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Things you will never hear

Things written above a Urinal

Answering machine messages

Bumper Stick(99 / 2 / 21)

Things you'll never hear a man say

    

  1. Here honey, you use the remote. 
    2. 


  2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
    3. 


  3. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
    4. 


  4. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just like to be held.
    5. 


  5. We never talk anymore.
    6.

Things you'll never hear a woman say

    

  1. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
    2. 


  2. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
    3. 


  3. Can our relationship get a little more physical?  I'm tired of being
"just friends".
    4. 


  4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out
how to get there.
    5. 


  5. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer
dress.
    6.

Things written above a Urinal

    

  1. Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand.
    2. 


  2. We don't sell our beer, we just rent it.
    3. 


  3. Any arsehole can piss on the floor.  Be a hero and shit on the ceiling!
    4. 


  4. The future is in your hands!
    5. 


  5. Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and sink.
But I come here to scratch my balls
And read the bullshit on the walls.
    6. 


  6. Now here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid my dime and only farted.
    7. 


  7. Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to ponder
I come here to shit and stink and 
Fart like fucking thunder
    8. 


  8. Scrawled in BIG ANGRY **RED** letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"

neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
    9. 


  9. Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted
Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants!!!
    10. 


  10. Here I sit
And contemplate.
Should I shit
Or masturbate?
    11. 


  11. Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation -
Oh, the pains of constipation!

Hours have passed, I've merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!

Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can't shit a single turd?
    12. 


  12. Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
    13. 


  13. Sign in the toilet said "Please use the ashtray".
Guess what was in the ashtray?
    14. 


  14. hear I sit in splendid bliss
listening to the dribling piss
suddenly a fart is heard
followed by a rumbling turd
    15. 


  15. Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small printing...
I had to lean WAY forward to read it...
It said: "You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle!"
    16. 


  16. On a condom vending machine: "This gum tastes like fucking rubber!"
    17. 


  17. This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and it
doesn't take shit from anyone.


  18. Do not throw cigarat buts in this urinal: it makes them soggy and hard 
to light.


  19. Not now, Scotty, I'm having a shi...
    20. 


  20. Here I sit in smelly vapor
I just ran out of toilet paper
I will not wait, I will not linger
Oh, what the fuck, I'll use my finger.
    21.

Answering machine messages

    

  1. Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine.  ___ isn't home right now,
but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me.  We're VERY close
and we tell each other everything. 
    2. 


  2. (woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm
Linda.  You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model.
Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interrupting) Oh c'mon, Linda, give
me the damn phone... (then ask for a message) 
    3. 


  3. You have reached the number which you have dialled. 
    4. 


  4. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...  I mean,
like, wait, gosh.  This is so confusing. 
    5. 


  5. Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
message after you know what.
    6. 


  6. You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I 
already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after
the beep tone.
    7. 


  7. Hi, you know the drill.
    8. 


  8. Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
(After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so
please leave a message after the beep.
    9. 


  9. Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a
second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click
off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK,
sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...
(wait for a few seconds so the person calling will keep talking) well
listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll
call you back.
    10. 


  10. "Speak, worm!" (beep) Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
    11. 


  11. Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
    12. 


  12. The number you have dialled, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service, the
new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number). -- try getting some
	voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like
	the phone company.
    13.

Bumper Stick

    

  1. Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
    2. 


  2. Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
    3. 


  3. This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
    4. 


  4. Welcome to America, now fuck off!
    5. 


  5. Seen on the back of a Rolls Royce...
FUCK the Poor!
    6. 


  6. This truck has been in 15 accidents...
and hasn't lost one yet...
    7. 


  7. I FUCK GAYS, WITH MY .357
    8. 


  8. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
    9. 
	

  9. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    10. 


  10. The less hair I have, the more head I get.
    11. 


  11. Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
    12. 


  12. If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.

and the answer is

If your bumper sticker wasn't so damned small I wouldn't have to drive
so close to read it!
    13. 


  13. Why can't I be rich instead of well hung...
    14. 


  14. I love uranus.
    15. 


  15. This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
    16. 


  16. Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
    17. 


  17. Faster than a speeding ticket
    18. 


  18. Save a mouse -- eat a pussy.
    19. 


  19. I (club) my wife.
    20. 


  20. Orgasm Donor.
    21. 


  21. If your not a haemaroid... GET OFF MY ARSE!!!
    22. 


  22. I brake for no apparent reason.
    23. 


  23. Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
    24. 


  24. Help wanted... many positions available. (and showed different sex
positions)
    25. 


  25. Insured by Smith and Wesson.
    26. 


  26. Don't eat yellow snow.
    27. 


  27. Dont Follow me or you'll end up at my place.
    28. 


  28. Roses are red
Violets are blue
I want to stick
My penis in you
    29. 


  29. Man who drive like hell bound to get there!
    30. 


  30. UNFKNBLVBLE
    31. 


  31. If you get any closer I'll fart!
    32. 


  32. Drink til' he's cute.
    33. 


  33. Deep down, divers care.
    34. 


  34. FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!!
    35. 


  35. Clones are people 2
    36.

If you have anything you would like to see added to this list, please send it.

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