up when-ever kids are around. And I'll get really excited when anyone gets close to the garage yelling, "You kids! I TOLD you! Stay away from my garage!"
Oh, yeah, and I'll fake strange illnesses when I'm talking to people. I'll suddenly hold my hands high over my head and stretch as far as I can while yelling, "Oh no, not again!" I'll run back into the house making beep beep noises.
And I'll carry a little tape recorder with me that will play back previously recorded sentences. I'll mouth them out of sequence and then look really upset.
And I'll slip a lot. I'll say, "Did you know that Earth people often... *ahem* ...I mean, did you know that people often...?"
So far, this is just the bare bones. I need lots of help (no, not *that* way).
So it's time to run another *c*o*n*t*e*s*t*. Oh, yes. Let me know if you have any ideas on how I can accidentally on purpose lead people to believe I have arrived from another planet.
[Special thanks to my friend Jeff from California for allowing me to use the above photo of the spaceship he actually did build in his garage. What an inspiration!]
Elendil:
Robofreak:
Top Ten Ways Xig Can Pretend to Be an Alien:
10) Drive a Deloreon and fix it up to look a bit more spacey.
09) Leave stuffed animals half-buried in the yard like some sort of poorly constructed animal graveyard.
08) Make a model of a mountain out of mashed potatoes and crap in the yard.
07) Fill a bottle of windex up with a blue colored drink and walk around sipping it.
06) Stand outside at night with a flashlight pointed at the sky blinking out morse code.
05) Speak in a different accent every month.
04) Leave a book laying around titled: "How to Serve Man."
03) Claim that Men in Black and X-Files "scares the hell out of you."
02) When faced with a decision in the company of friends, ask an appliance what it thinks you should do.
and the number one thing you can do to prove you're an alien is:
01) Wear a sticky note that says: "Hello, my name is: Xzyclexlim" with the name crossed out and "BOB" penciled in.
Neoknight:
Clear out one room in the house, with the exception of something soft to sit indian-style on (bean bag chair, futon, etc). When freinds ask what it is, just say it's "nothing special; just didn't have anything to do with that room." In the middle of conversation, suddenly jerk your head up and wander into the room. Start babbling incoherently to the "Mother Ship" and come back out 15 minutes later looking either elated or forlorn.
If they ask what went on, tell them they really don't want to know.
Steve_Reeves:
[Xig Note : Mr. Steve is socking it to me here because I misspelled "planet" as "plant" in the original email.]
omniknight:
I excell at odd behavior. You may regret this one! I'm going for sheer volume! Anyway, here's a couple of ideas for your alien contest:
1. Smear really dark sunless tanning cream on you in awkward, *extremely* uneven patterns.
2. Act surprised about the ending of Titanic. "I mean, the ship *actually* sank! It was supposed to be unsinkable! But it sank!"
3. Claim you didn't like Star Wars because it was "Unrealistic".
4. Take heavy black metal boxes and use thick wires to hook them up to your computer. Be sure the computer is in an open space and throw a towel only partially over the entire apparatus when some one visits.
5. Buy lots of star chart posters. Keep them in the living room.
6. Attempt to hold conversations with drive-through restaurant microphone/speakers (the talking post- you know!) Extra points for repeatedly demanding to see the high commander.
7. Talk to your couch. Pretend to play fetch with it. When nothing happens, shrug and tell visitors that "This gravity, I mean this climate doesn't suit them." Act extremely upset when someone sits on it. Tell them they just killed your pet.
8. Be frightened by your neighbor's goldfish. Bow to the tank and beg forgiveness from their High Overlord. Demand that any others in the room also bow to the tank.
9. Refer to food and/or drink items in terms of caloric content, not brand name.
10. Whenever something comes on TV about crop circles, wonder aloud why some people make such a big deal about grafitti.
144b:
The Bumbershoo, or Seiood, come from the planet Aswego. in the Margn system, 45 parcels from the Crab Nebula (hang a right at the gas station).
Physical Description:
They are bipeds in humanoid form with small wings on their backs
and a long flowing tail. The Seiood do fly but only for mating
purposes. They have three long digits on each of their two arms with
suction cups on the end which are folded when not in use.
The chest of a Bumbershoo is large with four sets of lungs. Each set
of lungs is for different gases. Helium O2/Methane, Neon. The forth
set of lungs are for exhaust. When there is no air to breath at all,
the helium lungs are use for flight.
It's head has long hair and its color differs with its emotions. The face has two large eyes that close vertically.The Sciood have keen eyesight and smell. However their tastebuds are less than developed.They will eat "anything."
Intelligence:
The Bumbershoo are a hunter and gatherer social order with almost no written
language. However, they have a great accounting firm. And many Seiood
are in the banking order of the Flemmz empire.
[Xig note : At this point, I inform 144b that he has misread my email and he starts again.]
Here are a few things you can do to make the nabobs think that you are a being from outer space.
Always walk around outside wearing jade of some
weird ass color coveralls.
Fly a kite at night.
Hang strips of tin foil from a tree and get one of those lights that changes color. Point
it at the tree at night (Not while you are flying the kite... too busy).
Have picnics out on your front lawn every day even during winter or rain.
Drive
around in a pink AMC Pacer or other types of early 1970's cars in odd
paint schemes.
Put up another mailbox that reads in an undescribable letters.
Also make it an odd color ( Odd colors make humans uneasy).
As for pets, get one or those hairless cats and use neon colored contacts on
it (Yes, it's cruel). If a dog is more your speed, get an really ugly
one: A dog that has no bark and can honk a horn.
Sarchasm:
When asked where you're from, say, "Mar...yland."
Sometimes after lunch break, come back to the office with a small piece of tin foil in the corner of your mouth.
Keep a CRC Handbook on your desk. Read from it and laugh loudly.
Agent_Moldy:
2) Vow to "get that Mulder guy" for the bad reputation he's given your family -- er, aliens...
3) Tell people you will be appearing on "Sightings."
When they ask why, tell them, "Because
somebody saw me..."
4) Somewhere in your yard (in a mailbox, trash can, bush, wherever), hide a strobe light or some sort of flashing light, and maybe also a tape recording of gibberish. Go outside at night, turn it all on, and "communicate" with your superiors.
LuvBJones:
Of course, if you want to do it
in style, I'd suggest you begin by completely overreacting to earth
weather.
For example, if light spring showers are predicted, arrive
at work wearing rubber chest waders and a Mae West over your normal
attire. Cover your car windows with plywood. "Their expecting rain!" you'll
explain to baffled co-workers.
When the temperature reaches
eighty degrees, drape yourself with a reflective space-age polymer
and cut two holes in the top for the eyes. "What a scorcher!" you'll
exclaim, as you crawl into the meat cooler at Safeway.
Come fall, as
the leaves begin to drop, race through leaf-littered yards screaming
"IT'S ALL OVER!! DEAR GOD!!! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!!! THEY'RE DYING!!!"
Swab your tear-stained face with the debris as you whisper "Why? Why?"
Finally, when the temperature plummets to forty degrees, dye your lips and tongue blue and beg your co-workers, "Please buy my matches? Please, buy my matches?"
I think you'll be pleasantly suprised!
Animebabe:
When talking, leave out "extra" words like "the, and, about, with." Look confused when people ask you about it.
Sit at a bar with a beer. Mumble about how Ford Prefect got all the glory and Trillian should have been yours.
Converse with babies. Pretend to understand what they are saying. Laugh a lot and tell the parents that their kid is hilarious.
Sing "Englishman in New York" Subsitute words for the lyrics. Instead sing "I'm an alien, I'm an illegal alien, I'm a Venusian in New York."
Bitch to people that ALF gave "us all" a bad name, and point out that there is more meat on a dog than a cat.
Have a bunch of pet slugs. When people ask, tell them that where you come from, slime is considered sexy. When they ask where you are from, look vacant and say "Someplace else" then twitch and change the subject.
Watch the X-Files. Point out your Uncle Earl when the aliens are shown.
Test out sentences before you say them. Mumble them to yourself so that other people can hear... nod... and then say them again to the person you are addressing.
Just a few ideas for you! :)
Acrylic:
1. Arrive home from the autoparts store. Claim to have been "grocery shopping."
2. Mention how many things, "Taste like chicken."
3. Get weepy everytime Discovery shows programs on space travel.
4. Ask neighbors if they would please return your particle accelorator.
5. Answer the door, "I wasn't isolating nucleotides!"
6. Know all the words to ABBAs "Chiquitita."
7. Find the idea of using gas in your car "laughable."
8. 3rd Rock -- a documentory.
DancingQueen:
- Refer to things in outdated lexicon (the telly, the slaves, "Heard some neat stuff about this guy named Jesus. He still around?")
- Dye the roots of your hair blue or green or some other non-naturally-occurring color.
- Abruptly stop walking in the middle of a New York City sidewalk. (Wait, that's just acting like a TOURIST. My mistake.)
- Notice the horrified looks on people's faces when you prepare to climb out the window of a 10-story building, then explain, "Oh, I forgot. Only the *first* floor."
- "There was this one time, when me and my buddies played around with the camera on the Mars Pathfinder..." "The Nissan Pathfinder has a camera?" "Um, ours did. Never mind."
- Ask why humans don't melt when they go swimming.
- "That Speak-and-Spell scene; what a joke!"
- Go to the post office and ask for intergalactic stamps.
- Inquire as to how much the earth might "cost, say, in alien-space-leaves." (Calvin&Hobbes ref.)
- Cite "security reasons" when asked why you're eating your morning newspaper.
- Talk to your plants. I mean REALLY *talk* to your plants.
- "Man, cell phones give me such a headache!"
- "Who's Monica Lewinsky?"
Yes, yes, I can do all this... and more!
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