A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.
 
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front.  He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.  She agrees and a very close match ensues.  She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all, it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time.  "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything."  He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again.  He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day.  Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.  Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.  This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned:  dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard!
"You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"

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Mother in law jokes

Husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electrical."   The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

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The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep.  Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."

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At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man: "Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law."
"Yes, I know...  that's why I'm crying."

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Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

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Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool.  He is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

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Two neighbours were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law." The other asked, "Did you put it to sleep?"
"No, of course not," said the first, "I had its teeth  sharpened."

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My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street. "Oh, that's terrible"   "Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."

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The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."

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Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly  hurt. husband : Oh, Damn! That clock has always been slow.

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Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts

THE DIFFERENCE

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

THE STYLE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

RELATIONSHIPS

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women.   For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.
Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential").

For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy.
So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

LOVE

The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it is not necessary to understand her.

To women, love is an occupation.
To men, a preoccupation.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired;
Woman because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 HUSBANDS

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy :-
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

WIVES

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Husbands are like cars :  all are good the first year.

THE BATTLE

A woman has the last word in any argument.   Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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A Picture's Worth...
 
         A little old man came into the store holding a torn, green, vinyl double picture frame with pictures of a young couple inside. The frame had been damaged and was torn down the centre. It looked like someone had tried to repair it by using stiff, letter clicker tape, which was unsuccessful. In fear of causing more damage the man brought it to the frame shop. The expert framer was not able to repair the frame. I could not help but overhear the request, and I asked if I might take a look at the frame. I was not really sure what I was going to do, but I asked him if I could keep the picture frame overnight. The man sighed and said yes. He bowed his head as he walked out the door.
         I carefully removed the stiff tape and glued the fragments back together. Next, I applied an artificial binding and cosmetically repaired the outer surface with a little bias tape and DMC floss.
         The next day, the little old man came into the store and I handed him the frame. As I looked at him I said, "No charge." I paid for the supplies out of my own pocket. He was impressed by the craftsmanship and he started to cry. The pictures were of him and his wife. He pointed to the picture and said, "This is my wife, she just passed away. She put this frame together in the 1920s and I was so afraid it was ruined." As a result, tears came to my eyes and I said, "Well, you come back to see us anytime."
    As he walked out the door, he said, "I will never forget you, Christine."
         He walked into my life at a time I was feeling uncertain about my job and I wanted to quit. He made me realize where I needed to be and what purpose my life really held. It is so much of a blessing to give from the heart. What that little old man did for me meant more to me than I could ever express. Later that year, I was quickly promoted to a high-paying position as a craft co-ordinator. Sometimes, God brings people into our lives for a reason. I don't even know his name, but I will never forget my little picture frame man.

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Two Families

    One family, which had emigrated from Japan and settled at the turn of the century near San Francisco, had established a business in which they grew roses and trucked them into San Francisco three mornings a
week.
    The other family was a naturalized family from Switzerland who also marketed roses, and both families became modestly successful, as their roses were known in the markets of San Francisco for their long vase-life.
     For almost four decades the two families were neighbours, and the sons took over the farms, but then on December 7, l941, Japan attacked Pearl Harbour. Although the rest of the family members were Americans, the father of the Japanese family had never been naturalized. In the turmoil and the questions about internment camps, his neighbour made it clear that, if necessary, he would look after his friend's nursery.
It was something each family had learned in church: Love thy neighbour as thyself. "You would do the same for us," he told his Japanese friend.
     It was not long before the Japanese family was transported to a barren landscape in Granada, Colorado. The relocation centre consisted of tar-paper-roofed barracks surrounded  by barbed wire and armed guards.
     A full year went by. Then two. Then three. While the Japanese neighbours were in internment, their friends worked in the greenhouses, the children before school and on Saturdays: and the father's work often stretched to 16 and 17 hours a day. And then one day, when the war in Europe had ended, the Japanese family packed up and boarded a train. They were going home.
     What would they find? The family was met at the train depot by their neighbours, and when they got to their home, the whole Japanese family stared. There was the nursery, intact, scrubbed and shining in the sunlight - neat, prosperous and healthy.
     So was the balance in the bank passbook handed to the Japanese father. And the house was just as clean and welcoming as the nursery.
     And there on the dining room was one perfect red rosebud, just waiting to unfold - the gift of one neighbour to another.

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Love Is Stronger . . .
 
         Having a goal based on love is the greatest life insurance in the world.  If you had asked my dad why he got up in the morning, you would have found his answer disarmingly simple:
        "To make my wife happy."
         Mom and Dad met when they were nine. Every day before school, they met on a park bench with the homework. Mom corrected Dad's English and he did the same with her math.
         Upon graduation, their teachers said that the two of them were the best "student" in the school. Note the singular!
         They took their time building their relationship, even though Dad always knew she was the girl for him. Their first kiss occurred when they were 17, and their romance continued to grow into their 80s.
         Just how much power their relationship created was brought to light in 1964. The doctor told Dad he had cancer and estimated that he had six months to one year left at the most.
         "Sorry to disagree with you, Doc," my father said. "But I'll tell you how long I have. One day longer than my wife. I love her too much to leave the planet without her."
         And so it was, to the amazement of everyone who didn't really know this love-matched pair, that Mom passed away at the age of 85 and Dad followed one year later when he was 86.
    Near the end, he told my brothers and me that those 17 years were the best six months he ever spent.
         To the wonderful doctors and nurses at the Department of Veterans' Affairs Medical Centre at Long Beach, he was a walking miracle. They kept a loving watch on him and just couldn't understand how a body so riddled with cancer could continue to function so well.
         My dad's explanation was simple. He informed them that he had been a medic in World War I and saw amputated arms and legs, and he had noticed that none of them could think. So he decided he would tell his body how to behave. Once, as he stood up and it was evident he felt a stabbing pain, he looked down at his chest and shouted, "Shut up! We're having a party here."
         Two days before he left us he said, "Boys, I'll be with your mother very soon and someday, some place we'll all be together again. But take your time about joining us; your mother and I have a lot of catching up to do."
         It is said that love is stronger than prison walls. Dad proved it was a heck of a lot stronger than tiny cancer cells.
         Bob, George and I are still here, armed with Dad's final gift.
 
              A goal, a love and a dream give you total control over your body and your life.
 
by  John Wane Schlatter

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Rental

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  So they did.  Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a  check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that  the  whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.  Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!

He paid the $500 RENT.

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Business Minded

Before going to Europe on business, a China man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested
collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote
out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
 
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

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Argument

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
     "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
     "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
     "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
     "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
     "No you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
     Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful     person in the world, Merlin said so."
     In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
     In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"