It's wondrous what a hug can do.
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
A hug can say, "I love You so"
Or, "I hate to see you go."
A hug is "Welcome back again,"
And "Great to see you! Where've you been?"
A hug can soothe a small child's pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.
The hug, there's just no doubt about it---
We scarcely could survive without it!
A hug delights and warms and charms,
It must be why God Gave us arms.
Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, swell for brothers;
And chances are your favorite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.
Kittens crave them, puppies love them;
Heads of states are not above them.
A hug can break the language barrier,
And make travel so much merrier.
No need to fret about your store of 'em;
The more you give, the more there's more of em.
So stretch those arms without delay
And give someone a hug today!

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was an Oxford University graduate from an upper crust family; well bred, well connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu

There was a young man from Kent
Whose cock was exceedingly bent.
In order to screw.
He folded it in two
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a young girl from Schuester
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her,
She woke with a start
And a poor broken heart.
It was only the mattress that goosed her.

A massage parlor mogul named Drew
Insists that it's probably true.
He established the specs
For masseuse furnished sex
With the slogan "We're Pulling For You!"

If I take one drink, I can't feel it.
If I take two drinks, I can feel it.
If I take three drinks, anyone can feel it!

She offered her Honor,
He Honored her offer.
And all night long
It was offer and Honor.

Ode to a mammogram
For years they told me to be careful with my breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them; give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings and protected them by law;
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.
After thirty years of careful care, the doctor felt a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
"Stand up real close," nurse said. "There that's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal, and I could not believe my eyes.
A plastic plate was pressing down; my boob was in a vice.
My skin was pinched and stretched way up to my chin;
My poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt within its vice like grip
Prisoner in this vicious thing was my poor defenseless tit.
"Take a deep breath," she said to me;
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine.
I can't breath and whoosy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say,
As examining room was slowly swaying,
"Now let's get other one," Mercy, mercy Lord,I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped her, "Kerrr-pow!"
This machine was made by a man, of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to get his nuts in there,
For months he'd go without.

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary!

Hey, Masturbater (sing this to the tune of the Macarenna)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone.
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stone.
Hey Masturbater!!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice.
Hey Masturbater!!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its been
Hey Masturbater!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the others on my meat.
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat.
Hey Masturbater!!

Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbater,
choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomato. I've
looked at Ms. November now I'm gonnadecorate her.
Hey, Masturbater!!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon, Pounding on
the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm making. Spank the frank,
wax the carrot, god my hand is aching.
Hey, Masturbater!

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

To fight one of life's thorns and thistles
Is a new drug, with bells and with whistles.
It's Viagra. I blush;
I put some on my brush
And just look how it straightened the bristles!

Or

Oh, Viagra! I wanted some more
('Cause I thought I'd go visit a whore).
So I swallowed down eight.
*It's* so large, I must state,
That I can't get it through the front door.

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was not yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!

True Love (Postal Version)
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and blow it away with an Uzi.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

TELL ME WHAT IT IS ...
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
Liberace didn't use his with women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it? .......
....... A last name

SOMETIMES
Sometimes ...
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears......

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...

Sometimes...
when you are worried....
no one sees your stress......

Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ......

But FART just one time...
Everybody knows!!

The sky was dark the moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do
Her skin so soft her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine
I didn't know how but I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.....

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!!

Polititians At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."

"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."

Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."

Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office. Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the clerk, and then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has happened. "Simple," says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no one else has to."

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future." V.P Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Al got up from his coffee and said, "Well, okay."

Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Al got up from his coffee and said, "Well, okay."

Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Al didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He said to Tipper, "What am I going to do now, Tipper?" Tipper replied, "Oh, Al, just leave the car in the garage."

The Republican gubernatorial candidate was conducting a speech on his platform and during the speech asked if there were any Democrats in the crowd, an old man in the back of the crowd raised his hand.

The candidate asked the man why he was a Democrat?
He answered - My Daddy was a Democrat, My Granddaddy was a Democrat and my Great Granddaddy was a Democrat.

The Candidate replied - So if your Daddy was a horse thief and your Granddaddy was a horse thief and your Great Granddaddy was a horse thief what would that make you?

The man thought a moment and replied - a Republican.

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

While walking down the street one day a female politician, a head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone, by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

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