Funny Stuff For and About Cats

I am very fortunate to have a great number of friends
who are cat-people, just like me, and love to share a good story
either about their own cats, or stories that have been sent to them.
This is where these following articles are from, and I want to
share them with you. Enjoy!!!!

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

** DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

** CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up
on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as
the human's bare foot.

** BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

** HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This
is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following
are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking,
sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen
and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close
under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie
across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork,
lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap
the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract
you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what
the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual
activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on
the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a
human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

** WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when
they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they
first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

** BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot
move around.

** PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough
sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.
Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play.
It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times.
If you should have an accident during play, such as falling
off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to
say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

** CAT GAMES: "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you
believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and
hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to
be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no
cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that
only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for
you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one
other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping
humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from
the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the
development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable
playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these
games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and
possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should
buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens
to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of
King of the Hill.

** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries
to confiscate it this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it
under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you
and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can
steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops
and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright
shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden
so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They
are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords,
gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They
are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor
for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper
or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and
should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are
sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.

** PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are
small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they
are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises
they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and
including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note:
any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is
fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

** FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper,
a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The
other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain
food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must
be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are
guidelines for getting fed. a) When the humans are eating,
make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when
they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if
you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own
water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only
polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food
will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table
scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat
to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs
will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans
don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to:
jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly;
lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the
kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs
as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough
energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is
generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up.
Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it
contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near
a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course,
good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages
of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous
weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any
scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective
of what they think is their property and will object strongly
if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky
and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are
very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.
Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us,
to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter
box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around
humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the
house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught
if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a
smooth-running household.