from Oswald ?!?
Could a face this stupid lie?
Don't put milk in your gas tank. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but milk doesn't do a car body good.
Anytime anyone asks you to pull their finger, it's probably a trick to get them to fart. And NEVER pull anyone's nose ...
"Puke" is one of those words that some people find really offensive. Kate got pissed one time when I said it. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or beer heaven, choose beer heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I wish aliens would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I can't stand cheap people. Like Drew. It makes me real mad when he says something like, "Hey, Oswald, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $75 you borrowed, Oswald?" Man, Drew ... quit being so cheap!
You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But Lewis said what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
Let not the sands of time get in your underwear.
As you slide down the banister of life, may their be no splinters pointing the wrong way.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
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No, you're not mistaken. Some of these are from "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, but have been modified to fit Oswald. The rest are my original mental lint, though. Pity me.
