The Journal of Nikita Cavenaugh
January 13th 1999
Somewhere in Austria
It’s hard to get comfortable. Note to self: next time you plan to run off on an aimless road trip around Europe, take a bigger car. Take a van. Take a big fuck-off truck. Just remember that you do not comfortably fit in the back seat of a Volkswagen Golf.
I’m not quite sure where I am. Austria, I know that: I remember crossing the border. But since then I’ve been driving somewhat randomly. I haven’t paid any attention to road signs; I am intent only in putting distance between myself and France. I don’t feel sufficiently removed yet, so here I am, someplace in Austria. In the back of my car, because I can’t afford both petrol and a hotel room. So no shower, no soft bed.
Remind me what I am doing here.
Stupid comment. I know exactly what I am doing here. I had two choices: stick up for myself or leave. I picked choice B. I chose the escape route option. I’m running away. Easier to turn tail and leave rather than remain caught up in my past…I’m not sure whether that qualifies me as a coward. I think so, but to stay meant risking my sanity, or worse my life, or else defend myself. And I’ve never been one to successfully stand up for myself, so why break the habit of a lifetime?
It’s 1:30am now. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I can’t get comfortable, and besides, I might dream. I can block out memories of the last few years when I’m awake, but when I sleep, they come flooding back to me. I wonder what’s on the radio...‘Everybody Hurts’ by REM. Believe me, the irony of that does not escape me. The video matches my situation: people stuck in their cars. And as for the lyrics... “If you’re on your own in this life/ The days and nights are long/ When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on…” Yeah, that’s about right. I’m definitely on my own in this life. Finally. For the first time, I have my freedom: no parents, no friends, no lovers telling me what to wear, how to act, who to be. And I’m glad of that. Aren’t I?
God, what is it about this song that forces me to reassess my life? It’s got me thinking about all the people and places that I am trying so desperately to forget. At least it’s finishing now…I hope they play something cheerful. Something filled with hope and new beginnings. Something that can hel-
Fucking boy bands. “Prices to fame” my ass.
~ Nikki
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