ch7

Amy- (running around the glass wall to the booth) AH! Run! Run for your life!
Meagan- Now why would we do something like that? He’s just the manager. I could go tell him off in English if you want-
Amy- NO!
Anna- Whoa. Why not?
Amy- The name tag…
Tory- Oh I know, they are so ugly.
Amy- NO! The name tag…says…
Chris- The person’s name…good job, Amy.
Amy- BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!
Matt, Frankie, Chris, Greg- They don’t understand how we communicate…
Melissa- Guys, shut up. Amy, what’s your problem?
Amy- That man’s name tag says (struggling to pronounce the name) Hid-ee-o-so Fagg-i-ta.
The eight others gasp, looking at each other worriedly.
Matt- So that means…
Greg- Dat’s Uglina’s daddy!!
Frankie- Aw…CRAP!!!
They all jump out of the booth and make a run for the door. Once out, Amy stops the others.
Amy- Wait…what about Jesse?!
Chris- Aw, he’ll live.
Greg- You’d be surprised how long he can hold his breath in the ball pit.
Frankie- Last time we came, he had us time him. What was the time, Matt?
Matt- I believe it was 58 seconds…
Meagan- A charming tale. But guys, come on.
Melissa- Don’t you remember what happened to me when you all left me with John?
The others, besides Greg, laugh.
Tory- Well…John was hilarious. Mr. Faggita…now that could be trouble…
Matt- I guess they have a point here, guys.
Greg- So we have to save him?
Melissa, Meagan, Tory, Anna, Amy- Yes.
Frankie, Greg, Matt, Chris- (groan) Oh…
Anna- Someone has to go in first…I nominate Amy.
Amy- Why me?!
Chris- You’re our first sacrifice.
Amy- Wait. No name-calling. I am not a sack of rice and you know it.
Frankie- Oh…I guess you forgot, Chris. We have to use little words with Amy.
Amy glares at Frankie.
Melissa- We are sending you in because in case you get eaten or something, no one out here will care.
Amy- WHAT?! You guys don’t love me…?
Meagan- She’s just joking. I will care if you get eaten. Who am I going to complain to when someone makes tequitos?
Anna- Yeah…that’s true.
Tory- Ok…but who should we send then?
Everyone but Greg quietly turns and stares at Melissa.
Melissa- WHAT?!
Greg- NO!
Chris- Dude, what do you care? It’s not like we chose you.
Greg- Last time Melissa was left with someone like that, I ended up kissing John.
Tory- (sarcastically) Oh…well let’s not let that happen again.
Meagan- You know you want summa dat.
Matt- I see you crushin’ on Uglina’s dad.
Greg- WHAT?!
Melissa- Come on guys, Greg only crushes on me.
Anna- Yeah, you and Britney Spears.
Greg- Shut up.
Frankie- Melissa, go.
Melissa- Uh…I can’t.
Frankie, Anna, Matt, Meagan, Tory, Chris, Greg- Why not?
Melissa- Because…because…it is a well-known fact that one should refrain from physical activity for up to one hour after consuming an Egg McMuffin.
Matt- Oh, shut up.
Meagan- That’s a bunch of crap and you know it.
Amy- Crap? Ew, where?
Chris- Up your butt…
Tory- And around the corner…
They start laughing hysterically, as everyone kinda ignores them.
Frankie- I know. I will go.
Anna- Why you?
Frankie- Because none of you have the muscle needed to go about this procedure. Only I.
Greg- What a bunch o’ baloney. I’ll go. I’m stronger than Frankie any day.
Frankie- Are not!
Greg- Am too!
Matt- Guys, shut up. I will go.
Frankie and Greg begin to crack up.
Matt- What?
Frankie- You?
Greg- Dude, what do you weigh, 50 pounds?
Meagan- Shut up! Bally and I together weigh over a hundred pounds. We’ll go together.
Anna- This oughta be good.
Meagan and Matt hold hands and march up to the doors to McDonald’s with intimidating glares on their faces.
Matt- (opening the door) After you.
Meagan- Thanks, Ballinger.
Claudia- Where did you guys go…?
Matt and Meagan- Shh!
Matt- Important business.
Meagan- We’re on a mission.
Claudia walks out the doors, followed by the other adults and younger siblings.
Mrs. McCartney- We’ll be back in fifteen minutes.
Mrs. Raposo- There’s a great sale going on down the street at Bloomingdale’s.
After they leave, Hidioso searches for Jesse.
Hidioso- MUCHACHO PEQUEñO!!! {Little Boy}
Jesse- (ducking behind a Ronald McDonald statue) AH!!!
Matt- There he is!
Meagan- Let’s go!
Hidioso turns around and spots the pair.
Hidioso- Aye caramba! Mucho jovenes…
Meagan- (whispers to Matt) Don’t worry…I took some Spanish back in the eighth grade. Watch this. (Yells at Hidioso) Tu eres muy muy feo y tu vives en la basura con tu hija y John!! {You are very very ugly and you live in the garbage with your daughter and John}
Hidioso- GRRR…NO NO, Señorita! Mi hija es bonita, y John es…pues…sucio. {No, no, Miss! My daughter is pretty, and John is…well…dirty}
Matt- I didn’t know John was a sushi.
Meagan- He’s not. Just a rare and hideous breed of Fag.
Jesse- GUYS! HELP MEEEEEE!
Matt- Oh yeah, the shrimp!
Jesse- Don’t chu be talkin’. I am taller than you.
Matt- Oh…yeah…
Meagan- I’ll getcha, McCartney. (She kicks Hidioso’s shin and ducks around him to Ronald)
Hidioso- OW!!! (He looks up and glares at the nearest person, which happens to be Matt) GRR…
Matt- I…uh…um…oh yeah you can’t understand me.
Jesse- Help! Help! Help! H- (Meagan clamps her hand over Jesse’s mouth)
Meagan- Shut up, kid.
Jesse nods, and Meagan moves her hand.
Jesse- Where’s Bugaboo?
Meagan- Outside with the other weaklings.
Jesse- Oh…
Matt- I was the only brave one.
Meagan- AHEM!
Matt- Oh yeah, and her too.
Jesse- Guys, we gotta get out of here fast!
They run out from behind the statue, and then rush out the nearest exit to the rest of the group.
Amy- Jester!
Jesse- Bugaboo!
They run to hug each other, instead smacking foreheads.
Amy and Jesse- OW!!
Matt- Yeah, we were great…
Meagan- True heroes…
Tory- (picking at her nails) Yeah, yeah. Chris and I could do better anyday.
Chris- I know, sweetie.
Frankie- Guys, I have an idea!
Anna- What?
Frankie- But that might not work…
Melissa- Well, tell us.
Greg- Yeah, cause my mom will be back soon from Bloomingdale’s.
Matt- I don’t see why they went there in the first place.
Jesse- Silly Matt! To buy clothes!
The others shake their heads.
Meagan- Tell us your idea, Galasso.
Frankie- Ok…you see that stoplight?
Anna- Oh, here we go…

***

Later that morning, back at the hotel…
The girls are in their room getting ready while the guys are at rehearsal. Melissa has already showered and is drying her hair at the dresser mirror. Tory lays on one of the double beds, looking at a hair magazine. Amy lays sprawled out on the inflatable mattress, playing around with her fuzzy mouse thing from the Store of Knowledge. Anna sits at the table in the corner, looking at Meagan’s 2000 Subway Series book. Meagan is still in the bathroom, taking a shower.
Meagan- (stepping out of the bathroom in her towel) Ok, who’s left?
Anna and Amy- ME!
Meagan- Ok, Anna, it’s all yours.
Anna flashes Amy an evil grin as she gets up out of her chair to jump in the shower.
Amy- WHAT?! Is it me or did I just get jipped??
Melissa- (walking past Amy and the inflatable mattress to grab her makeup bag) It’s you.
Tory- Wow…this bun is so cool looking…
Melissa- Isn’t it strange how the word “bun” can be used for so many things? Hotdog bun, hamburger bun, hair bun…
Meagan- Buns of Steel…
The other three look at her strangely.
Meagan- What? It’s a good tape to workout to.
Amy- I like Richard Simmons better.
Tory- Aw…I hate his hair.
Melissa- ‘Fro Boy…
Meagan- The best part of the Richard Simmons videos is the end where they show all the fat people dancing around.
Melissa- Yeah! I love that!
Meagan- (imitating the video) Mimi lost 689 pounds!
Tory- Stupid. How is that humanly possible?
Amy- Easy. You gain weight until you’re well over 700, then you diet…and workout to Richard Simmons everyday…
Melissa- Um…I don’t think that’s what she meant…
Meagan- Well, some people on those tapes are just enormous…
Amy- Like…giraffes.
The other three look at her and shake their heads.
Tory- God…Amy you’re so dumb…
Amy- I am dumb?! Well at least cheerleading burns more calories than brushing your hair!
Meagan- (under her breath) If you brush it as much as Tory, it may equal out…
Tory- Shut up!
Melissa- You’re all dumb.
Meagan- I am not dumb! I am actually active…
Amy- So am I!
Melissa- Yeah, active in the audience at football games…
Tory- Melissa, quit acting like you’re better than the rest of us!
Melissa- I’m not…
Anna- (stepping out of the bathroom) Has anyone seen my Trader Joe’s Special Blends Shampoo? I couldn’t find it, so I had to use someone else’s stuff.
Meagan- Oh, you shut up with your Trader Joe’s…
Anna- Hey! What did I do?
Tory- (leaping to her feet) You didn’t use my shampoo instead, did you??
Anna- Uh…
Tory- You didn’t…
Amy- If you used mine, it’s ok, cause I’ll just tell my mom to pick up more next time we go to-
Meagan, Melissa, Anna, Tory- Dollar General.
Melissa- Why do you shop their when you can very well afford to shop anywhere else?
Amy- I told you. The squad gets-
Meagan, Melissa, Anna, Tory- Group discounts.
Tory- Ick…how can you stand it?
Amy- I am standing right now, aren’t I?
Meagan- Actually, you’re lying on an inflatable mattress, Oh Bright One.

***

Meanwhile, the guys sit slumped against the mirrored wall of the dance studio during a break…
Chris- I’m tired.
Frankie- Oh no, not Lord of the Dance…
Greg- Chris, man, you’ve GOT to snap out of it…we NEED you!
Jesse- Be strong, Christopher…
Chris- Shut up! Why are you being so mean?
Matt- Guys, don’t be mean to poor Chris. Just because we didn’t spend our youth taking dance class shouldn’t give us reason to rack on him.
Chris- Matt! Shut up! At least I put effort into my dance moves. Jesse, on the other hand…
Jesse- WHAT?!
Greg- I guess that is true…and Frankie, man…
Frankie- Ok…what the hell am I doing wrong? What about Matt?
Matt- Ain’t nothin’ wrong with Matt Ballinger.
Chris- Riiiiight…
Greg- Best Lacrosse player this side o’ New York City…
Frankie- Oh yeah, that’s right…
Matt- I’m glad you’ve all finally come to your senses.
Jesse- I’ve had my senses all my life. All five. Guess I’m more fortunate than Ellen Seller…
Chris- Helen Keller, you dope.
Matt- And that’s not what I meant anyway.
Greg- I think I will be the first one to go solo after this group…
Frankie- Aren’t there enough Elvis impersonators already?
Greg- You shut up, Ravioli.
Matt- I wonder how many Elvis impersonators there actually are…? Oh, I suppose I could ask Melissa.
Jesse- The other day she told me where I could find blue-speckled ostrich eggs.
Chris- Just what I’ve been looking for…
Greg- Matt, how do you suppose I could find out what Derek Jeter’s eighth grade batting average was? Oh, I could ask Meagan.
Frankie- We could ask Tory what percentage of Herbal Essences is actually herbs.
Chris- We could ask Anna what Wayne Spicer’s middle name is.
Matt- Shane Spencer.
Greg- And Amy could tell us where to find a Big Bird doll at 10% off.
Jesse- (staring dreamily) She’s the best, isn’t she?

***

Back in the hotel room, the girls are still bickering…
Amy- Oh…I forgot. I need help on what to make for dinner. I was thinking Italian…
Tory- Why not ask Frankie for ravioli?
Anna- Or maybe Chris could pick up some crab.
Melissa- Why not get Jesse to buy some beef jerky?
Meagan- Greg could buy us pizza.
Tory- Or perhaps Matt could stop at Wang Chung’s for Chinese.
Amy- GREAT IDEA! I LOVE Chinese!!!
Anna- NO! I have a MUCH better idea. (She walks over and opens the freezer)
Meagan- Uh oh…
Tory- What are you doing…
Melissa- Not…
Anna- (pulling out the package with glee) Chicken Burgettes!
The four other groan and shake their heads.
Anna- It’s either this or Trader Joe’s Meatless Meatballs.
Tory- (pumping her fist) Chicken Burgettes it is!
Melissa- Woo hoo! Chicken Burgettes!
Meagan- You know, I never understood why they don’t just call then Trader Joe’s- oh…haha nevermind.
Tory, Anna, Meagan, and Melissa laugh.
Amy- Why is that funny? She had a point there. They could just call them Trader Joe’s- AW…maybe not.
They all laugh as Anna fries up a dozen Chicken Burgettes. Once they sit down to eat, there is a knock at the door. In walk the five angry guys, who immediately sulk over by their girls.
Anna- What’s the matter, Frankie?
Meagan- They rackin’ on you, Bally?
Tory- Did somebody hurt my Christopher’s feelings?
Jesse- They were mean to me, Bugaboo. To us…
Amy- I know. Same here.
Melissa- But, don’t worry, Greg.
Tory- You see, Chris, Anna’s cooked up some Chicken Burgettes.
Matt- What the hell’s a Chicken Burgette?
Anna- A great American delicacy…
Meagan- A piece of crap.
Amy- A sad excuse for a normal burger.
Tory- Might as well call ‘em Rubber Burgettes.
Melissa- Ever hear of a leather belt?
Greg- Well, yeah…
Melissa- It’s about the same consistency.
Chris- Then why the hell are you guys eating them?
Amy- They soothe the soul…
Meagan- Probably because they take so long to chew…
The girls laugh as the guys look at each other.
Frankie- Ok, I REALLY don’t get it…
Anna- Just try one, honey. (She shoves a Chicken Burgette at Frankie, who nervously bites in)
The other nine watch in suspense as Frankie chews. The room is silent as five minutes pass.
Matt- Good god, are you finished yet?
Jesse- And that’s just his first bite…
Frankie- (grabbing his cheek and mumbling with a mouthful) I hink I yost a ooth!
Chris- Say what?
Greg- Come on, Frankie, speak up. How is it?
Frankie- (spitting the chewed Chicken Burgette into a napkin) I think I lost a tooth!
Anna- Ah, that first bite. Always the toughest.
Greg- YOU LOST A TOOTH?!
Chris- Dude…NOT cool…
Jesse- No, cool! Now the Tooth Fairy will come visit our hotel room! I haven’t seen her for a couple years now…
Matt- Man…people lose teeth playing hockey, not eating Burgered Chicken…
Melissa- You mean Chicken Burgettes.
Amy- Trader Joe’s finest.
Tory- Did you honestly lose a tooth?
Meagan- Your smile will NEVER be the same…
All the girls sigh sadly.
Greg- Nonsense! We could always get him a Chicklet or two…
Jesse and Amy- Just like Mr. Wilson!!!!
Matt- Who’s Mr. Wilson?
Jesse- Aw, man, come on!
Amy- Dennis the Menace!
Chris- Sure…
Frankie- Ow…(he runs over to the bathroom mirror)
Tory- Anna, aren’t you going to go with him?
Anna- Aw…he’s fine. Probably just a sore gum. People usually experience these types of symptoms after trying their first Chicken Burgette.
Melissa- My jaw hurt for a week.
Chris- Ok…I am just LOST.
Amy- Oh, we have a map in the cupboard over there…(She starts to go get it when Tory grabs her arm)
Tory- No, Amy. Not lost like that.
Amy- Oh…
Greg- (looking at the pile of Chicken Burgettes) Well, I am not eating one of those alien flattened meatballs.
Meagan- Oh no, Greg, those aren’t meatballs.
Amy- But ya know what is?
Melissa- Well…sort of…
Amy holds up the box as the five girls chorus “Trader Joe’s Meatless Meatballs!”
Matt- Wouldn’t it be easier to call them Trader Joe’s- oh. Forget it.