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Mr. Hollywood the almighty god of whatever and all that entitles, who I recently met, for some reson likes the way I write..Go figure..After reading his thoughts, I realized that I do not know why he likes my ramblings but in honor of him here i go off on a tangent of things i think are important.

I talk a lot. Too much. Sometimes I talk just to hear my own voice; to prove that i am in fact still alive. I still still breathing and as long as coherent words still come from my mouth i am okay, even if it is rare that my thought are coherent now.

I feel as though I am living in a place of transition. My last chapter is finished and the new one's words are slowly forming sentences. The only thing that bothers me about this is that I am not sure where I am going or even where I have been. The only comfort I have in this place of limbo are the glitches of memories that my mind and heart will never forget.

The straight males I knoiw are boys. They are not men because they do not know how to be. They are still as selfish and as childish as they were when they were six. They know only what they want and could careless about anyone else. The have no concept of what is best for all. When they become worth loving they have become men but some boys never become men and those are the boys girls always want.

"My tongue will tell the anger of my heart
Or else my heart concealing it will break."
~Taming of the Screw

How is possible to teach people something different then what they were taught? No matter how much one argues and fight, they cannot comprehend what they are doing is wrong. They know no other way and while you try to understand where they are coming from, they are incapable of seeing your point of view and so all you can be is sympethetic. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks...but you can put it to sleep.

"Pieces of us die everyday
As though our flesh was held
Such injustice as children we are told
From God we all fell
Where are my angels
Where's my golden wand
Where is my hope now all my heros are gone"

I think those are the words. It playsover and over in my head. It takes memories lost and forgotten in the subconscious and dances them around puts it back and takes out a new one for a twirl around the dance floor of my daydreams. I listen to this song again to try to free myself but it will not break free instead it chains its self to my soul as an enviromentalist does to a tree. It stays lingering softlyy until it crescendos once again getting so loud that it is all I can hear. People in passing say their greeting but i do not hear them although i see their lips move. All I hear is this little piece of a song i heard so long ago. Until it leaves my mind a new one, a happier one, cannot take it's place.

I wrote this in a letter to a friend once but i really liked it so i share it with you now...

Lately, I have felt as though life is passing me by and I have just been plaing alive like a well trained dog. It is like I am not even trying anymore. Life is moving and I an standing still, like that music video where they put the guy in front of a blue screen and then replace the blue screen with a scene in fast forward. Who sings that? I always forget. It doesn' matter does it? In the grande sceme of things it won't matter 20 years from now who sang that. I guess that is what i am affraid of; not doing anything worth remebering and people forgeting who I am or was after it all. I have so many goals but what happens when the opportunity to reach those goals passes me by? Remember those carosels where you have to reach for the gold rings? I feel like like I keep looking away whenever I pass the gold rings.

I wrote this in a letter to my english proff...

Feb. 14, 1997
I am not sure sure my journal entries are what you are expecting or even asked for. I treid to talk to you about this today but I am not sure you completely understood me, or I did you. The students of your class are trying to lean to become better writers; but they cannot do so until they become in touch with their creative muses. The way our "journals" are supposed to be now does not deal with who we are but only how we write. I, personally, prefer to write my thoughts on life rather then my thoughts on an article in the "Washington Post." I am my own being and this psedo-intellectual that is needed to write a journal disagrees with every state of that being. What is a journal other then a cullimantion of thoughts on paper? When those thoughts are recycled conservative propaganda our muses grow tired because we have abandoned them in sake of the grade. Long after we have this class we read but rather our thoughts and feelings at the time. Maybe, you could care les about our personal traumas and accomplishments but they are what is froming who we are and will be. If you do care you will allow us to express our selves through what ever medium be it prose, poetry, or whatever. I, as a student of your colliquium class, is claiming an education. An education of creative and personal growth and therefore I will not subject myself to writing about things I could care less about.

The next class I and some of the other students of the class tried to bring his attention to the fact we were not happy...so i finished the letter later that day..

The date is now the 18th, today it may have seemed as though we, the class, were attacking you but in reality we were attepting to address our issues which until now have been ignored. We ewre trying to bridge the student teacher relationship because we feel alienated from you. Sunny left class today and many others wish they had because we are frustrated. We are trying to learn and you are trying to teach but in this time of new found independence we have become anarchists with a hatred for authority. I am frustrated that I did not deal with reason this morning; rahter, i was mad and not willing to listen. I have always prided myself on having an open mind but i cannot say i did this morning and for that I am sorry. I am not sorry though that I attepted to address the issues I thought were important.I do not have a solution to the problem of disrespect on both parts but I do know that both sides need to change to accomodate eachother's views. Until then we will be nothing more then a frustrated teacher and pissed off students.

I gave him this letter and the fact he agreed with it almost upset me..que sera sera..

Last night I had a really kind of neat dream and so I feel the need to share with all of you.

My brother was this Ghandie-esque guy up on the top of a big hill. He was dressed in robes and had a shaved head and all. He had answers to all sort of predictaments and the way he stated his solutions was almost poetic, that is if you don't get out much and peotry to you consists of storys about men from Nantucket. I asked him all sort of questions about the meaning of life and such but the only ones I really remember were, when I asked him why we do not live forever he simply replied, "You can count to eternity but it just might take a while." Smiling as if i completely understood him I asked him why I was alive. Waiting to hear a responce of "because you are not dead," I allowed my mind to trail off. When I once again begain to listen what he said was, "This life which you own is the most priceless life because it is your own. Everyday should be sacred and every breathe worshiped for as long as the sun rises and you greet it with the new day." I was amazed my brothers new insights. How many 13 year olds do you know, know the meaning of life.

Speaking of the meaning of life, my belief behind it is that no matter how much you search for enlightenment in this life you do not truely understand the meaning of life until the very second before you die...It is like WOW and then BAM you are hit by a diaper truck...It gives people something to live for i guess and it entertains god as if the meaning of life is string and we are nothing but a bunch of kittens.

My magic 8 ball has now admited to lying to me. Gosh. Why do I put so much faith into plastic and water? I guess everyone needs something to believe in. Some have Gods, some have the Tarot, i have a toy I got onsale at Target. I lies to me?!?!
yes
definately

The concept of infinity is a rather difficult one. Who really does want to live forever. I am too scared with what the future might bring. We continually ruin everything beautiful and sacred. Why is it now a problem that girls are getting pregnant at 15 or more divorces are occuring? It is because we are living longer. My sociology proff. brought this up the other day in class. People used to only live til about 50. If they were married for 15 years they could die married. Now people are realizing that they are just not happy and they still have such a life to live that they do not want to waste a moment. We are so greedy with time. Teen age pregnacy was not as big of a deal as it is today because the children raising children were not the children we protect today. Yes, the teenage generation has become desensitzed to many of the world's forces but back then they were expected to grow up faster. We are trying to protect our children from things that might hurt them. Sometimes things occur which are so unnexpected that there is no way to protect the children. Tonight, a good friend of mine found out one of her best friends from home has cancer. How do you talk to someone about something like that? It is the worst fear of everyone. Is this what we are doing to our selves in a world of bigger, faster, better? Why should a young girl have to deal with ehr own mortality in a time after society and science has expanded it. How are paretns supposed to deal with the fact their babies might die before they do? Nothing in any parenting book tells a parent how to grieve, unless it is a specialized one. When did 11 year olds start comiting suicide? How do we talk to our little brothers about why little Mikey can't come out to play today? There are so many things to fear that manifested not in my up bringing and not in my parent's but some where in the grey fading from my life to theirs. I talked to a friend and she said the one thing she wishes for more then anything on this earth is to talk to her father, a man who died when she was 4. If we lived forever nothing would ever really change because it was obviously working, but how do we change the world when things do not work right? Or is this the way it is supposed to work? Are we supposed to have to continually deal with harder and harder issues into the young generations? When do we stop having to explain to our 3 year old the gun shots he hears are not really gun shots and deny the problem. Rather, should we tell him what they were infact and why they are detrimental to our survival as a civilized society. Everyone has their wishes and I have mine. I wish for self fish things but for tonight. Just for tonight, I wish that everyone could just sleep to dream. Little Billy doesn't have to listen to his parents fight. Susie doesn't have to worry if her father is coming home, just for one night let her forget. Just for these hours of darkness light a light of hope stretch over the sky blanketing and protecting us all from our selves.

We laugh at the rain like it is just a clown doing silly tricks in the sky. I was told by a friend when I was young that it meant Satan was beating his wife. People blame God for taking their loved ones away. What if rain is really tears of the angels not yet ready to leave this earth.

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