ch6

Melissa- (diving in front of Greg) You can’t SHOOT him!!!!!
Chris- (jumps off the bed, knocking Tory to the ground) Holy crap brotha where’d you get that thing?!
Tory- (still “groggy”) What’s going on…HEY NOW! (She raises her hands above her head)
Anna- AH! I’m gonna DIE! (She jumps off the bed, huddling against the wall)
Frankie- (jumps up and hugs Anna) Jesse…you…you…
Amy- Cool shotgun!!
Jesse- Thanks, I won it at the arcade yesterday. Pretty realistic looking for only fifty tickets, eh??
Anna- (peeks up at Jesse with one eye) Wha…?
Tory- (lowers her arms) Wait a second…
Melissa- (standing up) You mean…
Chris- That gun is fake??
Jesse- (nodding, a big smile on his face) This is hands down the BEST trick I’ve EVER played on ANYONE!!!
Frankie- (moving away from Anna and putting his palm on the wall) Oh…I never believed it.
Greg- (standing up) Oh, shut up, Frankie. You did too.
Chris- Yeah, Frankie, nice try.
Frankie- No, really! I swear…
Anna- You big baby…just admit it like the rest of us…
Jesse- (starts dancing around the room) I played a trick on everyone…I played a trick on everyone…
Matt and Meagan come out of the bathroom to find Jesse parading around the room with a shotgun.
Matt- (screams) AH!! (He ducks behind Meagan)
Meagan- Oh for cryin’ out loud. (She grabs the gun from Jesse and breaks it over her knee)
Jesse stares at the remains in disbelief.
Jesse- You…you…GUNBREAKER!
Amy- Whoa…how did you know it was fake?
Meagan- Easy. (She walks over to her bed and crouches down to pull something out from under it. Standing up, she hands it to Jesse) I have the same one in silver.
The others look at each other and at Jesse and Meagan.
Jesse- Oh…so you beat the baseball game too then…huh??
Meagan nods, smiling.
Matt- (red from embarrassment) Well, Meagan…I wasn’t really scared, you see…I was trying to protect you…
Tory- By jumping behind her…uh huh…
Anna- He’s tryin’ to pull a Frankie on us.
Jesse- It doesn’t look like he’s pulling Frankie…they’re across the room from each other…
Greg- (mumbles) Loser…
Melissa- Jesse……nevermind.
Jesse- Ok, fine. Whatever.
Shortly after, the guys and girls say their goodnights and separate, each wondering what the next exciting day will bring.

***

The next morning, Jesse’s blaring alarm goes off at 7 am.
“HAKUNA MATATA…”
Chris- (sitting up with a start) AH! What is it?! What is it?!
Frankie- (leaps off the bed) Who’s singing…what IS that??
Greg- (throws the covers off) What the hell…
Matt hears the music and wakes up instantly. He had fallen asleep completely under the covers, and tries frantically to get out.
Matt- (from under the covers) Ah…AH…AH!!! Get it off…get it off!!
He falls off the bed in a bundle, making a loud thump on the ground.
Jesse- (smiling, stretching his arms) Ah…rise and shine!
Matt punches around under the covers, frantically trying to get out.
Matt- Mufasa…Mufasa…he’s gonna EAT ME!!!!
Greg looks over at the helpless moving blob, raising an eyebrow. He walks over to Matt and lifts up the comforter.
Matt- (still slapping the air) Ah…ah…ah!!!!!
Greg- Matt…MATT…MATT!!!!
Matt- (opens his eyes, peeing up at Greg) Oh…uh…heh…you’re not Mufasa…
Greg- Yes, Matt. That is true…
Chris- Jesse…what the hell is up with that music?
Jesse- (he turns dramatically, peering at Chris with evil eyes) Oh…my…god…
Frankie- What…?
Jesse- (starts coughing) You…don’t…know…(he gags)…the Lion King???
Chris- (thinking for a minute) Hmm….oh yeah! I remember that…I think my mom took me when I was like five…
Jesse- Uh uh…not possible.
Frankie- I think Chris is right…right?
Greg- Yeah…
Jesse- (waving his arms) No! The Lion King only came out in 1995! I remember it like it was yesterday…
*The screen fades out like on Saved By The Bell*
We see Jesse’s mom and a group of about twenty kids running through a vast desert. Jesse is a few yards ahead. They are all panting and they look rather…possessed. They carry a large banner that reads “Happy Eighth Birthday, Jesse!” A few seconds later they come to the edge of the desert. Breathing heavily and with huge smiles, they all gaze up at something. Then the view changes and we see a movie theater, with a sign “Now Showing: The Lion King”.
*The screen fades out and we hear complaints from the other guys*
Frankie- Wait a second…you are running through the desert…?
Greg- To see the Lion King…?
Chris- What a loser story…
Matt- It makes no sense, Jesse.
Jesse- Ok, ok. Fine. So that’s not the whole exact story. Let me explain…
*The screen fades out again*
We now see little Jesse run up to the movie theater snack bar.
Little Jesse- I want a thoda!!! I want a thoda!!
Clerk- You want a what?
Little Jesse- A thoda!
Clerk- How old are you, kid?
Little Jesse- Eight! It’s my burfday today!
Clerk- Your what day?
Little Jesse- My BURFDAY!!
*The screen fades out to more complaining*
Frankie- Come on Jesse.
Matt- No one’s that screwed up when they’re eight…
Chris- Were you ever in the “special” class at school?
Jesse- NO!
There is a pause as everyone looks at Jesse with that “oh come on” look.
Jesse- My mom refused to have me in that class.
The other four laugh.
Greg- I KNEW IT!! (he and Frankie slap hands)
Jesse- Relax, guys…I’m only joking.
Chris- Aw…man!
Matt- I really thought you were serious.
Jesse- YES!
Frankie- So you are serious?
Jesse- FIDDLESTICKS! No! I only meant that this is the SECOND trick in two days!!! Yes!!
Greg- Ok…do you have to tell us something about the Lion King still?
Matt- (smacks his forehead) Don’t remind him…
Jesse- OH YEAH! Well, you see-
There is a knock at the door…
Frankie- Woo hoo! Saved by the door…bell…haha doorbell!
The room gets silent.
Frankie- A heh…heh…nevermind.
Frankie walks over and opens the door, where Mrs. Raposo stands.
Mrs. Raposo- Why, good morning, Francis!
Frankie- Uh…hi, Mrs. Raposo!
Greg rolls his eyes as he gets up to go to the door.
Mrs. Raposo- Hi, sweetie! And how did my Gregory sleep last night?
Chris, Matt, and Jesse look at each other and snicker.
Greg- Um…ok…
Mrs. Raposo- Well…I was wondering if you boys would like to come to McDonald’s with us for breakfast??
Greg, Frankie, Matt, Chris- YEAH!
Jesse- The one with the playplace, right?
Mrs. Raposo- Of course!
Jesse- I’m in!!!
Mrs. Raposo- Well…we’re leaving in a half hour-
Chris- A HALF HOUR?!
Chris runs across the room and locks himself in the bathroom.
Mrs. Raposo- That Christopher…
Greg- Oh, mom, can we ask the girls to come with?? Please??
Mrs. Raposo- Oh…I guess that would be alright…
Greg- Yes! Thanks, mom!
Mrs. Raposo smiles before leaving once again. Greg slams the door and runs over to the phone next to the bed.
Matt- Dude…they are right across the hall…why call them?
Greg- This is more…
Jesse- Stupider.
Frankie- Uh…yeah…stupider.
Greg- Whatever…I’m calling.
*Ring, ring, ring*
Tory- (sleepily) Hello?
Greg- Hey, it’s Greg.
Tory- Hi…
Greg- I was wondering if you guys wanted to come to McDonald’s with us and…our families…
Tory- Sure. When are we leaving?
Greg- A half hour.
Tory- A HALF HOUR?!
Tory drops the phone. After a minute, someone else picks it up.
Melissa- Hello?
Greg- Hey, babe, it’s me.
Melissa- Hey, Greg! What’s up?
Greg- You guys are invited to join us at…drum roll please…McDonald’s!
Melissa- Oh, wow!
Greg- We are leaving in a half hour so tell everyone to get ready.
Melissa- Aw, crap. We can’t all shower in a half hour…haha that rhymes.
Greg- Well…you guys can while we are at rehearsal. Us men have to go REALLY quick I guess…
Melissa- Oh, you men. I see.
Greg- Yeah, so tell the other girls…well, Tory knows. But I gotta go cause I want the bathroom after Chris.
Melissa- Ok, bye.
Greg- Bye.
*Click*
*Click*

In the girls’ room…
Melissa- Guys, wake up, we’re going to McDonald’s in a half hour.
Meagan- (rolls over and sighs) I don’t wanna go to McDonald’s.
Anna- (pulls the covers up over her face) Me either.
Amy- (still laying on her inflatable mattress) Melissa, can you help me up please?
Melissa- Guys, Greg invited us to go with them.
Meagan- I’m up!
Anna- Me too!
Amy- I’ll make breakfast! (She strolls into the kitchen as Melissa taps her on the shoulder) Yesssss?
Melissa- Uh, the reason I woke you up was to go out to breakfast...
Amy- Oh………well, I am SO making dinner.
Meagan- (mumbles sarcastically) Oh boy…a tequito-fest.
Amy- HAHA. Not funny.
Anna- Oh please, Amy, don’t make tequitos…for the love of god…
Melissa- Yeah…I get sick after eating a few of those things.
Amy- OK!! I won’t make tequitos.
Meagan, Anna, Melissa- Promise?
There is a pause and they all start to laugh.
Amy- Mm hmm, too cute.
Tory- (opens the bathroom door and pops her head out) Guys…how much time do I have left??
Melissa- Like twenty minutes.
Tory- So I still have to find an outfit…do my makeup…do my nails…hey, anybody know a good color I could use?
Meagan- Uh, no, and frankly, I really don’t care.
Anna- Have you already showered and dried your hair??
Tory- Yep! Record time!
Melissa- Fabulous. Well, actually, the average American spends roughly five minutes in the shower each day-
Tory- Melissa, look at me. Am I the average American?
Meagan- Aw…you’re getting’ there.
Anna- Hang in there, sport!
Tory- Oh, shut up! (She closes the door again)
Amy- So…wait. Does this McDonald’s have a playplace?
Melissa- Um…I don’t know…
Amy- One sec please.
Amy walks over to the phone and calls the guys’ room.
Jesse- Hello? This is Big Bird.
Amy- (gasps) REALLY?!
Jesse- (sighs) I wish. Actually, it’s just me, Jesse.
Amy- (disappointed) Oh.
Jesse- Why’d you call, Bugaboo?
Amy- To see if this McDonald’s has a playplace.
Jesse- You think I’d agree to go to a McDonald’s without a playplace? Don’t worry, everything’s cool.
Amy- Ok…phew.
Jesse- Well, I gotta go jump in the shower. Everybody else already did.
Amy- Ok. Bye.
Jesse- Bye.
*Click*
*Click*

In the guys’ room…
Matt- I can’t believe four people just showered in like twenty minutes.
Frankie- Especially with Chris rooming here.
Greg- I know.
Chris- (doing his hair at the dresser mirror) Shut up guys. You know I have to look perfect.
Greg- Oh yeah…I forgot. I already look perfect.
Frankie and Matt roll their eyes.
Chris- Me too, but I have to put on finishing touches. Like my balm. (He hugs the little jar)
Frankie- Now, that’s a bit sad.
Matt- Just a bit.
Five minutes later, Jesse comes out of the bathroom. He is wearing white UFOs and his TJ shirt.
Jesse- Ok, I am done. How do I look?
Chris- Dude…you wear that outfit all the time…
Matt- All I did was wear it to one lousy photo shoot…
Jesse- Aw…shut up!
Greg- Matt, you’re a trendsetter.
Greg and Chris whisper something to each other and then smile at Matt.
Chris and Greg- Welcome to the club.
Matt- Um…thanks…?
Frankie- (shaking his head at Greg and Chris) Jesse my boy, I’ll take you shopping later.
Jesse- Frankie, you know I love you and all, but I don’t need…SHOPPING?!
Frankie- That is what I said.
Jesse- Like…at the mall??!
Matt- No Jesse. Like, at the library.
Greg- Don’t tease him, Matt.
Chris- You know he can’t read.
Jesse- I can too read!!
Frankie- Ok…so yes, Jesse, at the mall…
Jesse- The one with Fuzziwig’s Candy Factory?!?!
From behind Jesse, Matt, Chris, and Greg shake their heads at Frankie.
Frankie- Um…well…
Matt- I hear they closed that place down…
Jesse- WHAT?!?!
Chris- Oh…yeah…that’s right…
Jesse- Now why would they go and do a thing like that?!
Greg- My guess is too many people like you went there.
Jesse- (lowers his head) They’ve taken away…my dreams…
Frankie- You dream about candy?
Chris- (whispers to Frankie) No dude, I think he means-
Jesse- (pacing the room) All the time. Fuzziwig’s candy. Lollipops…gumdrops…those gigantic gumballs that I can’t fit in my mouth…
Matt- (whispers to Chris) Then what’s the point?
Chris laughs.
Jesse- The point, Matthew, is that those gumballs were good. And if I licked one long enough- say, four hours-
Greg- FOUR HOURS?!
Jesse- AHEM! Then I could dissolve the gumball enough so that it would fit in my mouth without cracking my jaw…(He falls to his knees) And now they’re gone…GONE!!
Frankie- (as he walks past a traumatized Jesse to the door) Relax dude, they still have your candy factory.
Jesse- (leaping up) They do?! WOO HOO!!!

***

About ten minutes later, the large group- Frankie, Greg, Jesse, Chris, Matt, Jesse’s family, Greg’s parents, Greg’s sisters, Brian, Louie, Claudia, Anna, Meagan, Tory, Melissa, and Amy- stands out on the curb outside the hotel entrance, waiting for their driver to bring the tour bus up to drive the crew to McDonald’s. Amy is teaching Greg’s sisters cheerleading moves; Jesse and his brother and sister are playing Barney Bingo; Brian, Louie, Claudia, and Greg’s and Jesse’s parents are discussing future tour plans; Frankie is showing Anna one of his favorite stoplights, Greg and Melissa are slumped against the wall of the hotel, sleeping; Chris and Tory have found a reflection in a puddle and are fixing their hair; and Matt and Meagan are showing each other their baseball swings.
Matt- So, it goes a little like this. (He swings an invisible bat)
Meagan- Ah…I see. Nice technique, good follow-through.
Jesse- HAHA! Bingo! I beat you squirts again!
Jesse’s sister- No fair!
Jesse’s brother- Mom!
Amy- Ok, girls, I love the half!! Daniella, you look like a natural flyer.
Daniella beams.
Nicole- Excuse me?! What about me?
Amanda- I’m better than both of them!
Chris- Does my hair look ok?
Tory- Of course it does, honey!
Chris- Really? No spikes are crooked or anything?
Frankie- See how the light just…vwoosh…turns green??
Anna- (yawns) Uh huh…fascinating.
Ten more minutes go by. The group is now in a cluster by the steps up to the hotel door.
Jesse- (whining) Mom…I’m bored…
Chris- When’s the bus going to get here?
Matt- I’m sure the Yankees don’t have to wait this long for their bus.
Meagan and Anna nod in agreement.
Mrs. Raposo- One minute, kids. I will call Juan and see what’s going on.
Greg- What’s the point? He doesn’t speak English anyway.
Amanda, Nicole, Daniella, and Jesse’s sister and brother giggle.
Mrs. McCartney- Now, kids. That isn’t very nice.
Frankie- I say we just leave. We’re going to be late for rehearsal if we don’t eat soon.
Melissa- Good idea, toots, but, uh, how?
Amy- (laughing hysterically) Can you imagine all of us walking to McDonald’s? AHAHAHA!
Everyone looks at Amy, and, shaking their heads, disregard her “sense of humor”.
Chris- Not walking, you twit.
Tory- PHEW!
Meagan- Jogging, right?
The group looks at her with a “what are you, nuts?” look.
Meagan- Just a suggestion…
Frankie- I know…(He looks around and sees a school bus) That school bus!
Jesse- Haha! I’m farther than you. I already know what color it is, too.
Matt- Oh my god…
Mrs. McCartney pats helpless Jesse on the shoulder.
Brian- Frankie, we can’t just steal the school bus.
Greg- Why not?
Louie- There could be reporters nearby.
Claudia, Mrs. Raposo, Mrs. McCartney- Bad press.
Chris- Oh, come on!
Matt- Can’t we be a little spontaneous for once?
Amy and Jesse- Spon- what?
Frankie- All people write about us is that we’re “squeaky-clean”.
Greg- We could be real rebels!
Melissa- My Greg…such a rebel.
Meagan- I’m in if they’ll let us.
Anna- So am I.
Tory- I am…but how clean is the bus…?
Melissa- I’m in.
Amy- Guys…actually, we’re all out. See? Trees…grass…
Greg- (shaking his head) You’re an idiot.
Mrs. Raposo- Watch your language, Gregory Frank!
Chris- See what we mean about “squeaky-clean”?
Jesse- Come on…pleeeeeeease?
All the guys give their “guardians” sad faces.
Brian- Oh…alright…
Greg, Frankie, Jesse, Chris, Matt, Meagan, Tory, Melissa, Amy, Anna- YES!
The group runs over to the empty school bus. Much to their delight, the driver has left the keys in the ignition, and they all find a seat and drive down to McDonald’s.
When they pull into a parking space (ok…more like five), everyone crowds into the aisle, all of them very hungry. Jesse is the last one off the bus. He sprints at top speed past the group and into the doors. Amy runs after him and the two dash into the playplace room and find a cubbyhole for their shoes.
Frankie opens the door for everyone.
Greg- Thank you, kind sir.
Melissa- Thankie, Frankie.
Chris- Thanks, bro.
Tory- Thanks…you’re a peach.
Matt- Thanks.
Meagan- Thanks, Galasso.
Anna- Aw! Thank you, sweetie!
Frankie- No problem!
Frankie lets go of the door and follows Anna in. Louie, not looking, smacks right into the closed door.
Frankie- (turning around) Wuh-oh.
They go in and order their food, then finding a big booth near the playplace.
Greg- I am so glad we got to come to McDonald’s.
Melissa- Why? Do you find it romantic?
Greg- Actually…no. I just like the hashbrowns.
Matt- These Egg McMuffins are so fattening.
Meagan- Oh, Ballinger. You could eat fifty Egg McMuffins before there’d be any sign of weight gain.
Anna- You’re a stick.
Chris- Yeah…dude…
Tory- But he’s right…
Frankie- Oh, get over it. Just eat.
Just then, Jesse smacks up against the glass wall.
The eight at the table scream.
Jesse yells through the glass. But, no one on the other side hears him.
Jesse- Come on in, guys!
Meagan- Say wha?
Matt- I don’t know…he’s dancing or something…
Tory- Ok…pretend like you don’t know him…(She turns away)
Chris- (still watching Jesse) Ok…dude, what are you saying?
Jesse- COME ON IN, GUYS!
Anna- Um…
Melissa- No one can hear you.
Frankie- (making the “L” on his forehead and pointing at Jesse) LOSER.
Greg- What do you want??
Jesse- COME ON IN, GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone in the restaurant turns to look at the screaming child, only to find a fourteen-year-old boy.
Mrs. McCartney, Mrs. Raposo, Brian, Louie, and Claudia are seated at a table at the back of the restaurant. Mrs. McCartney stares at her son in horror.
The manager comes up to Jesse and starts yelling something at him in Spanish.
Jesse- AH! Somebody help me! (He runs around the playplace, the manager chasing after him)
Amy- Jesse! What’s wrong?!
Jesse- (diving into the ball pit) Zorro’s gonna kill me!
Amy looks up and notices the manager’s name tag: Hidioso Faggita.