When I first intended on putting my journal on this page, i thought that i would put entries from my offline journal, but when i went back and read those entries i realized something very important. In the times after my rape, i never wrote how i felt, i mainly just wrote what happened that day, so therefore i am going to just put small excerpts from those entrires in here. Just to warn you I sometimes go back and forth between the day i am talking about and when i am writting.
ok now lets go back in time to
Oh my god, you are never going to belive what happened last night. Well it all started when I was walking pixie, (my dog) and I saw some people from school, and started talking to them. After awhile they started talking about how they were going to sneak out that night, and asked me if i wanted to too. Since i had never done that before i said yes. Well anyways I left my house at like 11:20, and didn't get back until after 4. We all met and then went to one of their houses, he lived in a different neighborhood, so we spent like 15 minutes walking there.
Not five minutes after we got there everyone was already starting to drink. We had vodka and pink lemonade. I am not really sure how many of those i had had when everything starts to go black. (looking back i am pretty sure that they put something in one of my drinks, i have heard that they did from some of the people who were there.) Bye maby like 1:30, i was drunk or what ever out of my mind.
From here on the bad stuff started to happen, I have blacked most of it out, so please excuse all of the gaps. I somehow ended up upstairs lying on a bed, then a few minutes later he came in. He started by stripping of my clothes,
i'm sorry but that is all i can bare to write, most of this is in My Story if you want to read the rest.
i can't believe that happened, i feel so dirty, i can still smell him, i just want to shower, and wash away this memory. he didn't use a condom, what if i get pregnant. oh my god, what if people find out what happened. what if Andy finds out, he will think i cheated on him. i feel so ashamed, i know this is my own fault. i should have never snuck out, god i am soo stupid. i am such an idiot.
i just took a shower, i still feel dirty though, man i am still wozy, thank god no one is home. (everybody was at work) i can still barley walk straight, i wonder how long this will last. i can't believe this happened, i always thought that when i lost my virginity it would be to someone i loved.
i went over to lillians yesterday (my best friends), i told her everything that happened. She thinks that i should tell my parnets, but i just can't do that. i didn't tell her about him not using a condom though, i am soo scared. i don't care what she says this whole thing is my own fault.
i am soo mad i had to work last night and like everyone there has heard about what happened, of course the story the know is way different than what really happened. I think most of the neighborhood knows too. When I was at work I was denying that anything happened, but then someone noticed all of the bruises on my arms, and stuff. I am telling everyone that it is a lie, and hopefully since I usually don't do stuff like that they will believe me. I mean I get all A's in honors classes, and he is a highschool drop out. so of course you would believe him.
i did it, i broke up with Andy. It was really hard, I like him soo much, but I know he wouldn't understand. He got mad when I told him before that I drank at one party, so I know he will think it is my own fault. He was really mad when we got off of the phone. I can understand why he was mad b/c i couldn't even make up a half-ass excuse.
Last night I had a dream I was pregnant, in labor, and i had a baby boy. I named him Anthony Sebastian mom was there, and so were some of my friends. I am soo scared, i want to buy a pregnancy test. Mom and dad are going to kill me if i get pregnant.
I wonder if you can cause your period to stop b/c you are stressed out. I still haven't gotten mine, i was due for it like a week ago. I have never been so scared in all of my life, all i can think about is "what if i am pregnant?" i am not even 15 yet. I spent a ton of time on the internet this week looking up pregnancy web-sites, reading stories, and learning about the first signs of pregnancy. Most of the time I don't want to be pregnant, b/c i think about mom and dad, but at other times i do. In my dream the baby had the same initials as me ASW. If i did get pregnant i would want to nurse it b/c that is best, but i don't know what i would do about school.
I'm really getting scared that i might be pregnant. I have been peeing a lot, my boobs are soar, and i am breaking out badly. IF i am pregnant than i am like 4 weeks along. I know i am not ready to have a baby, i mean i have been babysitting for years, but having a baby is a whole different thing. One site on the internet said that i would be due in April.
I still haven't gotten my period, I was due almost 3 or 4 weeks ago. The other day i was nauseas for awhile. I would be due on April 9th, 1999. The guy i babysit for has been scaring me. Everytime i go swimming over there he watches me dress and stuff. He is always staring at me, and the other day he was asking me stuff like what kind of underware do you ware. it is freaking me out.
Mom made me go to a counsler. My first appointment was today, i don't like it. I have to go again next week.
Thank god, i finally got my period today. I was really dizzy all day long, and i had a really bad headache though. I still hate going to the counsler lady, it sucks. She is nice, its just i don't feel like i can tell her anything. I hope i don't have to go much longer.
School started yesterday, my schedule is going to kill me this year, i have 5 honors classes. My ex-boyfriend is in 4 of my classes, he is so mad at me. I tried to talk to him, and he just treated me like shit. Cross Country is going good, i think i might be anemic b/c i have been real tired, and i don't eat much iron.
I went to a football game the other day, and guess who i saw there. the guy who raped me, i saw him and his friends pointing to me and saying stuff. i hate him soo much. Most of the people in my neighborhood heard the story (well his side) and thank god they don't believe him.
Mr. X (my ex-boyfriend Andy) was actually flirting with me today. Maby he isn't mad anymore. I want him back soo bad, i didn't break up with him to hurt him, i did it b/c i counldn't handle it right then. I think if we got back together, and i told him he would understand.
healing must take a lot longer than i thought it would. we went to grandma's house last weekend and the entire time i kept having these flashbacks about it. i feel like it was my own fault, that is all i can think about. i talked to andy on the phone the other day, and he kept asking me what happened. i wanted to tell him i really did, but i counldn't handle it if he blamed me like i blame myself. i know he knows that it was something bad, but he doesn't know excatly what.
Mr. X is an ass hole. i asked him to homecoming and he said yes, and then a few days later he wrote me a corny letter saying he just wanted to be friends, but i know it is b/c he is going with some short, ugly, freshman cheerleader. i was really mad at first, but now i am going with this guy Vince. I met him at the fair, b/c he is friends with one of my best friends. He wanted my number, and we talked for awhile, than i asked him. I feel bad b/c he goes to a different school, and his homecoming is the same day as ours. He is really cute, and sweet. Mr. X heard me talking about him, and he looked jealous. Ha Ha Ha.
I like Vince a lot we talk on the phone almost everynight. I went to see him at a band competition the other day, it was fun. His friends are nice too, i can't wait for homecoming.
I had more nitemares last week. All week i felt like someone was breathing on my neck or staring at me. I was really jumpy, i kept remembering how he smelt or the way he looked and it gave me chills. i hate him for what he has done to me and my life. i have had to lie to so many people b/c of him. it hurts me when i have to hurt them, but i do it to save us both hurt. my life is soo confusing. i think somebody cursed me in 1998. this year i hurt my back badly which made doing track and cross country very painful, was raped and had to worry about pregnancy, my parnets almost got seperated, and all of my guy trouble. i swear it is a curse.
Homecoming was soooo much fun, Vince picked me up and then we stopped by his house and i met his mom she is really nice. We ate dinner at Applebee's it was fun, but this old creepy guy was staring at me. We got to the dance a little late, but it was fun. We got pictures and then danced the night away. He is a fantastic dancer, i wanted to kiss him, but everytime i got ready to i just couldn't. flashbacks of last summer would go through my mind. I like him a lot, but i know he could tell something was wrong, but he didn't ask what. i hope he doesn't think it was him.
On a good note for Cross Country we are 9-0 right now. Being a new school and all if we go undefeated the whole way we will be the first team at our school to do that. I have ran some good races, and others in excruciating pain from my back.
Guess what we went undefeated for Cross Country 11-0, we won S.M.A.C (southern maryland athletic conference), placed 3rd in regionals, and 9th in states. We went to the Northeast regional Cross Country Championships in NY too. I couldn't run b/c i being the idiot that i am tripped on an esclolater at FAO Shartzt. I got to ride in an ambulance, and i met Toni Braxton at the hospital. I did run in S.M.A.C, Regionals, and states though. New York was fun, i hope we go back next year too. Indoor track already started and is going pretty good.
For awhile i talked to vince, and we went out a few times, but with him going to a different school, and having a long distance number we slowly just stopped talking to each other. I started to like one of my friends Danny who ran cross country and indoor with me, but i think it is better we are just friends b/c i still don't think i am ready to start really dating again b/c i pull away when stuff starts to happen. common illnesses, etc...
Latly i have started to write pomes all of the time, they help me express what i am trying to say or what i am feeling. it helps me sort out my feelings about rape, friends, guys, and life in general. i posted most of them on either this page, or my other page. i have gained a little more weight now. I have been getting really dizzy lately, for like 3 or more weeks now, i have always been dizzy. Sometimes it is really bad, it is hurting me in school b/c i am always so tired, and stuff. I had some allergy attacks and i had to go to the hospital so i have to go and get a buch of blood work done.
Well we got the results from the blood work and i have to go get more tests done. i don't know what is wrong, but i know that it has nothing to do with my allergies. Right now i am in drivers ed, and i have to wait for it to end before i can go get the rest of the blood work done.
After like 8 months of not telling anyone about what happened, i have decided to tell someone. I told this lady that i babysit for, Tina. She is like an older sister to me, i spent most of my summer at her house last summer, and i feel comfortable telling her almost everything. It felt good to talk to someone who understood what i was saying b/c a lot of stuff that has happened to me also happened to her. She totally understood what i was feeling, and she helped me a lot. When she told me things that happened to her it made me realize i wasnt' alone. I am soo glad that i decided to talk to her. Now 2 people i know face to face know, and a girl that i e-mail all of the time knows too. She found out after i gave her the address for this page, and she has been really nice and helpful too.
From the time after I was raped to now, I think I have gained atleast 15 pounds. I know this, but in someways I don't care, and then in others the fact just adds to my misery. I used to be 5'8 and weigh just like 120lbs, now i weigh almost 140lbs if not that. I hate this, but i feel so worthless. I really want to lose the weight before the summer b/c i don't want people to see how fat i am. With the clothes i wear now, you can't see excatly how much i have gained. I try to act out-going and happy on the outside, but the truth is i am miserable. i hate my life, i feel like the only reason i am here is to see how much more i can suffer. When I go shopping with my skinny friends, I get soo jealous. I swear they all have a 21 inch waist, and their stomachs are preferctly flat. I used to look like that too, and now I don't even compare to them.
wow i have amazingly had a ton of visitors to my page this week, and many have asked for me to clairfy somethings. i am supposed to be going to the doctors either tommorrow or early next week. i had some blood work done a few weeks ago b/c of major allergy attacks and something was wrong that was not allergy realated, and i was supposed to go back, but i haven't been yet. well i g/g i just had to post before i got more e-mails. bye (ps. i like hearing your advice so don't stop sending it :)
i went to the doctors today to get some blood work done, and they were pretty rude. i didn't really get to talk to a doctor, but i did find out a little bit. i had to get more tests done b/c i had a borderline low thryoid level, and that can sometimes cause weight gain (even though i don't know why).
i just want to claify a few things, that i know must confuse people. When i was first raped i thought of all of these what if's, what if i get pregnant, what if everyone finds out, what if no one belives me. i contined to worry about most of them for awile, b/c i kept having nitemares. i eventually started to forget, and even though my periods were wacky, i thought it was b/c i was stressed out and stuff. i didn't think there was a chance i was pregnant b/c i mean i was getting periods even though they were very light. A few months later (i think i would have been 4 or 5 months along) i read a few stories about teenage girls who didn't know that they were pregnant until they delivered. After i read what they had to say, i started to compare myself with them. Many said that they had irregular periods so they didn't think much if all the sudden it was really light, others may have gained a little weight, but it wasn't enough to be obvious.
i hate stress, i think i am always stressed out over something. As most of you already know this has been a very crazy year for me, and it isn't getting any better. Lately i am begining to realize that i have grown apart from all of my friends, i never spend time with them, and the truth is i really don't want to. My best friend is no someone i never talk to and when i do i don't even hear what she has to say. i guess you could say my friends and i have been growing up this year, and that means growing apart. i miss how everything used to be, but i know things will never be like that again.
just a side note, but i am worried. i have been steadily gaining weight all year as most of you know, but in the last 2 weeks i have gained atleast 4 more pounds. i don't understand it, i have been working out too, i just don't get where all of this weight is coming from. i also haven't gotten my period this month yet (i was due like a week ago.) Another weird thing is a few weeks back i kept getting really dizzy and it has started again. These last 2 or 3 months i have been more tired than i ever was before in my life. It is like i always have no energy, i have been trying to get to bed early, but i wake up even tireder. i don't know what is wrong with me anymore, i just don't.
Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. Well lets see, school is almost over, and I can't wait this has been the worst year of my life. I keep thinking things will get better, but I keep feeling worse and worse. Sometimes I think I am going to explode from not being able to talk to anyone. No body understands, I just want to scream and say LISTEN TO ME!! I need somebody, but I haven't found them yet. I have spent countless hours crying and alone. I can't keep going on like this. A part of me wants a guy to have and to hold, but I can't even let anyone get close to me. If a guy even trys to flirt I just freeze up, and start remebering things that I would rather forget. At night I dream about just going out and having sex with somebody to get over my fears, but then I wake up and feel even worse. Other years have been hard, but this year beats all. I can't wait for school to end, because I just can't take anymore. c-ya later
One year!! I can't even begin to explain to you how strange it feels to say that I was raped one year ago today. This last year has been the hardest and longest of my life. I spent countless nights tossing and turning and days just trying not to cry. My friends noticed the mood swings and that something was wrong, but they just didn't know. I want to say that I have grown so much stronger, but that just isn't the truth. I'm going to keep trying though. During this last year walls built up between my mother and I that can never be torn down. This week has not been easy, but I know I can make it. I hope that this year is much better, well thats all for now.
Well summer is offically over and school starts on Monday for me, I can't believe it. This has been a trying summer for me, but now it is over. I don't know if I ever mentioned him (Kevin) but yes I did sleep with him twice. I never really liked him that much, but I just felt like for once I was going to decide who I slept with. I didn't want some one to decide that for me. I had a sweet 16/pool party and I took my test to get my liscence which I will tell you about later. For now I just wanted to say that I am doing fine and dandy. This last week I read "Reviving Ophelia" and I have to say that is a great book. I would recommend all adolecence girls read it. Well this is enough for today I will write back after school gets into session.
I know you most likely think that I have been slacking, but everytime I have tried to update my computer has crashed. There is a lot to talk about that I haven't mentioned yet. When I first started this journal, I occasionally mentioned this family I babysat for. I mentioned how the father would stare at me when I was swimming, and how he made some unapporpirate comments toward me. Well over the last summer, things got a lot worse than that. I got into drinking, and I started to drink over there about once a week. He would allow me to drink, and then make passes at me. At first I just ignored it, and forgot about it when I was sober, but then things progressed. He started touching me, kissing the back of my neck, making faces at me, and everything. I did not tell anyone. I just let it happen, and ignored it. One day things went to far, and even though I tried to stop him it didn't work, he raped me. I didn't tell a soul about this for atleast a month and a half, and then it came out. I had my 16th birthday party at their house b/c I was really close the the kids, and his wife. She used to be a sister to me. At my party, I drank as usual, and he continued to hit on me. By the end of the night, I didn't even notice and his wife caught him. The next morning I told her everything that had happened, and she seemed really supportive. That week was the first week of school, and I told a few people what had happened. Mid that week, I went back to my therapist whom I had not seen for over a year, and told her what had happened. As part of her job she was forced to call social services and I started freaking out. When I told Tina she immediatly told me that I had to call my therapist and tell her I had lied, tell my friends that I had lied, etc.. I had to do this or I would cause her 3 children to grow up with their father in jail. I would make my life and their lives miserable. The next morning at school I called my therapist and treid to lie, but it didn't work. I couldn't do it, and just ended up hysterical. I could not stop crying. They called an administartor, and I had to say what had been going on. Then they took me to the police barracks, and I had to tell a detective what happened. My parnets found out what happened there. I called Tina from work that afternoon, and that is the last time I have talked to her. She was angry, she hated me. Since then my life has been a constant nitemare. Since Tina was mad at me she told the neighbors that I broke up her marriage and had an affiar with her husband. I was harassed at school and at home. We decided to move, and I have since decided to graduate highschool a year early. Well that is enough for now, I will wb with the rest of the story asap.
School is almost over, I cannot wait. I am so sick of highschool. Now I just have 5 weeks of summer school, and then I am officialy done and off to college. Things are getting better, but life is still really hard. Depression is something I feel like I will be fighting for a long time. I started writing poetry again, and I have added like 15 poems to my pages. I also updated some stories and added some new ones. I get so exhausted sometimes that I feel like I can t go on. Recently I found out some of my other friends have gone trhough things like myself. One friend was raped by a friend, another molested by her brother, and still another almost raped. Too many awful things happen in this world, it is soo sad. I hate how this is my life, I never imagined I would have so much to deal with at 16. Its sad. I hate Scott for everything he did to me. For five long years I endured his pain, and the entire time I was in denial. I was raped by 3 different people during that time, 3. I am so confused it is not fair. While my friends have innocent crushes and boyfriends I am stuck with these memories. I hate this feeling of miserableness. It sucks. Summer is hard for me since I always spent my summers with Tina, and Scott. July 19 is going to be hell. I really miss Tina and the kids. I wish I knew how they were, I was riped out of their lives and just thrown away in a day. I never got to tell them goodbye, and they were family to me. I never got a chance while Scott who caused all of this still gets to see them, it is so unfair. Well I suppose that is enough for now, wbs
College is awesome!! I have been at SSU for a few weeks now and I am loving life. Summer school in order to graduate early was interesting. I met vary unique people in my class. However applause is welcome I not only graduated a year early with a diploma, I also earned a Certificate of Merit. I was seventh in my class and my cumulative GPA was 95%. Due to AP courses I will be a sophomore in college in the spring at the age of 17. I have great classes, and have met fantastic people. Since I have last written, I have been baptized, and temporarily quit therapy. (My therapist is back home) I have met some of the nicest people ever in a group called Student Impact on campus and I have been having a ton of fun with these people. I also have a new crush, if you want to call it that. I met an incredible guy through Student Impact and he is a junior. Things are pretty complicated between us right now, so I will write more when something permanent is established. My brother has transferred to SSU, so I see him quite often. I haven t been home since I got to college. At this point in time, I just don t feel the need to go home, I prefer staying on campus on weekends. July 19, 2000 my lovely anniversary was just fantastic. Hence the sarcasm, I cried a lot and spent time with friends, for anyone out there, I know how painful that day can be so just surround your self with loved ones and you will be okay. I highly recommend college to anyone out there, however, I must advise you to be careful when you are a freshman. Also don t go completely crazy, it s a freshman thing, everyone does at least one stupid thing, don t let your one mistake ruin the rest of you life. Peace out :)
I am still enjoying college life even though it can be stressful at times. I finally added the rest of my story to my my story page today. I am very proud of myself for that one. Since I got to college I have made some great friends and met an incredible guy. I can finally see that I am no longer just a victim, I am now a survivor and God is here with me helping me raise higher and higher. I feel so much stronger than I used to, even on bad days I know how much I have to be thankful for. I never thought that i would come so far in such a short time. yes, I was raped by three people and that is a part of my life, but it is not my entire life and I no longer allow that fact to control my life. Well I am truly becoming an official college student seeing as I have been putting off doing homework for the last three hours, but I think I will now get some work done. peace out and believe in yourself :)
Wow, do I have some great news or what. When I first got to school, I decided to write Tina a letter hoping to heal the wounds in our friendship. I admit this was an extremely hard thing to do, but I did it, and approximately two weeks after writing the letter, I finally got the nerve to actually mail it. In my letter, I told Tina what had been happening in my life throughout the past year, and let her know that she was still in my thoughts and prayers. I explained that part of me just had to know if she was doing okay, and if I did the right thing in telling her about Scott last year. I talked about how much I had missed her and the kids, and expressed how much I still care for them. I also enclosed one of my prom pictures, just because. A month or so had gone by, and I was wondering if she even received my letter, when I received an interesting piece of mail. A few days ago, I received a card with a long letter from Tina. To my absolute delight I learned that she was taking college classes, dating a fantastic man, and the kids were doing great. Tina also expressed many of the same emotions as I had in my previous letter, she was thrilled to hear from me, and glad to get the opportunity to speak with me again. Seeing as I was in a state of complete extasy, I decided to write her back ASAP, which I did. I have to mention this, seeing as in the past I have expressed un-kind feelings towards her, and want to clear the air as well as express my happiness. Tina was a very important part of my life for five years, suddenly she was torn out of my circle of friends and we were both left to defend for ourselves. The mistakes of one man caused dramatic changes in both or our lives, and we have moved on. At one time we could both be considered victims, but now we are survivors. I just want everyone out there to know that God has a purpose and if you give him time he will heal you and you will see what his purpose was. In my life, I know that Gods purpose was to free a family from a lifetime of horrors, give me the chance to help others, test and develop a friendship, and give two women the opportunities they deserve in life. My prayers have been answered, and I just want to thank all of you out there who took the time to pray for me throughout the past year, because God was listening, and due to those prayers I am now surrounded by complete joy.