The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out over three seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager.

The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." The guy mumbled, but didn't answer.

So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister, what's your name?"
The man said, "Pete."
The cop asked, "Where ya from, Pete?"
The fellow answered, "The balcony above us."

Libra women: Drama is the key word you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles.

Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius.
Favorite Position: Anywhere buttocks are exposed.

Libra men: looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the ménage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore.

Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!

There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he might, he couldn't get it to go down. Finally he went to his local pharmacy, where he encountered a female pharmacist. "I'd like to speak to a male pharmacist," he said.

The woman replied, "I'm a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."

"Ok," he said. "I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?"
"Hmmm," she replied. "I'll go into the back and confer with my sister."
After a minute, she returned to the counter and said, "We'll give you $25,000 and half the business.

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "You sign, you sign".

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "You sign, you sign."

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

Mandela loses his temper and yells: "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Main dealer?"

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks, "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says, "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were quite overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after five minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"

There was this guy that always watched the same TV commercial. It said you could lose five, ten, even twenty pounds in only one day, and it's guaranteed. Finally, he succumbs to the idea and actually gets out of his chair and rushes as fast as he could to the advertised agency.

He walked in and asked the man if it was guaranteed that he would lose five pounds the fist day! The man said yes, it is guaranteed. So he signed up and the man at the desk said to go to the first door on the right.

He walks down the hall and opens the door to find one of the most beautiful young women that he has ever seen. The woman says, "If you can catch me you can have sex with me!"

Well the man goes crazy, and he starts running as fast as he could to catch the women. He ran for hours and hours, to catch this girl. Finally he caught her and he gets what he has run so hard to have.

While the man was walking home he says to himself, "Now that was great. I lost five pounds and had sex with a great looking girl in the bargain."

The next day the man goes back and says to the man at the desk, "You guarantee that I will lose ten more pounds today?"
The man said, "Yes, we guarantee it. Go into the second door on the right. You will see."

He walks down the hall and opens the door. Once again there is a girl and she is even more amazing with her beauty than the one the day before. She says, "If you catch me you can have sex with me."

The man starts running after her as fast as he can, but he has a real hard time catching her. No way was he about to give up. She was just to irresistible. He had to catch her and satisfy his lustful urges. So he keeps running and finally catches her. She is found to be very satisfying.

While the man is walking home he says to himself, "I can't wait till tomorrow, because there will be an even more beautiful girl and I'll lose twenty pounds."

So he goes back the next day and asks the guy at the desk if it is still guaranteed for a twenty-pound loss. The man at the desk says, "Yes. Now just take yourself down to the third door on the right."

Down the hallway the fellow goes, and when he opens the door and is really shocked. There stood a huge man with a humongous erection. The giant of a man says, "I hope you can run boy!"

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The storeowner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first one hundred people who came to the store on its Grand Opening Day.

The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV.

When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might!

The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time.

Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time!

This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about.

"Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"

When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the first Corvette, forgetting that he was pulling the bike, took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, there's an asshole on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

Redneck Driving Etiquette
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in

Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette -
What's the theater?
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a bride.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off, and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"

He was stunned.

After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who'd done the shouting, and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?"

The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings."

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger doublewide so, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5.... ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

I knew a fellow once. He was a New York literary agent, a notorious homosexual and an incorrigible practical joker. He had a favorite trick that he liked to use whenever he was dining at a sufficiently grand and fashionable restaurant. He would wait until a beautiful woman had come into the restaurant and been escorted to her table. He would then summon the wine waiter and ask him to deliver a note to the lady's table. He would tell the wine waiter not to say who the note had come from, but had to wait for a reply.

The wine waiter would then carry Gerald's note over to the lady, who would open it and read, "I know I'm only the wine waiter here, but believe me I can uncork more than bottles! If you want the lay of your life, I'm your man. How about it, honey?"

This man was walking through the park one day when he couldn't help but notice a woman crying. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.

He didn't know who Shultz was so he just continued on. Then he came upon another woman. "Shultz is dead!," she too sobbed. He just passed by.

Then another. And another. And another! Then he came upon a sight, which made him stop. What he saw was hundreds of women crowded around a streetcar, which had apparently been involved in an accident. All were crying, "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!"

He went up to it and there he saw the streetcar had ran into a man and literally torn him to pieces. All that was left of him that you could see was his arms, legs and his penis.

Well he was just startled by all this so he decided to go home. When he got home, he said to his wife, "Hey honey, you know I just saw the darndest thing. Out on Mill Street, a street car had ran into a man and cut off his penis and I swear it had to be a foot and a half long!"

"Oh no! Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Salt Lake City to scope out souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration Table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to
Scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a Shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan -OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

"Five dollars per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. And then: "Got your pencil and paper?"

"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn't move.
So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldn't, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.

She tried to climb the steps again...still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked the guy behind her.
"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!"

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn't move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldn't, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.

She tried to climb the steps again...still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked the guy behind her.
"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!"

*While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall. "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

A guy named Penis von Lesbian came from Austria to America to become an actor. He went to lots of auditions, but never got a job. Finally one director took him aside and said, 'Son, the only reason we're turning you away is your name. If you want to make it in this town, you gotta change the name!'

But Penis von Lesbian said: 'I can't do that! This is my name!'
The director said: 'Suit yourself!' and went on his way.

Years and years later, their paths crossed again. The director said, 'I remember you! You're Penis von Lesbian! Did you ever get around to changing your name?'

The actor said, 'Yes, and it helped! Now I go by Dick Von Dyke.

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving of cereal, and 1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

A traveling salesman went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast on the second morning of his latest business trip. After being seated by the hostess, he waved off the menu, apparently quite sure of what he hungered for that morning. After all, this was to be a fateful day, as he was close to "clinching the deal" and wanted to head into his client's office with confidence, exuberance, and enthusiasm. He was full of self-assuredness and greeted the young waitress with a great big smile. "I'll have two eggs, please. But I want one of them just about room temperature and the other can be warm but must be runny."

The waitress was getting all this down but was wondering where this was going.

"Toast...it doesn't matter what kind, just make sure that it gets cold so that the butter will just sit on it and not melt. Water down my orange juice, too, please...let's say half water and half juice. It really doesn't matter whether you bring any coffee. I usually like two or three cups in the morning. One won't do so you might as well skip it altogether."

"But, sir," said the waitress, confused, "I don't think our kitchen can put this together the way you like it!"
"Oh, I don't like it that way, but it shouldn't be a problem. That's exactly how you served it yesterday!"

Mrs. Smith, a difficult independent, likes sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in her rich suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in other countries.

Then Mrs. Smith said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man. "This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning twenty million dollars in the state lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."'

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read, "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? ... Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

Subject: What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

How about a fast trip to page 63 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

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Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

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