I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level,
I'm really quite busy.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a crap.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...
Time to up my medication.
Are you a ray of sunshine every day?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
___...___...___...___...___...___
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shown his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching YOU."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze in his tracks. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell again he heard, "Jesus is watching YOU."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. In the far corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" the bugler laughed. "What kind of morons would name a parrot Moses?"
The same kind of morons that would name a Rotweiller Jesus,"
the bird answered.
He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn...Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
She says, "Put that away, Curtis. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Curtis whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says,
"OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Curtis says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Curtis, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Curtis says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
MY
SITE
Last updated 10/09/99.