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AND NOW THE WIERD CRAP I THINK OF

SILLY PUTTY RULES I: A guide to safe use of explosive silly putty

1. It is not advisable to allow Silly Putty to reach room temperature.

2. Direct contact with Silly Putty should be limited to approximately 5 minutes.

3. Do not microwave Silly Putty.

4. Do not mock Silly Putty.

5. If Silly Putty begins to smoke, we strongly urge an evacuation of the surronding 10 mile area.

6. If Silly Putty begins to glow, don't worry. You have a full 10 minutes left to live.

7. Silly Putty is made of a radioactive compound which has a half-life of approximately 13,664.29 years.

8. Do not use Silly Putty as a substitute for plastic surgery.

9. Silly Putty is an excellent substance for hair removal.

10. Silly Putty requires low-level gamma radiation for removal if it becomes attached to a person.

11. Do not use Silly Putty as a replacement for missing body parts, as it tends to smoosh after heavy use.

12. Feel free to place Silly Putty next to loud people who won't shut up, as the noise may cause messy explosions.

13. Do not chew Silly Putty, as it may kill or at least severely traumatize normal brain cells.

14. Terrorists should not be allowed to obtain Silly Putty as it is an acceptable substitute for atomic weapons.

15. Silly Putty is extremly nasty when mixed with Vaseline. Draw your own conclusions.

16. Silly Putty has been proven to ward off llamas with amazing effectiveness.

17. Silly Putty is not recomended for testing in classrooms as it dissolves most acids.

18. Heavy Metal is "really bad" for Silly Putty.

19. Silly Putty will destroy the ozone layer if melted.

20. Silly Putty melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

21. It may be possible to kill Physics teachers with explosive Silly Putty.

22. Buying Silly Putty will help end the Recession.

23. Stupid people (you know who you are) should not use Silly Putty.

24. Do not use Silly Putty on money, as it is a serious felony.

25. We make better Silly Putty than the Japanese.

26. Silly Putty is made from unknown chemicals found in a rock that fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

27. All Silly Putty is silly, but some are more Silly than others.

28. Silly Putty is not yet a suitable substitution for silicone breast implants.

29. For God's sake, DON'T SNORT SILLY PUTTY!!!

24 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:

1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far awayfrom your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

14.Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."

21. Get a monkey (Preferbly purple), and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

24. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex:

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness

"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."

"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."

"What do you mean we have the wrong patient ?"

"Why is there a tag on his toe ?"

"Do you think he can hear us ?"

"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."

"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anthesia. Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."

"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards ?"

"Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!"

"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."

THE 10 GROSS THING FLUTE PLAYERS DO

1.Eat crisps immediately before playing, subsequently splattering those nearby with bits of chewed soggy potato.

2.Blow hard down the flute at irregular but frequent intervals so that the accumulated wet gunge goes on people's shoes (or earholes or other orifices, depending on the angle of the flute).

3.While playing, hold the end of the flute over people's pints of beer and cups of tea so the wet gunge drips slowly into the glass or cup as playing progresses. (Best done to other players' drinks, as they don't notice till it's too late.)

4.Between tunes, bounce the end of the flute gently on the knee so that the gunge runs out and leaves a soggy wet patch on their trounsers.

5.Insult fiddle players for playing tunes with notes lower than bottom D or C in (not disgusting unless you're a fiddle player).

6.Insert a peanut at the embouchure of the flute, close all holes, point flute at nearby dog or other pet as available, then blow hard. A successful strike on the dog/pet often depends on the blood/alcohol level of the flute player. Flute players with Low C# and C keys are reccomended to close those keys for that little extra accuracy and a slight but satisfying "zing".8.Try to rob drink from bars by pretending flute is the barrel of an antique gun and pointing it at bar staff (seldom succesful).

9.Use cork grease for .

10.Regularly smear flute with rancid oil (preferably oil from a tin of sardines past its use-by date) This also enhances the level of disgustingness acheived under items 2, 3, and 4.
The Flute: truly Irish Traditional Music's most disgusting instrument.

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