After we all met we headed to *****'s house. Not five minutes after we had been there everyone was all ready starting to drink. I'm not gonna denie that I drank too. I'm not quite sure how much I even had that night. I do know that it was too much. I remember I went to the bathroom and two of the guys came in there and told me to go upstairs when I was done, because that is where everyone else went.
As I came up the stairs, I was calling out to ****** one of my friends who was there, but she didn't answer. One of the guys called me so I walked into a bedroom, the next thing I knew someone was on top of me and ripping off my clothes. I didn't scream, I was too scared. I just laid there like a dead body throughout the whole thing. He forced me to perform oral sex on him, then he entered me with out a condom. It hurt really bad, and I was trying to get him off of me but I couldn't. He kept calling me a slut, and saying that I should have gone out with him, and since I didn't he would make it so that no one would want me.
See earlier that year, he had liked me and wouldn't accept no, when I turned him down. For weeks he kept asking me out, I am not sure how many times I said no. He was a druggie, and a drunk. After about 3 weeks into the school year, he had already been expled for drug use. One time I was out at night walking my dog, and he saw me. He threw me on the ground and started kissing me, I got away from him and screamed for him to leave me alone, and never touch me again. The last thing I heard him say was "I will get you back one day, you slut."
After he finished with me, he left the room and I just laid there in shock crying. As I was laying there this other guy started to come in the door. I jumped up, and locked the door. After a few minutes my friend who was there came in. She kept saying that she was sorry, and it was not my fault. She had tried to get in the room to stop him, but the other guy had thrown her down the stairs. We sat and talked for about an hour, I am so thankful she was there. At that point in time we rarely talked, but we used to be best friends so I trusted her. Once I got myself together we started to walk home.
That night after I was in my house, I think I cried for hours before I went to sleep. The next morning I still had a hangover, but I tried to get it together. I took a shower and tried to wash off what he had done to me. Up until that night I was a virgin, and he took that from me. The night I was raped I was still only 14. I spent most of that day crying, and sleeping.
After a few days I called my best friend and told her something awful happened. I went over to her house, and told her the whole story. She helped me than I think she even knows. She told me to tell someone, but I just couldn't.
At home I was a wreck because that bastard who raped me was spreading awful rumors about me. I felt so disgraced, and like it was my fault. At least half of my neighborhood must have heard what happened, but no one believed my side of the story. No, instead of believing me a 14 year old girl who had a 95% GPA, they believed a 17 year old drop out.
At the time I had a fantastic boyfriend who I did love deeply, but I thought that if he found out he would hate me. As much as it hurt I broke up with him about a week after it happened. I blamed myself, and I thought he would too.
Now months later, I still haven't told another soul. The only person that knows the whole entire truth is my best friend. Most of my friends still think that I am a virgin, and I just got sick of my boyfriend that is why I broke up with him. My parents just think I was asleep in my bed that night.
I know my parents could tell something was wrong with me afterwards, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell them. They never drink, and I was sure they would blame me. They tried making me go to a counselor, but I couldn't even tell her what happened. After awhile I quit seeing her too.
Maby someday I will be able to tell my parents and friends, but I just can't yet.
I certainly wish that this had been the end of my story, but unfortunatly it didn't happen that way. A little less than a year after I was raped the first time it happened again. I met one of Tina's counsins named Kevin who was a few years older than me. The first time we met he was flirting with me and I thought that he was pretty cute, so I was excited. The next time I saw him, he was very drunk and high, however I was not fully aware of this. After staring at me for a few minutes he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk and I said sure. Shortly after we started walking he started to hold my hand and then continued to kiss me. Then he suddenly pulled me into the woods, and threw me on the ground. I was scared to scream because I didn't know what would happen and once again I froze. I tried pushing him away and started crying hysterically, but he didn't stop. Finally after a few minutes of torture he decided he had enough and just got up and pulled me with him back to Tina's and Scott's house. As soon as we got back I headed home and took a long shower and just tried to forget everything.
I guess I should mention other things that were going on at this point in my life. Scott had been flirting fiercly with me for a few months when the incident with Kevin occured. I also had started to drink with Scott and his friends pretty often which often led to me being touched by Scott. Tina, however, was not aware of the fact that Scott had been letting me drink and flirting with me. Often times he tried to get me to do drugs with him and whenever I was there he tried to get me to drink. He also started talking extrelmy dirty with me and after awhile started kissing me after I had been drinking. I was drinking all of the time to ignore everything that was happening around me.
Of course using extreme inteligence after Kevin raped me, I started dating him. I know how dumb this sounds, but I was involuntarily trying to get Scott to leave me alone and I thought that if I was dating someone he would leave me alone. Boy was I wrong on that one. During the time I was dating Kevin, I basically let him use me and beat me around as he desired. Scott became extrelmy mean to me during this time and got much worse in regards to touching me. I was always at Scott and Tina's house because I didn't enjoy being home and I loved Tina and the kids. It got to the point however that Scott stared at me 24/7 and if we were in the pool he touched me whenever and wherever he pleased since no one could see. This continued for a little while until one day, exactly a year after I was raped the first time July 19th Scott got sick of just kissing me and decided he wanted more. I was babysitting the younger two children that day as the older one was at her grandparnets house for the day. Scott stopped by in the afternoon when both children happened to be taking naps. Seizing the opportunity he threw me on the couch and continued to rape me. When I tried to leave he grabbed my arms so hard that he left a bruise. Afterwords, he just slapped me and left, telling me how good I was in bed. Just as before I didn't tell anyone about this, as I always felt that everything was my fault. Eventually it ended with Kevin and a few weeks later Scott had his way with me once agian, this time in the garage with his childern just outside in the pool.
Luckily Scott only had the opportunity to have his way with me twice before all hell broke loose. On my sixteenth birthday I had a pool party at Scott and Tina's house along with lots of friends and alchol. Throughout the entire night I was downing drink after drink and by the time most of my friends left for the night I was completly wasted. Thinking that Tina was asleep, Scott planned to have his way again, howeever Tina not only wasn't asleep she caught him in the act. Throughtout the whole night Scott had been staring at me and even friends who were just meeting him for the first time could see how dirty and diqusting he was and that he wanted me. Well Tina and Scott got into a fight and some people drove me back to my house since I could hardly walk.
The next morning, I was forced to tell Tina what had happened. She immediatly decided to get divorced and we spent hours having emotional tear jerking converstations. Tina advised me to go back to therapy seeing as it had been a year since I had gone. Taking her advice I asked my mother to make an appoitmetn not explaining why. Tina and I continued to talk thourghout the week and she began working with a lawyer on the divorce. Lucky for me this week also fell on the first week of my junior year in highschool.
I did go to therapy and I did tell my therapist what had been going on. Once I revealed my secret she informed me that it was her professional duty to report that to social services seeing as Scott was more than twice my age at the time. Tina did not take this news well, infact the night I told her turned out to be the last time I ever talked to her face to face as a friend. Tina flipped out and told me I had ruined her life, her kids lives, my life, his life, and much more. She told me that both Scott and I were wrong and that we both made mistakes and that I had to call my therapist back and tell her that I had lied or my life would be over. She scared me to death and told me to just stay home from school and call my therapist as soon as the office opened. She just kept saying that it would all be okay and that I was fine. She told me to just forget it happened and get on with my life, to tell my friends that I had lied (I told them what happened during that week) and just go on. I went home that night and cried for hours, I had no one to talk to and the person I respected and cared about the most just told me to forget everything. I couldn't sleep and when I did manage to fall asleep I had nightmare after nightmare.
The next morning I went to school and called my therapist from my history class and sat in the hallway and cried. I tried but I just could not do it, I knew lying wasn't going to make things even better and I knew it would eat me up inside. After I got off of the phone I completly lost it and became hysterical. I could barely even breath, I forgot where I was. I knew Tina would hate me forever, and up until that point she had been my best friend for the past five years. I knew I would never get to go shopping with her again, never play with her kids, never be in her house again. When my friends and teacher saw me they knew something was terribly wrong but I could not even talk. My teacher called an administrator and they took me down to the office. A friend told them briefly what happened and then it all came out. I had every administrator in the school talking to me at once, then they told me I had to go to the police barracks and file a report. (Up unntil this point I hadn't even told my parnets yet). One of the female administrators drove me down to the police station and we met my parnets there, I couldn't even look them in the eye or stop crying to talk to them. The coroprol had to tell them what happened, then Mrs. Roof one of the prinipals went with me as I filed my report. It was awful I had to describe every single thing that happened, questions I had never even thought of had to be answered. At this point I was still blaming myslef 100% of the way. After the miserable session with the cop, my mom got to take me home. I went back to the school to get my stuff and then went to work so I could find my best friend and talk to her. We sat and talked and cried for atleast three of four hours, and then I called Tina for the last time in my life. I called her and told her what happened and hung up knowing our friendship was over. From that point on I had become her worst enemy
I would like to say that my life improved from this point on however, thats not true. Luckily I did continue going to therapy, and I spent that first weekend with my best friend in order to stay away from my neighborhood. Overnight I had suddenly been transformed into the neighborhood slut. Tina began telling people that I broke up her marriage and that I seduced Scott. Everyone I knew in the neighborhood heard the story and started giving me dirty looks and calling me awful names. At school I was harassed, people would wait for me to get to school and scram obscenitis at me when I got out of my car, and spread rumors about me. At home or school I was never free. After a few pretty severe incidents of harassment my family and I decided to move and I deicded to graduate highschool early in order to get away from all of the pain.
I continued to go to therapy and went through some pretty rough times, I had awful nightmares almost every night and began to get really depressed. As the year progressed I maintained good grades and kept trying to smile on the outside even though I was dying inside.
I eventually began exculding myself from my friends and sleeping all of the time. I had seen a psycharistrist a few times but at that point I did not want to have any thing to do with medications so I just contiuned to get worse. Eventually the lack of sleep and nightmares got to me so much that I couldn't talke it anymore and started medication.
Right around Christmas day a supenia was delivered to my house informing me that I was being required to testify in Scott and Tina's divorce trial. Immediatly my mother hired a lawyer to fight the supenia, which I am very thankful for, however the thought of seeing them in court just put me over the edge. I became comepletly secluded, and just felt like I was dying inside. I never slept anymore and I didn't even want to live. After two long months of torture I found out that I won and did not have to go to the trial however the misery didn't end there.
In March we finally moved and I no longer had to be in the same neighborhood as Tina and her family. The move from my childhood home was very tough however extrelmly benificail. With the help of therapy and medications and a new enviroment, my life has ememsly improved. I know that I can survive anything after all that I have been through in the last few years and when things get tough I know I have people who I can depend on. I have God, my family and my friends who will always be there for me.
To hear about how I tried to deal with this in the time after wards go to my journal.