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Acceptance of a void is such a multi-layered gradual process...In any relationship - in life - we open so many windows to live from... and it takes so much effort (and pain) to close them one by one (and just when you think that you have closed all the windows, you suddenly discover that there is still one, somewhere in the nooks and corners of memories, which you need to live through again before it closes down)...
...When I started making this page, it was to find something to do for Geeta on her birthday in April. It was also, at that time, a way of negating her death, an attempt to immortalise, an effort not to let go...
But as the site developed, the meaning of what I was doing also changed... the site became a way of reliving, rediscovering - day by day, month by month, phase by phase - her life and our life... and of coming to terms with it... It helped in grasping what Geeta meant by "confluence", in accepting that ultimately life is but a flow in which you do your bit and move on...
...and in accepting that, after all, it is not really so very essential to "let go"...
Somewhere on the way, I also discovered how so many things made sense in hindsight, so many pieces of odd moments sort of "fell into place"... as if life followed a pattern in which every thing, every incident had its place... lead you to where you are now...
Some days back, rummaging through my old notes, I found this poem, written sometime in 87-88 - when I was coming to terms with the meaning of my own personal "death" - at the end of a register. To me this was also a part of this pattern which life followed - living life (or death) in proxy, was actually only a way of living it forward in time...
- Yes, I have returned...
Standing on the threshold of magic
looking backward
looking inward
through an year long prism
- of mournful memories...
At the end of this tunnel
I had once visited
floats the peacock feather
- sprouting in flames -
warm, inviting
like a pyre
the eternal fire
- through which I passed
- resurrected
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