Sex Jokes
Pooh Girl
Caught Masturebating
Wet Fart
Huge Log
Airplane Toilets
Licking Off Whipcream
Dirty Underwear
The Long Ride Home
Swimming Lessons
Pooh Girl
I have always had a serious
gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try
and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as
to divert the embarrassment.
One day after a shower, with
just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. My boyfriend was
in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking
up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you"
at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor.
At that moment, we just stared
in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in
the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on
the floor in front of my boyfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!"
and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.
I just wanted to evaporate
into thin air!! Hence, I aquired the name Pooh Girl
Caught Maturebating
I'm female 25 years old. My
most embarrassing situation happened a few years ago when I was in college.
My roomie had gone away for the weekend and I was alone. One evening,
after drinking a little wine at a party I came back to my room and decided
to masturbate. I locked my door, stripped naked, put on my earphones (blasting)
and went to it with a vibrator!
What I didn't know was that
my roomie thought I was also going to be gone for the weekend, and gave
her key to a friend in case the friend "got lucky". I was in
the middle of my "work-out", my headset blasting, my eyes squeezed
shut, when the door opened and a girl and a guy walked in!
They stood, frozen in shock
while I lay writhing on the bed. I didn't hear or see them! After what
could only have been a few seconds, something made me open my eyes! I
almost had a heart attack! They mumbled an apology and ran out! I seriously
considered a transfer.
Wet Fart
The most embarrasing moment
of my life happened when I was in the ninth grade. We were all in health
class and everyone was just sitting around quietly or sitting with their
head down on the desk, because it was the end of the year and we were
all relaxing.
Everything was quiet when I
bent over because I had dropped the pencil I was doodling with. I didn't
even feel it coming... the loudest boom wave ever heard. My nightmare:
I farted in my classroom in front of everyone.
All of a sudden everyone was
looking in my direction. They still didn't know exactly where it came
from, and I was hoping they wouldn't ever find out. I had to think quick,
so I blamed it on the girl next to me. Everyone believed me, until the
moment when I thought I would die.
First I was laughing with everyone
else. But as soon as I did, an even louder fart came out and again I didn't
even feel it coming. And all of a sudden I felt a pain... it was diarrhea.
Luckily no one heard that one
with all the laughing going on, but I got up to go to the trashcan and
everyone started laughing at me. When I had farted not just gas had come
out, and now it was all over the back of my white shorts.
"A big doodoo spot!"
this boy kept shouting out, pointing at me. This boy just kept saying
"Ooh, gross! She has shit on the back of her shorts!"
Boy was I glad it was the end
of the year. I guess God punished me for lying on the girl next to me
Huge Log
One night at my best friend's
house, right before her 16th birthday party, her family and I were sitting
down eating a nice dinner that included beans. After dinner my best friend
and I were laughing and talking about how the beans were probably going
to affect us later that night.
Hours later the party started
and everything was going great. My best friend had invited all the hottest
guys in school, including the one I had a crush on at the time. Just as
we had said, the beans surprisingly did hit me.
While running to tell my best
friend about my situation, I felt the farts coming on strongly. As I told
her, she laughed and told me to use the guest bathroom downstairs.
When I finally made it to the
restroom, I sat down in relief. I took my time assuming that no one knew
I was in there. I completed my dirty job and flushed the toilet. I noticed
that one of my logs was extremly long and was clogging the toilet.
The water in the toilet was
rising and I was getting scared. I ran out of the bathroom to get my best
friend, but as I opened the door my crush was standing right there! I
came to find out that he had overheard me asking my friend what restroom
to use and he had followed me so he could use it aswell.
We met eye to eye and he asked
me why I was in such a hurry. By that time I was red as the punch that
was being served, and knew that my vicious odor was OUT!!! Neither of
us said anything for a few seconds, then he quickly suggested that he
would go get my friend.
As soon as he turned the corner,
I ran to my car and left the party, HUMILIATED.
Later the next day I called
my best friend and explained the story. She laughed about it and told
me that a couple of guys, including my crush, had stayed after the party
to help fix the clogged toilet.
Airplane Toilets
I am a very tall man (6'10").
I was once on a flight from
Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther
tip of the South Island called Invercargill.
The plane I was flying in was
very old propellar driven thing, I think it was a C47 Goonie Bird.
The toilet was certainly not
designed for a guy my size because the bowl was against the far wall,
but the ceiling curved backwards. I found myself leaning way back like
I was doing the limbo and trying to urinate at the same time.
Being a propellar driven plane,
we hit a bit of turbulance. Because I was leaning backwards so much, put
my left hand behind me to brace myself against the door and continued
to urinate.
My left hand accidentally hit
the door latch and I fell backwards into the aisle and every passenger
turned around to see me laying in the aisle with my penis in my hand and
I could not stop urinating for the life of me.
I got back into the toilet
and composed myself. After another 10 minutes, i returned to my seat and
everyone started to applaud.
One old man thanked me for
the funiest sight he had seen in all of his life.
I have never returned to New
Zealand since
Licking Off
Whipcream
My boyfriend and I were hanging
out at his house one night, celebrating our 2 month anniversary. We had
a nice dinner, and after that we were just relaxing on his couch and getting
comfy.
Things started to heat up,
and before you knew it, we were both naked and on the floor. There was
a can of whip cream on the table and he suggested we have some fun with
it. He sprayed me with the stuff and was just about to lick it of when
his huge dog came running in.
He jumped on me and knocked
my boyfriend over and started licking the whip cream off of me! Suddenly
as if things werent bad enough, we heard my boyfriends parents' car pulling
up in the garage. My boyfriend threw his
boxers on, and right after that, his parents walked in on us!
It must have looked so bad,
it looked like i was recieving oral sex from the dog! It was a pretty
bad situation, but I t out of there right after that. Fom that day I have
never been able to look his parents in the eye
Dirty Underwear
I was nursing a nasty stomach
bug when the guy I had wanted to date for a very long time asked me out.
I decided to go ahead and go out with him even though I had been sick.
The big date came and I was
feeling a lot better, though I still had some gas and whatnot. We went
out to a nice restaurant and had a wonderful dinner. Then we went back
to his place.
Everything was going splendidly.
We were watching TV and fooling around when he got up to go pour us a
glass of wine. I had been feeling a strong urge to pass wind since dinner
and I figured that now would be a prime opportunity.
So I let her rip but something
else besides the fart came out. I felt a wet sensation in my pants and
I knew immediately that I has shit my pants. I ran to the bathroom and
took off my panties. I washed them with soap and water and buried my soiled
underwear in the bottom of the trashcan underneath some papers.
I returned to the living room,
where my date was waiting with glasses of wine. We started fooling around
some more and just when things were getting heavy, his Yorkie, Sam, jumped
right on top of us.
We both smelled a foul odor
and I looked up to find Sam had something in his mouth. Yup! You guessed
it. It was my dirty undies! Mortified, I grabbed my purse, ran out the
door, ran three blocks from his house and called a cab to pick me up.
The Long Ride
Home
A couple years ago, I was suffering
from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, brought on by stress. I've since gotten
over it and learned to deal with stress a lot better, but at the time,
I was having very bad intestinal spasms several times a day. That meant
rushing to the bathroom on a moment's notice and occasionally not getting
there in time. I found this very disturbing, particularly when it happened
in public.
Like the time I was coming
home from work. It was Friday, summer time, so I got out of work at 1:00
PM and was taking the train home. Lucky for me, and other passengers,
it was an old style diesel train with alcoves between the cars that were
open to the outside. As I sat inside the car, I felt a wave of spasms
coming on. This meant I head about a minute to get to the restroom aboard
the train. Only one or two cars on each train had them, so I started to
walk forward one, two, three cars.
When I got to the first car
and saw there was no bathroom there either, I walked back, knowing I was
on borrowed time. Up to now, the spasms had been coming in slow waves,
each more intense than the last. When I turned and began walking back,
I felt the spasms turn into a slow steady squeeze, which I knew would
continue to build until I released the pressure.
So I kept on walking, the pressure
in my bowels building as I walked. I had to get back to my car and keep
walking the other direction. At some point I knew I wasn't going to make
it to the next restroom. I was still thirty minutes or more from home.
I guess once you realize you are definitely going to shit in your clothes,
your body knows not to expend the effort to contain it. I had just entered
my car, and was only a few steps from the door, so I turned back toward
the exit so at least I'd be in the alcove in the open air when I lost
it. I turned and bumped right into the conductor, who needed to check
my ticket! I handed him my ticket and as he handed it back, I released
the entire load into my pants.
I don't think he noticed. I
just bolted through the door into the alcove and stood their for the remainder
of the trip with diarrhea seeping down my legs and into my shoes
Swimming Lessons
Today was the most embarrassing
day of my life!
I am a lifeguard, and I also
teach swimming lessons. Today was the first day of the new class session,
and all the parents of the children in the class get to come and watch
on the first day, to get aquainted with the instructors, and learn the
rules.
After finishing one lesson,
I got out of the pool quickly to speak to the parents of the children
in the following class. I was standing in front of them, telling them
how important it is to have their child use the bathroom before they come
to class, when one of the other teachers looks over at me and whispers,
"hey I think your bleeding!"
I look down, and yes, there
is a huge puddle of thick red blood at my feet, all the parents just looked
at me. I finished speaking, quickly went to the bathroom changed my tampon,
and returned to the pool, I still had to get in and teach the lesson,
with the puddle of blood still on the ground for everyone to see!
After the lesson I cleaned
it up.
What a day
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