Kate's Do & Don'ts

Many men seem confused about what to do and what not to do when women are concerned. This list should help clear things up a little bit, and hopefully educate you guys. Please pay careful attention to the following:

  • If you promise to call, call.
  • Don't call once every hour leaving messages of desperation on our answering machines.

  • Don't lie.
  • Unless we ask you if that supermodel looks better than us. Then, by all means, lie like hell.

  • Victoria's Secret is good.
  • Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

  • DO: Just get it over with and admit when you screw up.
  • DON'T: Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

  • DO: Tell her you love her if you do. Tell us often.
  • DON'T: Tell us this when we are fighting, have just caught you doing something you should be hung for or when you want sex.

  • DO: If you want to break up with her, break up with her.
  • DON'T: act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.

  • Being attentive is good.
  • Stalking is bad.

  • Take showers together.
  • Don't take showers together only if you expect oral sex.

  • Let us give you back rubs/massages.
  • Don't finish by asking, "What's next on the rubbin' list?"

  • French kissing is good.
  • Bringing about the gagging reflex is bad.

  • Whisper to each other.
  • Don't whisper, "Can you go get me a beer?"

  • Skinny dipping can be ntersting and very sexy.
  • Don't skinny dip in her parent's pool at the family reunion.

  • DO: One word - foreplay.
  • DON'T: Two words - fall asleep.

  • DO: Sit and talk in just underwear.
  • DON'T: Sit and talk about your old girlfriend in just underwear.

  • DO: Let your friends meet her.
  • DON'T: Let your friends grope her.

  • DO: Buy her a bouquet of her favorite flower.
  • DON'T: Buy her a bag of her favorite flour.

  • DO: Let us wear your clothes.
  • DON'T: Try to wear our clothes.

  • DO: Don't wear underwear and let them find out.
  • DON'T: Let them find out by seeing butt cleavage when you bend over.

  • "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good.
  • "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.

  • DO: When in public, flirt with each other.
  • DON'T: Flirt with other people when in public.

  • DO: Love yourself before you love anyone else.
  • DON'T: Love yourself more than you love anyone else.

  • DO: Be "Prince Charming" to her parents.
  • DON'T: Rent the "Prince Charming" suit and wear it to her parent's house.

  • DO: Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be sweet to them.
  • DON'T: Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to ask for oral sex.

  • DO: Be sweet and understanding when we are experiencing PMS.
  • DON'T: Assume every time we get mad we're suffering from PMS.

  • DO: Go for a long walk down the by the sea at midnight.
  • DON'T: Threaten to throw her into the sea.

  • DO: Learn to say things in their favorite foreign language.
  • DON'T: Learn to say things in their favorite foreign language that will get either of you kicked out of any restaurant or theatre.

  • Don't complain that the rules aren't fair.
  • Do understand that the rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

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    Last updated 03/15/99.