19th Century Love

Romance was an important aspect in the Victorian age. Many things went into a courtship, and many rules had to be followed. Step back in time to when the women carried fans and the men always behaved as gentlemen.

Preparing for Marriage

From a young age a woman was groomed for marriage. She was trained in the skills that every eligible young lady was supposed to have at the time: music, French, needle-work, painting, and poetry to name a few. She was also trained in all the rules of young ladies and socializing with young men. She was trained to look for a young man who was: unselfish, upright, industrious, wealthy, patient, affectionate, and piteous. He should have fine ideals and be 10 years older then she was.

The Rules

Just because a gentleman had been introduced to a lady for the purpose of dancing did not mean that he could assume to speak to her another time or place. This would be improper! If a gentleman met a lady he wished to become better acquainted with, he was to make subtle inquiries to find a mutual friend who could introduce him.

One thing that was permitted at social events was flirting. Subtle flirting techniques including using various personal accessories such as fans, parasols and gloves to convey messages of interest or disinterest. Once formally introduced, the gentleman could offer to walk a young lady home by presenting her with a card that asked if he could be her escort. The woman could then weigh her offers and present her own card to the gentleman she liked best.

Victorian dates were almost always supervised in some way. A woman was never to go out with a gentleman late at night. In fact, it was considered extremely impolite for a gentleman to stay late at a woman's home. A gentleman could only call on a lady with her permission. When saying good night, the girl was never to go farther then the parlor door, instead, a servant would see her suitor out.

One of the most romantic aspects of a Victorian courtship was the written word. Not only did women keep a diary of the courtship, but both partners exchanged romantic letters. They also exchanged lockets, antique coins, portraits, poems, sketches and locks of hair. The following actions were considered extremely rude in the presence of company; crossing your legs, adjusting your hair, winking your eyes, laughing immoderately, beating time with your feet and hands, shrugging up your shoulders, placing your hand upon the person with whom you were conversing, and looking steadily at someone.

Suitability Rules

Those with gray, blue, black or hazel eyes should not marry those of the same color. Where the color is pronounced, the union should be with those of a decidedly different color.

Those with thin, wiry, cold blooded, prominent features should marry round- featured, warm hearted and emotional types. The cool will unite the warmth.

Those with bright red hair and a florid complexion have an excitable temperment and should marry those with jet-black hair or a brunette.

The curly-haired should unite with those that have smooth straight hair.

The extremely irritable, nervous person should unite with the sympathetic, slow and quiet type. This way, the excitable will be quieted by the gentleness of the other.

The quick -motioned, rapid speaking person should marry the calm and deliberate type.

Those who don't fit into specific categories (not short nor tall, not brunette nor blond) who are more of an average type, may marry those who are similar in form to themselves.

Flirting with Fans

Since strict social codes limited flirtation and verbal expression in Victorian times, ladies often used their fans to communicate their feelings. Here's a look at what some of the popular fan movements meant.

Fan slow: I am married or engaged
Fan fast: I am independent
Fan with right hand in front of face: Follow me
Fan with left hand in front of face: Leave me
Fan open and shut: Kiss me
Fan wide open: Love
Drawing it across the forehead: We are watched
Letting it rest on the right cheek: Yes
Letting it rest on the left cheek: No

The Engagement

A Victorian woman did not have to accept the first time a man proposed to her. Instead, she was to be allowed time to make up her mind. She was advised to be coy in the matter. If the woman accepted the proposal, her suitor then went to her parents for approval (not the other way around). To symbolize their intent to marry, Victorian men and women exchanged rings or other love tokens. Long engagements were not recommended in the Victorian era, lest the lovers find imperfections in one another!

Now, the gentleman was in the most delicate position and was expected to be above reproach (as was the lady). The gentleman was expected to be on good behavior at all times. During the engagement, the young man was permitted to offer small presents to his bride-to-be, provided they were not too personal. Flowers and romantic cards were always appropriate.

return to the main page

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page